beautiful purple.

the party was spectacular!!
my soul was lit ablaze with the love surrounding me.
i am so appreciative
of all i have.
my heart is still emanating rays of joy today.
i hope this feeling never leaves.
my family fell in love with our new addition to the family.
fussing over who's turn it was to hold him.
four wheeler rides for all.
ellis and that mach 1...
goodness!!
"i've only seen them in magazines"
a simple dream come true.
a rough and tough lil boy brought down by allergies.
well,
both of them actually.
a country girl camouflaged as a city girl.
pictures to come later.
for now,
off to Cola we go!

harley's peculiars.

my eldest,
horrified of vaccums.
but attacks a lawn mower.
that's my boy!

state of grace.

May I be happy, well and peaceful.
May my parents, grandparents and ancestors be happy, well and peaceful.
May my brothers and sisters, my spouse and children, my grandchildren
and all future generations be happy, well and peaceful.
May all my friends and all my enemies be happy.
May all human beings sharing the earth be happy.
May all forms of life, plants, animals, birds, fish and insects be happy.
May all sentient beings in the universe be happy.
May we all be free from suffering and pain.
May we all be free from attachment of greed, anger and ignorance.
May we all attain perfect peace and happiness of Enlightenment through
Buddha's Wisdom and Compassion.


May all beings have happiness and the causes of happiness;
May all be free from sorrow and the causes of sorrow;
May all never be separated from the sacred happiness which is sorrowless;
And may all live in equanimity,
without too much attachment and too much aversion,
And live believing in the equality of all that lives.



you know,
tomorrow's my birthday.
i'm sitting here thinking that i will be 25.
25.
wow.
it doesn't seem real.
i am an adult.
it seems absurd.
COMPLETELY.
i'm not where i thought i'd be at in my life.
but then again,
i dreamt fairytales by the seat of my pants.
so,
hell,
i didn't even really know where i wanted to be.
i believe i know the direction i am to go;
destiny will continue to take my hand and lead me.
i have been many places
and seen many faces.
but this i know,
i am most definately in a state of grace.
and this place,
this place is where i call home.
i feel as if i am at an intersection;
a convergence,
if that is even a word.
like in Frequency where the past meets the present.
the dividing line of my past is merging with my present.
yes indeed,
my state of grace.
this is it.
this is my utopia.
life aint perfect,
and by far,
aint fair.
and shit still happens.
always will.
but hey,
i think that its good that we can atleast still have the shit happen.
i mean,
not to be sinister,
but we could be "pushin up daisies."
i'm 25.
and i'm happy.
now,
my wisdom tells me
it don't get better than this.



grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change;
the courage to change the things I can;
and the wisdom to know the difference

gloating.

okay, lets explain. 1st pic is 1st family pic.
2nd pic is Jackson taking a cat nap.
ha.
3rd pic...Jackson's bed offended him,
so he was paying retributions.
4th pic,... aint he ADORABLE?!

treasures.

Today I finished putting our flowers down.
while durrin so,
I had both of our sons with me.
Harley just kinda hangs out,
chillin like he usually does.
then I notice our youngest boy
frantically digging in the dirt.
he was at the back of the steps with his head buried.
all I could mostly see was that infamous Dachshund tail waggling fanatically
and dirt flying.
what is this treasure my son has unearthed?
why, a decaying field mouse, of course.
today he climbed ALL the steps by himself.
he is growing up.
what a proud Mommy I am.

sad.

rosie is leaving The View.
a sad day, it is for me.

what will i do?

letting go.

