Setting Sail

'youre such a fish wife'
i hear in my head
like a broken record
back in Charleston
thank Goddess
not a minute too soon
thats for sure
Florence is the tidal wave in my dreams
suffocating me
trapping me
keeping me tied to the ocean's floor
looking up to all the world before me
feeling helpless
but not in Charleston
a new leaf for me
total honesty
a breath of fresh air
resurecting me
the sun is so warm
floating atop the waves
the wind in my sails
guiding me to where i belong
fate does indeed have a funny way
of working things out

Happy Birthday To Me

gotta love the gov't, huh
call me in for jury duty
keep me on call
then don't use me
inconvenienced for a gov't that won't let me get married
crazy shit, ain't it?
i realized i hated being in Florence
not because i'm so deeply in love with my girl that its "sicknin" (LoL, i love you Bella)
but because of all the memories both good and bad
i've faced my past
how can i not,
with those two reminding me exactly how horrible i was
forgiveness
forgiving myself.
this is a new year for me,
self improvement
my new years resolution.
tear those walls down
feel the emotions
don't run away
i don't think i am doing that
i think i am getting a chance at happiness
a chance to start over
a chance to learn to love myself
so i can give my girl my all
so i can give me my all.
you know what?
i wish her the best
i hope she never ends up in the stone garden
going home tomorrow,
home to where i belong.
where i am loved for who i am
not judged by who i was.
change.
its a good thing.
scary, yes.
but good.

2nd Star To The Right...

12 p.m. Saturday a call to my cell
comes from Carolina Pines Hospital
instantly i worry
that somethings happened to her
in my gut
i know
somethings wrong
she wont talk to me now
i guess you cant blame her
tink and starlight
are no longer
yet again
in my mind a memory plays
like a broken record
of that dreadful night at his house
i remember the window
the black of the night
and hearing passion's call
i got what i deserved
the two i most loved
together
in front of my very eyes
it tore my heart apart
sent my nerves amuck
and my mind to that deep horrible black hole of no return
like jimmy and martina sing,
with another trip around the sun,
came another chance of a reunion between tink and starlight
times before
my fears got in the way
this time was different
the fears were all melted away
she has him
her other half
thus the broken memory playing over relentlessly
i thought of that and the times before
when she was shared
that i couldnt take anymore
if i were to have my chance again
it would be him with whom she shared a bed every night
tink and starlight are a pair
websters defines a pair
as two
not three
a part of me she will undoubtedly forever have
that part untouchable to others
no matter where i go
or what i may do
that star will still be the light in my soul
that love will cease to burn on the day of my departure
so here i am
starting over
once again
never thought i would fall in love ever again
i swore i never would again
especially after 'peter pan'
now its all coming into completion
like ive said before
i can see my path
where i am meant to go
and i shall not stray
isnt it ironic
when life goes on
but some are frozen in time
their life forges ahead
but in their minds
its still the same
kinda the same way its ironic
that pan and tink
are incomplete without each other
yet theyre never together in the tales
perhaps the biggest irony of all
is time itself
those frozen in time,
the mortal fools
those keeping up with the rat race,
immortal fools
my life continues to grow beautifully
my heart and soul held by one Goddess
but i guess its safe to say that tinks spirit
is immortalized with those that lead her to where she is now
always floating around
watching over them
but never really there
even though they can look unto the heavens anytime
to see that second star to the right

