Clap On--Clap Off

*clap on*
*clap off*
off goes Karr
not the killer
DNA doesn't lie
(except if you have an internal twin-
it was on an episode of CSI, VERY INTERESTING)
you have to wonder
what delusions play
in Karr's mental theatre
to want to falsely confess
to a grotesque crime
married his first wife when she was 13 or 14
where the fukk were her parents?
did they care?
how did they justify the reasoning in approving the marriage?
*clap on*
*clap off*
the tomkat baby, Suri
has had her first ever pile-o-poo
imortalized in bronze at an art gallery
WTFin HELL?!
i mean, ya know
i can understand video taping the first 24 hours of baby's first day
and cutting a lock of hair,
saving the first baby shoes,
the blankie the baby came home in...
BUT WHO THE HELL SAVES A BABY'S POO?
can you imagine THAT business phone call?
"um, hi. is this forever immortalize company?" -TomKat Representative
"yes it is. how may we help you today?" -forever immortalize company employee
"my clients have just had their baby. they want to immortalize their baby's first shit."-TomKat Rep
-silence-
"hello?" -TomKat Rep
"i...imagine...we could do that. but sir i must ask, who would want to do that?" -horrified forever immortalize employee
"Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes." -TomKat Rep
"OOhhhhhh, well that explains it. Yes, we can do that. We would also like to offer our services for catching Suri's ACTUAL fart into a clear mason jar, and putting that on display. That would let the TomKat fans feel...connected. They could SMELL Suri without actually EVER seeing her!"
that's just madness, i tell yall,
madness.
*clap on*
*clap off*
clamping down for Ernesto
hopefully Ernesto will be nothing more than
Mother Nature's runny shits and a fart or two.
*clap on*
*clap off*
can yall believe its been 9 years since Princess Diana passed away?
do yall remember where yall were when you heard the news?
i damn sure do.
I was at my friend, Debra Chapman's house spending the night.
We we watching a movie and they interuppted it and said that Diana, the Princess of Whales had passed on.
See folks, this is where the epic story begins for me for the month of September.
But that is enough for now.
As days go by, I'll tell more.
But for now...Let's end on a bittersweet memory of a song, shall we?
Sir Elton John brings tears whenever this is sung.
Goodbye England's rose
May you ever grow in our hearts
You were the grace that placed itself
Where lives were torn apart
You called out to our country
And you whispered to those in pain
Now you belong to heaven
And the stars spell out your name
And it seems to me you lived your life
Like a candle in the wind
Never fading with the sunset
When the rain set in
And your footsteps will always fall here
Along England's greenest hills
Your candle's burned out long before
Your legend ever will
Loveliness we've lost
These empty days without your smile
This torch we'll always carry
For our nation's golden child
And even though we try
The truth brings us to tears
All our words cannot express
The joy you brought us through the years
And it seems to me you lived your life
Like a candle in the wind
Never fading with the sunset
When the rain set in
And your footsteps will always fall here
Along England's greenest hills
Your candle's burned our long before
Your legend ever will
Goodbye England's rose
May you ever grow in our hearts
You were the grace that placed itself
Where lives were torn apart
Goodbye England's rose
From a country lost without your soul
Who'll miss the wings of your compassion
More than you'll ever know
And it seems to me you lived your life
Like a candle in the wind
Never fading with the sunset
When the rain set in
And you footsteps will always fall here
Along England's greenest hills
Your candle's burned out long before
Your legend ever will

A Potpurri of Shit

my bella is mowing the lawn or should i say
our semi fields
how can someone look sexy mowing a lawn?!
i dont know.
havent got that one figured out yet.
we go tomorrow a.m. to grocery stores
to prepare for Ernesto
(Btw, make SURE yall are prepared!! Go down a list of Emergency supplies & DONT FORGET about EXTRA pet food!!)
my thoughts are with my Grandma,my boys, & Cheryl
most likely,
she'll hafta be at work
and i'll be next door at her folks'
i pray it isnt bad
makes me think of those affected (effected?) by Katrina
bush is such an ass
ugh.
god bless those people.
anyways, our wittle Harley looks SO bored these days
i can't wait for another doggy
Crimmus i tell him
crimmus
his grand-momma will buy him a sister
i caught a snap shot of my bambino looking so...
him.
i gtg study *woot*
so, take care and
peace, love, and happy farting!!