okay, so check this out--
I let go of the disappointment,
and what happened?
It freaking worked out for the best!!
My brothers are coming to my birthday party!!WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOHOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!
Granted her actions are not cool,
but that is her cup of tea.
that is not to for me to judge.
moving on…
I hate it when people prove me right.
I understand that from time to time
we all must relearn forgiveness
and learn to move on.
but when you have somebody who proves to be a dumb ass
time and time again,
whats the lesson we’re supposed to learn from that?
Patience?
I don't know,
I just know that I am irritated with this person.
I mean,
I try to give him the benefit of the doubt,
and yet I am repeatedly proven wrong.
It truly is such a shame when people have their priorities wrong.
may be that comes with growing up.
I am not perfect;
I have been guilty of not having my priorities in order.
but you learn through trial by fire.
get burned enough times
and you will learn your lesson.
while growing up,
you also learn to your true friends are.
again,
trial by fire.
when you hit that stage of 19 to 23 years of age,
it becomes all about drama and who your latest fuck is.
everything else flies right out the window,
nothing else matters.
but around 23,
it all gets jaded.
by then,
you know who your true friends are,
and hopefully you have your priorities corrected by then.
I hope that he finds his way,
I wish him no ill will.
I just am not that friend to put up with the drama anymore.
my world no longer consists of that stuff,
thank goodness!
It is amazing how far it can seem that we have traveled on our journey,
when in reality,
we have barely made any distance at all.
What is behind us pales in comparison to what lies before us.

Your worst enemy cannot harm you as much
as your own unguarded thoughts.
Develop the mind of equilibrium.
You will always be getting praise and blame,
but do not let either affect the poise of the mind:
follow the calmness, the absence of pride.
Sutta Nipata

Just as a mother would protect with her life her own son,
her only son,
so one should cultivate an unbounded mind towards all beings,
and loving-kindness towards all the world.
One should cultivate an unbounded mind,
above and below and across,
without obstruction, without enmity, without rivalry.
Standing, or going, or seated, or lying down,
as long as one is free from drowsiness,
one should practice this mindfulness.
This, they say, is the holy state here.
Sutta Nipata

The fool thinks he has won a battle when he bullies with harsh speech,
but knowing how to be forbearing alone makes one victorious.
Samyutta Nikaya I, 163

Things are not what they appear to be: nor are they otherwise.
Surangama Sutra

Reconciliation is to understand both sides;
to go to one side and describe the suffering being endured by the other side,
and then go to the other side and describe the suffering being endured by the first side.

finding zen.

Learning to let go can be effortless some minutes
and unbelievably challenging the next minute.
It’ll work out the way it’s meant to;
everything always does.
Watching Jackson
reminds me of how simple life can be.
Eating,
pooping,
playing,
exploring,
sleeping.
To be blissfully ignorant of all the world’s woes,
to live,
laugh,
and love so innocently.
That is the beauty of children,
you see.
That’s the beauty of life.
Never mind your faith,
race,
gender,
status,
or wealth.
All children across the spectrum epitomize the good left in this world;
the way life should be lived.
Perhaps adulthood is about uneducating ourselvesand relearning life’s simple joys.
As Jackson stretches his legs and falls down to the floor with all 4 splayed out,
I am grateful.
When he decides that the blanket insulted him,
and it must be punished,
I laugh.
The way Harley imitates a stoned pothead while basking in the sun,
reminds me to take it easy.
When my Bella is still groggy after just waking up
and has this goofy yet absolutely adorable look upon her face,
I am reminded of how lucky I am,
and how fragile everything is.
I know how crazy,
lonely,
depressed,
angry,
pathetic,
and rock bottom it can all get.
That’s why I’ll never forget where I came from.
That’s why I keep karma on my shoulder.
We only get one go round,
I’m enjoying the ride.

hurt feelings.