Blind Love

i can't keep a steady train of thoughts
stop 'n go
stop 'n go
my ear hurts from this damned sinus infection
i looked online tonight
on the effects of Bendectin
the drug my Mother took for morning sickness related nausia
it sickens me
the gov't covering their asses all in the namesake of greed
children, people like me
walking testimonies
i dare a drug rep of dow pharmacuticals
to deny it to my face
i never took the pity party road
too much independence and stubborness was instilled in me early on
i admit,
i do worry about how it'll effect my life down the road
when with child
will i be able to physically care for myself
and post child
will she/he be embarrassed by their Mom who doesn't look like the others
i can honestly confess
anger was one emotion i never beared because of what happened
neither confusion
always acceptance
and the thought of
'okay whats next'
i know had i been born 'normal'
i'd be a lil cocky arrogant bitch
just like the rest of the barbie doll conformists
i wouldn't trade it for the world
its like i have a different set of eyes on than the rest of the world
my Nana,
she taught me to look at a person inside out
so it is a person's soul i see
and come to love or loathe
i can see the beauty all around me
be it my twin brothers getting frustrated
because they got struck out at a late evening little league game,
or my crazy dog sticking both his big floppy ass Yoda ears straight up,
or the way my girlfriend coyly blushes at a compliment
i remember being a snaggle toothed, freckled faced little girl with pig tails
being timid and introverted
and deathly afraid of making new friends
i hated the stares and the looks of sorrow and pity
i have been truly Blessed though
so it seems
i have true friends that have hung around since diapers and pacifiers
they have remained by my side through thick and thin
even after i came out
it was no big deal to one
and the other,
still thinks i'll wind up hitched to the monster
but point is
they didn't care about my 'disability'
i did think though that because of it
i wasn't worth being loved by others
i was damaged goods
outside looking in
lawd knows i have a rather colorful past,
i've loved and have been loved
but i can't help but to think that sometimes i was nothing more than an easy target
some would say that i had the ideal body
others would tell tales of my supposed beauty
now that i have found my center
my true color
my soul
i am able to begin to apppreciate my own beauty
she says i am blinded by love
but i tell her no that i can see her just fine
i see every one of her perfect little flaws
and fall more for her with every turning of the tide
i can only conclude that she thinks the same
that she either adores my flaws perfectly
or she just doesn't see them
i can't help but to wonder
if she sees the world through the same set of eyes that i do
it is she who reminds me of pure, untainted love
let me not forget to say my prayers and say thanks for my beautiful angel

Life Is Good

the ac is on
my mind is numb from the sound
thinking of forthcoming bills for the month of may
that in itself
another headche
tonight i will be beside her
in the dispatch center
seeing her in action
i know will set my imagination amuck
i'm leaving sunday
to go home
but thats the question,
where is home
i never thought that home would end up where i don't belong
as rascal flatts says
i like that song,
i can identify with it
i'm movin on
i thought for sure that Florence would be where i fit in
with my family and friends
but still i found myself alone
sitting in an empty house full of people
who i don't comprehend
but who care for me a little too much
its that whole sheltering thing
i strive to be out in the sun light
flying on my own
the family,
they don't know me
nor will they ever
maybe i do have problems opening up
maybe i am crazy
like starlight says
but in my miasma of lunacy
i seek comfort in this thing called my life
no psychic am i
but my intuition is telling me
the circle is becoming complete
school,
my mental status
my beautiful girlfriend
she understands it all
without judgement
she's been there too
so its indeed ironic
that highway 52 is the broken road
i think of my old friends
in far away places
sadness overcomes me
a cherished friendship lost
due to stupid dramatic bull shit
gotta love them fags and dykes,
the never ending supply of drama
in this god forsaken world
eclisped by hatred
she is my sunshine
my breath of fresh air
that reminds me
just like my Twins
my Grandma
my crazy ass dog
and my Nana,
that beauty still exists
on the shelf next to magic and fairytales
she reminds me
that life is indeed good

First Flight Out

i hear her voice
so angelic
i can hear the sincerety and the love
my heart tells me its true
not even twenty minutes away and i ache for her touch
so it seems the fairytale has finally come true
my head says "don't jinx this, sarah,
its time to grow up,
let her love you,
open up"
the unnerving fear still resides within the chaotic walls of my head
but the harry potter-esque courage in my heart forges ahead
into an unknown world
filled with fire flies, sunsets, beaches, smiles,
and most of all,
love
it is not leaving Florence i fear,
rather,
i fear her not wanting my true colors,
my true soul
i want her to see,
i desperately try to let her in,
i want to give her my all,
my everything,
but my hesitation
is that damned blonde haired, blue eyed monster
who claimed to be the last connection to my Nana,
here i am, an adult,
that in itself, a cliche,
because i am Tink,
but i still have monsters in my head
round and round they dance in the jaded pictures of my memories
their evil laughter echoing
never quite leaving me be,
but like the Phoniex,
i am rising from the ashes,
my wings are healed,
its my turn to fly away from NeverLand,
maybe she'll fly in the heavens with me
perhaps the moon's glow will illuminate her smile,
i already see the twinkle in her eyes