The Poopie List

Ghost Poopie- The kind where you feel the Poopie come out, but there's no poopie in the toilet.
Clean Poopie- The kind where you poopie it out, see it in the toilet, but there is nothing on the toilet paper.
Wet Poopie- The kind where you wipe your butt fifty times and it still feels unwiped, so you have to put some toilet paper between your butt and your underwear so you don't runie them with a stain.
Second Wave Poopie- The kind that happens when you're done poopie-ing and you've pulled your pants up to your knees, and you realize you have to poopie some more.
Turtle Poopie- The kind of poopie that pops out a little and goes back in a few times before it finallly comes out
Pop-a-Vein-in-your-Forehead-Poopie- The kind where you strain so much to get it out, you practically have a stroke.
Lincoln Log Poopie- The kind of Poopie that is so huge you're afraid to flush without first breaking it into little pieces with the plunger.
Gas-sy Poopie- The kind where it's so noisy, everyone within earshot is giggling!
Drinker Poopie- The kind of Poopie you have the morning after a long night of drinking. It's most noticeable trait is the skid marks on the bottom of the toilet.
Corn Poopie- (Self explanatory)
Gee-I-Wish-I-Could-Poop Poopie- The kind where you want to Poopie, but all you do is it on the toilet and fart a few times.
Spinal Tap Poopie- That's the kind when it hurts so badly coming out, you swear it was leaving you sideways.
Wet Cheeks Poopie (The Power Dump)- The kind that comes out of your butt so fast, your butt cheeks get spashed with water.
Liquid Poopie- The kind where yellowish-brown liquid shoots you of your butt and spashes all over the toilet bowl.
Mexican Poopie- The kind that smells so bad your nose burns.
Upper Class Poopie- The kind of Poopie that doesn't smell.
The Suprise Poopie- You are not even at the toilet, because you are sure you are about to fart, but, OOPS---a Poopie!
The Dangling Poopie- This Poopie refuses to drop into the toilet even though you know you are done poopie-ing. You just pray that a shake or two will cut it loose

Ways to Annoy your Public Bathroom Stallmate

1. Stick your open palm under the stall wall and ask your neighbor, "May I borrow a highlighter?"
2. Say, "Uh oh, I knew I shouldn't have put my lips on that."
3. Cheer and clap loudly every time somebody breaks the silence with a bodily function noise.
4. Say, "Damn, this water's cold."
5. Drop a marble and say, "Oh no! My glass eye!"
6. Say, "Hmmm, I've never seen that color before."
7. Grunt and strain real loud for 30 seconds and then drop a cantelope into the toilet bowl from a height of 6 feet. Sigh relaxingly.
8. Say, "Now how did that get there?"
9. Say, "Humus. Reminds me of humus."
10. Fill up a large flask with Mountain Dew. Squirt it erratically under the stall walls of your neighbors while yelling, "Whoa! Easy boy!"
11. Say, "Interesting... more floaters than sinkers."
12. Using a small squeeze tube, spread peanut butter on a wad of toilet paper and drop the wad under the stall wall of your neighbor. Then say, "Whoops, could you kick that back over here please?"
13. Say, "C'mon Mr. Happy! Don't fall asleep on me."
14. Fill a balloon with creamed corn. Rush into the stall with your hand over your mouth and let out a lengthy vomit impression while you squeeze the balloon and splatter cream corn all about. Apologize profusely and blame it on the fettucine alfredo you had for breakfast.
15. Say, "Boy, that sure looks like a maggot."
16. Say, "Dang, I knew that drain hole was a little too small. Now what am I gonna do?"
17. Play a well known drum cadence over and over again on your butt cheeks.
18. Before you unroll toilet paper, conspicuously lay down your "Cross-Dressers Anonymous" newsletter on the floor visible to the adjacent stall.
19. Lower a small mirror underneath the stall wall, adjust it so you can see your neighbor and say, "Peek-a-boo!"
20. Drop a D-cup bra on the floor under the stall wall and sing "Born Free".