The art of letting go is a tricky little bastard.
I must remember the Buddhist rule of the selfless self;
impermanence is the key.
it is tough,
but I reckon that is why they call it a process.
maybe that is what it is all about?
Perhaps it is not what is at the end of the road,
but about the journey on the road.
when I stop to take a look around at this world,
it can be completely overwhelming to see our society falling apart,
watching an illegal, senseless war that will undoubtedly & inevitably catapult us into WWIII,
and we are made to feel like we are powerless to stop it.
that is when it is time to remove myself and bring it back down to the basics.
lately I have been attempting to do just that.
the sky is more blue,
the trees more green,
the song birds more happy,
even the flowers seem to be more brilliant.
and noticing the little things such as Jackson’s Buddha belly,
his feisty bark,
and the way Harley will play with him when he thinks nobody is looking…
it is those minute things that bring me a sense of fulfillment.
while I can be a braggart,
as can we all,
it does not fulfill me.
once upon a time not that long ago,
I foolishly believed bragging to be a form of superiority;
now,
it is foolishly senseless,
accomplishing nothing.
may be because I am growing old,
and my joints will hurt when the rain is coming,
maybe what true Nirvana is.
I am beginning to rethink my agnostic status.
as dumb as this will make me sound,
maybe I can find a Buddhist for Dummies book.
I have read a Buddhist book aimed at teenagers,
and now better understand the concept.
if our society is spinning down the drain,
I will make the best of my time
and continue my journey of happiness.
that is what it is all about,
correct?
I think that James Taylor hit the nail on the head with these lyrics,

SECRET O’ LIFE
“The secret of life is enjoying the passage of time.
Any fool can do it, there ain't nothing to it.
Nobody knows how we got to the top of the hill.
But since we're on our way down, we might as well enjoy the ride.
The secret of love is in opening up your heart.
It's okay to feel afraid, but don't let that stand in your way.
Cause anyone knows that love is the only road.
And since we're only here for a while, might as well show some style.
Give us a smile.
Isn't it a lovely ride?
Sliding down, gliding down,
try not to try too hard, it's just a lovely ride.
Now the thing about time is that time isn't really real.
It's just your point of view, how does it feel for you?
Einstein said he could never understand it all.
Planets spinning through space, the smile upon your face, welcome to the human race.
Some kind of lovely ride.
I'll be sliding down, I'll be gliding down.
Try not to try too hard, it's just a lovely ride.
Isn't it a lovely ride?
Sliding down, gliding down,
try not to try too hard, it's just a lovely ride.
The secret of life is enjoying the passage of time.”

boo.

on the r blog...
"Patsy writes:
Have you been watching the hearing today? They just broke for lunch and embers of the audience yelled out FIRE A. Gonzales and IMPEACH the President. AG’s answered 55 times I don’t recall? C-SPAN3
i dont recall
my ass
THIS ADMINISTRATION IS CRIMINAL"

check this, i thought it was cool...
"getty writes:
Do you like Boston?
Please come to Boston for the Springtime?
im staying here with some friends
and theyve got lots of room"

i believe rosie has indubitably become the contemporary gloria steinem.
i did not understand until today that the women's movement was dying out.
the supreme court has now unbolted the door to unravel roe v wade.
it is happening now, America.
we are unraveling at the seams.
this country was founded on the basis of FREEDOM OF CHOICES.
hence, the religious persecution that the Pilgrims faced in England.
gradually but unquestionably,
the constitution is being diminished inch by inch.
disregard progression;
its regression’s path we are running full steam ahead on.
where will it guide us to?
definitely not Oz.
whatever or where that heinous and inevitable location is,
most certainly will not be in the land of the free.
rather,
the land of the restricted.
we already are becoming slaves to our government under the Bush regime.
democracy is shifting into a tyranny.
ready?
here we go.

i can't resist!!

a poignant day.

Anglican head Williams says anti-gays misread Bible

another school massacre.
this time,
the most deadly in history.
what rosie said was preeminent;
it appears as if we've become anesthetized to it.
the focus now shifts to placing the culpability,
like spinning Twister’s arrow to see where it’ll land.
no coincidences there are;
hitler's birthday, april 20th,
columbine april 20th, 1999.
virginia april 16th, 2007.
without educating ourselves on history’s cataclysms,
round ‘n round we scamper in circles.
what we as uneducated and novice Americans have to look forward to
is WWIII, a holocaust, and the continuance of civil rights inequalities.
it is eminent.
I have declared this before,
as I will again;
our American society once proudly established on the foundation of freedom and democracy,
is now decomposing.
she is no longer the land of the free.
the place in which we inhabit is her residual of what she once embodied.
yes indeed,
it is a poignant day for all.

