Moving Forward

my mind races at speeds & manuvers that would even impress #3.
daisies, stars, & fairies not dancing round in my head tonight,
i can't turn it off.
i wish there was a remote control for my mind.
nothing really on my mind...
i can't find one of my Reba CDs & it is annoying the FUKK out of me
because i have this one particular song stuck in my head
and i wanna listen to it so i won't " hear " it 24/ 7 in my head.
i shall post the lyrics.
bittersweet, WONDERFUL song.
i was looking through some of my other mailboxes to clean up,
when i happened to chance upon an old letter.
it's very interesting to re- read it now,
for it takes on a whole new meaning
now that i am away from it all.
so i'll leave yall with the lyrics to Reba's song
and the letter i found from long ago.
--------------------------------
" They say people change
I wish it were true
It's something I've tried so hard to do
Now I can't explain why right seems so wrong
And I keep hearing the same old song
I'm not your girl
I'm not your girl

One day I'll come back here,
and I'll knock on your door
She'll be sweet when she answers,
and I'll know for sure
That life is never easy
in my complicated world
I'm not your girl... "
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Saturday, May 28th, 2005

some times I think your sharpness is my fault. yes I can take some of the blame No hard feelings,.. no bull shit... no more mind games. just one thing, how are you sleeping? are you happy tink? do you smile alot,... do you giggle,... is it forced? are you happy now in your life? if so,.. I am so pleased. you know, it's all I ever wanted. no matter what you think. " every light in the house is on, the front yard is a bright as the crack of dawn. the back yard looks like runway lights it's kinda like noon in the dead of night,... every light in the house is on...." yeah under the hard ass out side is a country girl.... life makes you hard you know.... yeah you do know that much. "....I'll turn the lights off one by one,...." your new life and your new love is beautiful darling. im proud of you. I am not a monster you know... I am not hitler,... you act like i hung you on a cross. I adore you my love,... still... even after all of this.... after all the miles... and time.. and hurt... but that makes me a fool. im no better than billy or danny right. nothing changes for me because i always .... that dont matter. you know, once,... along time ago,... you use to look at me like i really could have been a star,... maybe that's why i hurt.... once I was perfect..... i always told my self that one day ,.. the saying would come true... if you love something let it go ....I have given up my beloved. never worry about that part of me again. I miss my friend alot,... I know deep down we can't be friends. it will never work... you will tell me you love me my heart will sing ,... so I know.. and No i dont want anything from you,.. I could care less... i just wanted you to know,.. Im turning the lights off just like you wanted me to, the soft glow in my halls are now just memories of who you use to be not who you are.the hurt in me was that when i saw the beauty in you,.... IN YOU.... it took my breath,.... you had me at hello.. i was a fool for you. out of my mind. you didn't like who you where you changed,... and I did too,.... i hate it... i am in so many ways the same little shit... but.... life happens in a blink of an eye and if you close them once you miss everything . im happy for you baby, and even if you dont,... i remember who you use to be. take care little tink
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hmmmm....
thas some deep ass shit, i know.
have not heard from her & * crossing fingers * hopefully won't.
i do not wish her ill will,
i wish her peaceful clarity...
just not in my bubble world of family & friends.
she is right, ya know...
i didn't like the reflection i saw,
so yes i changed.
what was left out, however,
was that i had to change because they broke me.
they took me to the lowest of my low.
so yes, i suppose life DOES indeed make one hard.
i have changed from inside out.
the ones closest to me can see it.
those who knew Tink,...
well...
sometimes while a shooting star is falling,
the dazzling light catches their eye,
and just for a moment
they swear they caught a glimspe of her dancing in the Heavens,
where she belongs.
Tink's place resides in fairytales & memories.
the past i cannot change.
many have felt my wrath;
few have felt my true love;
even fewer know what lies beyond the facade.
to anyone reading this,
it may appear it is as if i haven't let go.
let me educate you on that invalid statement;
i have let go of the past,
my past is ( are ) the stars that decorate my soul,
they inhibit the Heavens above.
they are there for comfort on a cold, rainy night
when i am lost.
they are there to remind me...
to remind me of what i have,
what i went through to get to where i am,
they remind me of the sacrifices and selfishness,
of the innocence & tainted,
of love and hate,
of family & friends VS. vices & illusions.
i set out on this journey initially to answer one question...
can i live my life without Fat Bastard?
the answer to that, without the slightest doubt, is yes.
then my curiosity grew a bit more...
i wanted to know who i was/ am.
that was HARD to see...
let me tell you, friend & foe alike;
the truth is NOT the most graceful light in front of the mirror.
from there on,
i found my new journey;
to heal what's broken and scarred ( much like my open heart scar )
and to enjoy life.
a long ways i have come,
but many miles still lie before me
on my journey home.
i'm about halfway done.
my Wifey is my little Tug Boat...
pulling me along,
sitting pretty & posin cuz she knows she's my muse,
my enabler,
she believes in me,
so i know because of that,
i am no longer alone & i have defeated the hardest half of my journey.
merci beaucoup tres bien, mon femme bella.

so my reply to that LONG LOST letter is:
Tink is happy, she is retired, but where she belongs. Deception no more. Truth, though a harsh light at first, is better for the soul in the long run. It is unfortunate you let it kill you; I suppose you were right, every star burns out someday. I looked at the girl I first met like she was indeed a true shining star, because to me, she was. Truth be told, it still gets to me,... " A face that pretty ought not to be so sad. " Sarah has found her way, I have lit my own path. No longer am I the damsel in distress; I saved myself...I saved myself from me, you, and him. It was that or give up... and I'mma tell you one damn thing,....My Nana didn't raise no quitter...The red runs deep, honey. Like I said, I cannot forget my past, it is where I came from. Some stars twinkle, some stars fade, some guide the way...and some are hung like decorations on a tree, only to be taken down and remain hidden til next year. Either way, I shall'nt forget; I can't. But, I can move on, as I have done. It gets easier with time, your memory is quickly fading with every turning of the tide. The stars are falling, my old foe. I hope you have reached safety ashore. Only then can the winds of change blow across your lifeless face. Perhaps truth will set free your incarcerated viens and bring to life the girl I once knew. May she dance up in the Milky Way until that last star fades away...