FARTS

Hey yall, I've been a lil lax on my fart stories. So, I'm gonna post quite a few that'll have your eyes watering up & tummy hurting from laughter. Happy farting!!
___________________________________________________
When my son, Patrick, was about 6 years old, we were at a department store close to Christmas with two of his twin friends of the same age. I was looking at the book section, thumbing through some potential present for someone, and there were alot of people around. The boys were standing behind me, and I thought it would be funny to slip a wind where they could hear it, but act like nothing had happened, just to see their reaction. Well, I let one rip and the kids started to chuckle just as I had anticipated. But then, one of the twins comes over and sniffs at my butt and says very loud, 'OOOOOhhhhhh', and the two other boys came to stick their noses in too. Then they were all three standing there, next to my behind holding their noses and making a big commotion. Finally, I had to walk away. Now that was one that really backfired
________________________________________
Being a pilot for many years I was on a trip to Mexico City one Sunday afternoon. As we turned on our final approach I let out some bad gas. I was flying with the chief pilot and pointed out that we were flying right over the Sunday bull fights. My chief pilots finally gets my gas in his nostrils and says "Shit, I can smell those sons a bitches all the way up here"!! I just sat there and the tears were streaming down my cheeks.
________________________________________
My wife and I had just turned in for the night on a warm windless spring night at our home in the country. Because of the muggy evening we opened the window and curtains of our second story bedroom. Approximately two hundred yards away, across the country road that led to our house, was a marsh full of chirping frogs that had recently began serenading us each night. We both began drifting off as we listened to the soothing song of the frogs. In my peaceful relaxed state I let off the longest and loudest fart I had emitted in our six years of marriage. The frogs immediately went silent from the window rattling expulsion of gas I had produced. In disbelief my wife said "Oh my God, you made the frogs stop croaking!" The pride I felt was indescribable. The frogs were so frightend they didn't make a sound for a good thirty minutes. My wife has shared our experience with several people leading me to believe that she is very proud of me also.
________________________________________
The creation of the 'SNART'
Scene 1: The setting is the opulent abode of certain rich relatives which the family were visiting. Needless to say, farting in this environment was strictly forbidden and the strain was beginning to show. Those who knew him well could detect the faint colonic rumblings which we knew would spell the end of polite society.
Scene 2: The rumblings increasing, he feels the need for release and excuses himself from the group. The excuse he made was feeble, so terrifying was the gaseous buildup that even his creativity was quenched. The familiy watched him leave the room in silence, waiting with bated breath for what only we knew would soon follow.
Scene 3: Suddenly horror strikes!!! The farter is desperately trying to reach the safe haven of the bathroom when the unspeakable happens. A sneeze, two sneezes!!! All is silent. Then without warning, a third. Coupled with the thrid sneeze came a momentary loss of rectal control, but that was all that was needed. The loudest, longest, smelliest, rumbliest fart that the world has smelt exploded from his arse at terrifying speed.
Scene 4: After a brief moment of uncomfortable silence, laughter ensues (among desperate gasps for air and tearing coughs). The 'SNART' was born. (Sneeze + Fart = Snart).
Epilouge: The 'polite society' of the posh relatives was somewhat strained. They never spoke of the incident again, although it should be mentioned that my father often related this story as the defining moment of a long and lustrous career as an arse bandit.
_________________________________________________
The Bathtub Fart:People who would never in their life know one fart from another, who would like to act like farts don't exist, will have to admit that a Bathtub Fart is something special. It is the only fart you can see! What you see is the bubbles. The Bathtub Fart can be either single or multiple noted and fair or foul as to odor. It makes no difference. The farter's location is what does it. Maybe there is a kind of muffled pong and one big bubble. Or there may be a ping ping ping and a bunch of bubbles. The sound I should point out depends somewhat on the depth of the water and even more on the tub. If it is one of those big old heavy tubs with the funny legs you can get terrific sound effects. While one of the new thin ones half buried in the floor can be disappointing. But either way, as long as the water is deep enough, whatever the sound, up comes the bubble or bubbles and you have to be quick but glance back over your shoulder and you have seen it, the Bathtub Fart, the most positively identifiable fart known to man. It is a common fart and strictly for your own enjoyment unless you are a kid still young enough to take baths with your friends.
______________________________________________________
What's the definition of bravery? A man with diarrhea chancing a fart!
________________________________________________________
You're so poor: You had to fart in your pocket to make a scent.
_______________________________________________________
What did the maxi-pad say to the fart? You are the wind beneath my wings.
_________________________________________________________
What do you call "fart" in German? Farfrompoopin!
________________________________________________________
Your ass is so tight: You fart and only dogs can hear it.
________________________________________________________
Laugh and the world laughs with you; fart and they'll stop laughing.
_________________________________________________________
Confucius say:Man who fart in church sit in own pew.
_________________________________________________________