JACKSON!!

everyone's a little bit racist.

So today on the view,
freedom of speech and the topic of racism was the subject of debate.
(they were discussing the Imus situation.)
Rosie claimed it was about freedom of speech,
while Elisabeth claimed it was about racism.
now, I normally tend to agree with Rosie,
however, today I did not.
in my opinion,
the reason that people got so fired up about the situation,
was because it was about racism.
to be more specific,
it is truly about the double standard of racism in this country.
Imus would have never said that about a basketball team of men.
not only was it racist against blacks,
it was demeaning towards women as well.
Liz would have been proud of me today though,
when Rosie mentioned avenue q’s “everyone's a Little bit racist,”
I knew what it was!
In fact,
I actually really like that song.
anyways, moving on...
I keep thinking about the next bridal shower that my friend will be having in her honor.
the person throwing it for her is my childhood bully.
karma has indeed visited her.
none of us are who we were as a child;
time changes all of us.
I have found forgiveness but somehow I still can't forget.
I wonder how it will go,
it is ironic to say that only time will tell.
tomorrow night,
we have a Little League baseball game.
then on Saturday morning,
we go to pick up Jackson.
I am so excited!
Yesterday,
I began to paint a new painting.
I don't know what it was but I had this dire need to paint.
I worked on all night last night,
all night tonight,
and still I am not finished.
to me,
painting is cathartic;
it allows my soul to sing a sweet lullaby to the universe,
and it rejuvenates my senses.
when I paint,
peaceful nirvana is bestowed upon me.
i blissfully dance in the purple,
because I know that every broken Road has led me to where I am.
and where I am is where I am meant to be.
it is only here where I am content.

deaf, dumb, and blind.

Round and round it goes,
where it stops nobody knows.
It's the proverbial drain,
spiraling down to life’s outcast sewer systems.
Down below is a wasteland of futile information that us Americans have decided to permanently delete.
Because we trust our all-knowing all-powerful presidential father figure who supposedly and theoretically has our best interests at heart.
Larry is the daddy
(as if we didn't already know),
Imus gets canceled
(maybe he should have just gone to celeb rehab as well, it seemed to work for Isaiah Washington…),
The Duke date rape case charges have all been dropped.
Johnny Cash's Lake side legendary House has been burned to the ground,
no doubt a piece of musical history forever lost.
Danny Bonaduce's marriage is a failure,
just like him.
Distractions all around to blind us all from the blatant truth.
Every day more blood is shed and more lives are lost it,
but we as a public are focused on what is going to happen to baby Dannielynn,
American Idol’s Sanjaya take over conspiracy,
and dog food recalls.
Monkey see,
monkey do.
What you don't see plastered all over ET are at the antiwar rallies sporadically around the country.
What you don't hear is how the Senate has defied President Bush and passed the stem cell bill.
What you don't hear them tell is how for people in Brazil stem cells have now offered hope to young diabetics.
What you don't hear is how the recent cold snap will affect Southern farmers’ crops.
What you don't hear is how one medical company is now cutting the price of AIDS drugs.
What we don't hear is how the Bush administration plans on alleviating the gas price for the upcoming year.
What we won't hear is Bush defending the Pentagon's decision to extend its army combat tours to 15 months of service.
Strangely, yet surprisingly enough, we are hearing Bush admit that he wants a war czar
(perhaps that is because Bush already thinks he is America's Czar).
What we will never hear are the tales from the soldiers themselves about this pointless illegal war going on.
What we will never hear is Bush admitting that he was wrong about the war.
What we will never hear the sound of peace.

basking in the purple.