It Feels Like Home To Me

yesterday
last night
and early today,
i had a fever that kept rearing its ugly head.
asprin wouldnt break it,
so tylenol finally did.
it was one of those off and on fevers that sucks ASS.
so today Shurl & I went to swimming at the family's pool,
her nephew's dapple doxie puppy is SOOO adorable!!
i had MilkyWay on a boogie board in the pool!!
that was so frikkin CUTE!!
i want my next dog to be cool like that,
not a Napolean complexed little pussy who stays stuck up his other Mama's ass.
(even though i love my boy with EVERY fiber of my being,
i'm the ONLY one -beside Shurl & Linda- who can talk shit about him)
i cooked Bella supper tonight,
my famous chicken, wif buttahbeans, and 'taters au gratin.
yummy!
i was getting super excited when i saw the commercials for the new seasons of my favorite shows starting soon, in september.
then it dawned on me,
DAMNIT,
september is back.
i fucking HATE september.
Princess Diana died like August 31st,
My Nana died,
and Mother Theresa died.
September is a horrible month for me.
9 years.
holy hell.
where'd the time go?
my babies were like 2 or 3,
my sisters 11 and 5.
i doubt i'll ever get over the loss of Nana.
i just hope September will be easier to deal with in years to come, though.
i hope Nana would be proud of the path I'm on now.
i'm getting my life in order.
Wonderful Wife (okay maybe Nana didn't envision THAT for me, but happiness she did want for me),
Made amends with my real family,
Found myself,
Have loyal friends,
and I'm back in school.
maybe i should be further along by now,
but thats okay.
this, is my path.
and my path,
dark with pain, hurt, & anger behind me,
but bright, wonderful love aside me in every step of the way from now on.

If you knew how lonely
My life has been
And how long I've been so alone
And if you knew how
I wanted someone to come along
And change my life the way you've done
It feels like home to me
It feels like home to me
It feels like I'm all the way back where I come from
It feels like home to me
It feels like home to me
It feels like I'm all the way back where I belong...
Well if you knew how much this moment means to me
And how long I've waited for your touch
And if you knew how happy you are making me
I never thought that I'd love anyone so much...
It feels like I'm all the way back where I belong.

English ASSignment

Hola peeps!!
Ok fer muh English, my professor wanted us to write
a paragraph on the subject,
"An Extraordinary Thing Happened Today"
It had to have a beginning, middle, and end.
So, I did it.
Here it is:

The most extraordinary, unheard of series of events happened to me today. I was taking my dog, Harley, on a walk. As we passed by a humongous magnolia tree, Harley stepped on a whoopee cushion that had been discarded on the ground. The gust of wind expelled from the whoopee cushion caused a tree limb to fall. Sitting on that branch was the most repulsive, bizarre convict I have ever seen. He had one wily eye, his remaining teeth were stained yellow, he was going bald, and he was wearing his prison jumpsuit accompanied by a bright pink tutu. It was the most darnedest thing I have ever seen! I immediately called the police. It turned out; he was a highly wanted fugitive, so I was given a two million dollar reward from the FBI. That was the most unusual, strange, and extraordinary day I have ever had!

His reply to my assignment:

Good job! You have a definite beginning, supporting details, and closing. This is what a draft should have.


WTF?! He didn't say near a word about my imagination and the sheer stupidity of this nonsense!! This is madness!!

this place fucking ROCKS!!

OMFG!!
the gulf is BEAUTIFUL
while we were swimming
in the blue water
frikking dolphins swam right by us
like within 20-30 feet from where we were in the water
how amazing is that?!
then after we got back from Indian Rocks/Indian Shores beach in Largo,
we got in the pool
there was a tee tiny wittle baby frog
i thought it were's dead bc it was all splayed out
that thing was just a hair bigger than my thumb
we passed by this store that i wanted to go in SOOO badly
it was called ALL ABOUT PUPPIES
i know it was nothing but a puppy mill
but still
i wanted to see all the babies
the sand on the beaches here...
its WHITE, powdery
with like umpteen gazillion TINY shells in it
yesterday we had crab legs fo' lunch
wif steaks fer supper
tonight for me is Carabbas (or however you spell it)
and sushi fer mah baby
our journey home begins at 9:30 tomorrow a.m.
shurl's aunt's man
reminds me of an old friend of mine
LoL
the loud but charming drunk in the bar
he's great
anyways
i'm off
peace.

** i gotta send a shoutout...
HAPPY BIRTHDAY goes out to mah sissy & to muh Mama **

hola from florida

hola from florida
garsh
we left at 9:30 am
and got to lakeland at 6-ish pm
we drove past the exit for disney
*woot*
this place is awesome
the pool
the homes
very cool
tomorrow we go to the gulf
can't wait to see the ocean
anyways...
thats about it for now
peace out for now

Harley

so i'm packing for our trip
harley is on the bed laying right next to the suitcase
he keeps giving me "the look"
not the FUKK YOU BITCH look
but the GUILT TRIP I KNOW YOU'RE LEAVING ME look
this is crazy
i'm starting to have separation anxiety from my dog
man
oh man
i'mma have fun on this trip
but damn i'mma miss the shit outta my little man
my little shit head

FROBISHER

my brain hurts
is it possible to feel your brain absorbing & growing?
FROBISHER
why can't i remember that name?
FROBISHER
this afternoon i took Harley out for a piss
all was quiet
FRBISHNOFF?
NO
the highway was empty
quiet
no cars
FORBS?
NO
such an ere feeling
too quiet
bad air
FORBISH?
NO
jon benet ramesy arrest
ten years after
patsy gone
the pain i cannot fathom
FORBISH? AGAIN, NO
yesterday i was told
children are possible
to have one ripped away
unimagineable
FORBISHNACROFT? FUKK NO.
my pediatric cardiologist's name
alexander ellis
how about that
definately not a coicidence
FROBRISHNACROFT? NADA.
walking in the MUSC corridors
in the children's hospital
with my soul mate, my partner
circle's round,
it has no end,
that's how long i want to be your friend
FROBISHNER? MAYBE?
the last time i was there
my Nana kept a vigil for me
never ending love
that's the stuff of fairy tales
how lucky am i
to walk the halls twice
twice with true love
FROBISHER?
YES,
YES THAT IS IT.

MUSC Visit

today we went to MUSC
pediatric cardiologist specializing in congenital heart diseases
less than 100 nationwide
hard to find
even harder to find info on my 'disease/defect'
Tetrollogy of Fallow (tof)
my appt was at 9:45 am
we left MUSC at 3:30 pm
it took two hours for an echogram
i've never been felt up by so many guys in one day
with my list of questions (literally)
the docs answered all of my questions
it is possible to have children (good news!!)
i just have to be closely monitored during the pregnancy
TOF can be detected in utero
the surgery i've had can wear out
but if monitored regularly all is well
i'm to return in june
chromosone test
MRI
bicycle stress test
a very long boring day
fueled by laughter
its so easy to crack my Bella up
there was a young girl
no more than 19
with a baby no more than three to four weeks
she named her daughter Paris
hmmmmm...
no comment
tomorrow we pack for friday morning
i'm excited yet nervous to see what Florida brings about
anyways
peace, love, 'n happy sharting!!

My Dreamy Reality

today
Bella
her Mom
and I
drove to Santee to the Stoffer's (sp.?) store
we were so disappointed
so
LoL
we stopped at a frikkin Food Lion
for my chocolate covered pretzels
DELISH!!
last night Bella said somehing rather haunting
she said she was making me old
funny
because i feel in place
i feel like i belong
i'm where i'm supposed to be
where i'm meant to be
and my Bella...
she is my rock
"the wind beneath my sheets"
she is such a Blessing
together we are at our greatest
i guess
what i'm trying to express is...
in life, i have crossed paths with those
who have inexplicably left footprints within my soul
those i cannot forget
but Bella,
she,
she is my soulmate
its something bigger than what's here on Earth
its just some cosmic thing,
a heavenly dessert,
that slams two beings in a blender and spits us back into the big world
and says "find each other and you'll be fine"
kinda like WHAT DREAMS MAY COME
definately
Bella is my dream...and my reality

i love you back, baby.