alas,
i have mostly recovered
from accidently viewing the picture of the pre-embalmed body of anna nicole smith.
it fucked with me.
i strongly recommend others to not look at this immense invasion of privacy.
i thought it was a gag site.
it was --
just not the gag i thought.
anywho,
oh i had fun this weekend!!
burps and farts in abundance.
yesth.
i must write the last two papers this week.
spring cleaning begins.
puppy proofing,
and party cleansing of the home.
yes. i cannot wait.
i love it.
absolutely love it.
no drama,
no bullshit,
a peaceful balance...
my life is better than i ever thought it could be.
i still have my days where i awake on the wrong side of the bed.
i still have those days where everything that can go wrong, does go wrong.
cheryl and i still have the rare disagreement.
to deny those happen is just plain foolishly dishonest.
i had to THINK about what i wanted for my bday,
which has NEVER happened to me before.

i have everything i want for the first time, ever.
i finally concluded that my ass aint a size 4 anymore,
so i need clothes.
all i need are clothes.
how's about that?
i need,
not want,
and i have everything i ever dreamt of.

how sweet it is.

so harley and i came home to florence.
i was so nervous about the shower that i wanted to puke.
but once liz and i settled in,
everything fell into place like the years hadn't slipped by us all.
we realized how old we all are.
9 o'clock bedtime on fridays,
gardening,
laundry,
house cleaning...
that is what's replaced the usual weekend party lineup.
we couldn't help but to wonder where that time went.
these childhood friends of mine,
i loved to hate them,
and hated to love them.
it did my heart good.
it truly does go full circle.
my family pic adorns mrs. marti's fridge.
and mrs. b. got excited about my upcoming blowout bday party.
how's about that?
my wife,
our 2 sons,
our families,
my childhood friends all together.
if that isn't mind boggling,
i don't know what is.
it put a smile on my face,
and warmed my heart.
yes.
i have never been so fulfilled.
i get my son in exactly one week,
and,...
two reba mcentire concert tickets were purchased today for my wife & i.
how sweet it is, indeed.

rockin.

93 on a math test i thought i failed.
94 on an english paper "worthy of a 'C' "
we put so much hard work into our gardens & yards
to find out there is a freeze this weekend.
this weekend i'll be in the big flo-town for a bridal shower.
Bella has to work,
so it'll be a weekend without her.
i get Jackson on the 14th!!
the peds cardiologist said all was well.
by the time i'll need a valve replacement,
they'll be able to do via heart catheter instead of a cut 'n slice surgery.
amazing by all accounts.
they have one specialist in my field now.
its about damn time.
although, i admit,
i like the fact that i still see a pediatric doc.
i'm going to miss my Pookie this weekend.
*sigh*
ah yesth,
yesth yesth.
our yard will be rockin it fabulously this weekend
with the flower beds covered with bed sheets!!

and she speaks.

if you listen close enough
the universe will whisper sweet lullabies into your ear.
in those fleeting moments
when you are exactly where you are meant to be,
her murmurs confirm your existence.
oh yes,
she has much to say.
but the rat race drowns her out,
turning us all deaf, dumb and blind.
her words are spoken via our carolina blue sky,
the hundred year old oak tree,
déjà vu,
astounding intuitions,
stunning Marigolds,
a baby's laughter,
or perhaps she lets the wind kiss your lips.
she spoke to me today
as i sat in our back patio area.
the brilliant green leaves covered parts of the carolina blue sky,
as the birds sang in gleeful bliss.
harley pranced about to take shade,
Bella gazed over our hard work,
and i intensely listened to what the universe was telling me.
i am married,
i have a family,
and a home with a picket fence.
when i saw the sun's rays kissing Bella's forehead,
i knew,...
i knew this was my fairytale come true.
undoubtedly not the idyllic version i so dreamt of as a teenager,
instead, an impeccable bona fide reverie.
she whispered to me words of wisdom:
appreciate it all.
i do,
i do,
i say.