Shitty lighting. I been meaning to post this for a while, but I made this. (With the help of my Bella, ofcourse.) Its a mosaic wall hanging that matches the decor of our bathroom. (That sounds SOOOO mature, doesn't it? Ha!) 

LMFAO!! I damn sure 'bout pissed my pants on this one!! (Anybody remember Fat Bastard? LMFAO!!) 

Florida Here We Come!!

well, its official!!
we're going to Florida not this but next Friday!!
we ran into a tricky situation with Harley
if we couldnt get someone from Florence to meet us halfway
to take Harley back to Florence to my Momma's,
we woulda been screwed.
i asked a friend of mine if he could meet us half way,
but he works LOOOOOOONNNNNNGGGGG hours
and will be on the road a lot.
so he can't.
aunt boo said she'd meet us at the 119 mm on 95
anyways.... so it'll fun in the sun for us and we'll get to see the gulf coast.
i don't think i've ever seen the gulf coast before.
yeahhhhh!
i've got my rough draft of my first essay done
Mama said, she said, she's proud of me. (Lil too much Waterboy there)
im proud of me too
i'm beginning to achieve the goals i wanted.
got rid of the toxic people,
i've become a recluse, i stay to myself
friendships gone awry,
never hate.
everything has its reasons.
anyways, i'm gone set back chillin & get ready to have to fun in Florida

She Will Be Loved

when we went grocery shopping the other day
we stayed within our own world
but i couldn't help but to see her,
this one particular little girl
couldn't have been 13
she looked so mature
and so sad
she was alone with a shopping cart
comparing prices on food
i can't get her out of my mind
my heart just aches over her
it was like something out of a movie
like the world just keeps running at it break neck speed around you
but life just stopped when i was watching her
i hope her guardian angels are watching over her
i got my books yesterday
i gotta get my school ID on thursday
then i will be set for school
i am determined to make an even better life for Bella and myself
and school is the first step
mentally i'm flippin off all the people who never believed i'd go back to school
i know i shouldn't flip 'em off
i should just let it go
but you know what
i've proved a lotta people wrong
i'm about to prove more wrong
and about to achieve two goals i set for myself
going back to school
and
making top grades
anyways...
i guess what i'm trying to say is STOP
look around
watch
be thankful
say your prayers
and live.

"...She had some trouble with herself...
Look for the girl with the broken smile
Ask her if she wants to stay awhile
And she will be loved
She will be loved
Tap on my window knock on my door
I want to make you feel beautiful
I know I tend to get insecure
It doesn’t matter anymore
It’s not always rainbows and butterflies
It’s compromise that moves us along
My heart is full and my door’s always open
You can come anytime you want
I don’t mind spending everyday
Out on your corner in the pouring rain
Look for the girl with the broken smile
Ask her if she wants to stay awhile
And she will be loved
She will be loved..."

LMFAO, Cheryl found an old relative's glasses. They're the kind with the lenses that make your eyeballs HUGE!! The pic sucks & is really grainy, but I couldn't hardly take the pic from laughing so hard. 

My Boys, Never Cuter!! 

Its a good balance

ok so its been a while.
its been a good run of bad luck.
a storm took out my PC,
a stressfull visit home produced a tower,
not a monitor,
the next day,
school stuff brought me to my breaking point,
but thank Buddha for guardian angels,
so now i can get to school,
my Bella is without a doubt, my rock,
if the tower doesn't work with the monitor to be given to us,
we'll bite the bullet for a brand spanking new PC from Dell,
anyways...
my house is now immaculate
seriously
i fear my quirks are the beginnings of OCD,
LoL
my peds cardiologist appointment is the 15th,
school starts the 14th
my goal,
Dean's List
then i will achieve much more than just good grades...
i will be proud of myself.
so all's well that ends well.

My quote of the day:
" love conquers all."