MY 'Window On The World'

one more candle and a trip around the sun
they sing
time flies
situations may change
but shit's still the same
have you ever noticed that?
its mind blowing
at how some people
are stuck
they're in a rut
time is whizzing by
death consumes faceless people
pure hearts birthed everyday
only to begin that journey towards death
these stagnet people have become so jaded
that they're immune to what takes place around them
thus the reason that in which
time ages their faces
but they're still the same cold and dark souls they always were
with life streaming by
at an alarming speed
its hard to refrain from becoming jaded
i hear them all talking
saying all the bad things they can about me
truth is
they dunno me
nor will they ever
if small town backyard picket fence gossip makes them content
then so be it
its their life
and to each its own
to those rare few who do know me
then they know enough
just a few
know me true
and to those that do
are those who i believe in
and its those who believe in me
it is those who i give a two shits about
about what they say
for you see,
the truest of a friend would never
stab you in the back
the definition of a true friend
is the same of that of a true love
isn't that something to ponder?
to love trully,
whole heartedly,
flawlessly perfect,
perfectly flawless,
and without a statute of limitations

Tink's Biggest Wish

first of all,
i must say,
i cannot stand fake people.
that's all i saw at SC Pride
this past weekend in Columbia
it was less crowded than last year
those who condemned me
made such an obvious effort to speak
to the girl who's name they spat at
ash is promised atl will be better
and if he can get off work
he is welomed to go
upon my return to home
i see my yoda dog
my twins
and her
who've i've not seen in literally 6 months to the day
it was great to be home again
smiles everywhere
no asshole-yness
then
my wish came true
her name's Pixie
a 5 y/o rescued yorkie
like Tink says in Hook,
this is her biggest wish come true!

I Believe

so i went to see star wars III: revenge of the sith on may 18th
the line to get in the theatre
was backed to the door
it was supposed to start at 12:01
but didn't til like 1
the movie previews
included mr and mrs smith
i think i may've had a mini orgasm
when angie said
"who's ya daddy"
good gawd
if i only had five minutes alone with her...
those lips...
*sigh*
anyways, when the movie finally started
it dragged a little
but the story was told
and told very well
they did good with my man, yoda
he just damnit kicked ass
and when vadar
got chopped up and all burnt,
he looked like captain dan from forrest gump as a crispy critter,
like my emt's would say
got home at like 3:30
yeah it was a little rough
but i am glad that i saw it
i'll definately always remember that movie
its kinda like
you remember where you were
when you heard about princess diana dying
or for yall older folks (no disrespect meant, of course)
you rememberin where you were when
you heard kennedy was assassinated
its just one of them things
going to Pride on Saturday in Columbia
it'll be fun with Cheryl and Ash
afterwards,
i'm going to my grandma's for a few days
to spend time with my family and friends
to take my crazy ass dog on a walk to the dog park
to see my boys play in their baseball games
i'm just a little homesick right now
i miss my family,
my friends,
my damn retarded piss drinking dog
i hope i don't get dragged down
under the tidal wave
but its in my hands
i have the power,
not them,
to not let it get to me
i am my own person
i have grown up some,
on an emotional level
i've come too far now
to let them have the power to bring me down to their level
"i am not a child now,
i can survive on my own,
faith, trust, and pixie dust,...
i believe...
in faith, trust, and pixie dust"

Ironic

Just kinda thought about this song...Not for obvious reasons. Its SO right, is it not?!

Ironic Lyrics
An old man turned ninety-eight
He won the lottery and died the next day
It's a black fly in your Chardonnay
It's a death row pardon two minutes too late
And isn't it ironic...
dontcha think
It's like rain on your wedding day
It's a free ride when you've already paid
It's the good advice that you just didn't take
Who would've thought...
it figures
Mr. Play It Safe was afraid to fly
He packed his suitcase and kissed his kids goodbye
He waited his whole damn life to take that flight
And as the plane crashed down he thought
"Well isn't this nice..."
And isn't it ironic...
dontcha think
It's like rain on your wedding day
It's a free ride when you've already paid
It's the good advice that you just didn't take
Who would've thought...
it figures
Well life has a funny way of sneaking up on you
When you think everything's okay and everything's going right
And life has a funny way of helping you out when
You think everything's gone wrong and everything blows up
In your face
A traffic jam when you're already late
A no-smoking sign on your cigarette break
It's like ten thousand spoons when all you need is a knife
It's meeting the man of my dreams
And then meeting his beautiful wife
And isn't it ironic...
dontcha think
A little too ironic...
and yeah I really do think...
It's like rain on your wedding day
It's a free ride when you've already paid
It's the good advice that you just didn't take
Who would've thought...
it figures
Life has a funny way of sneaking up on you
Life has a funny, funny way of helping you out
Helping you out

I Love You

i awoke on the wrong side of the bed this morning
strange for me
oh well
went today and bought two tickets
for may 18th midnight showing
of star wars episode III: revenge of the sith
very frikkin excited about that
stopped on the way home
for blue crab, fried crab, garlic crab, and shrimp
from a lil vender on the street corner
i was hesitant at first
but the dude has an A rating from dhec
then we came home
and ate our food
she was amazed at how i could clean out the crab shell
she said somethin about talent
makin me blush
ofcourse
but then...
the lady has talent
yes ma'am
she has talent
anyways
i realized tonight
i need to call voc rehab
to have my case transferred asap
because my ass needs to begin my approved therapy like yesterday
i revealed to my love tonight
my true wish
it left me floored
that i could say something
of that magnitude
but i meant it
with every syllable
so to answer your question, Bella,
yes, its unofficial
so long as i still wake in your arms in the morning
look into your beautiful blue eyes
and kiss your tender lips everyday
everyday i fall more and more in love with you
and i realize all the more
how truly lucky and Blessed i am
i have found the one the Gods made for me
without a shadow of a doubt
not a day passes
in which my thanks are not given for you,
my own lil miracle
thank you, Bella
thank you for being you
i love you.

Tennessee Hillbillies and Bug Dikk

so monday at 6:15 a.m.
i crawl out of bed for a quick shower
so cheryl and i can head for the great smoky mountains
right outside of charleston
i see the most disturbing sight ever
i don't know what's more sad;
the sight itself
or the way it fukked with my head as much as it did
it was a chevy camaro
with a frikkin pontiac firebird sloop hood on it
how FUKKING STUPID IS THAT?!
i'm tellin yall,
i have problems
because i still am bothered by this
and am still mouthing off about it...
anyways on to the trip
we get to tennessee
the mountains are indeed beautiful
pigeon forge, sevierville, and gatlinburg
all family oriented and beautiful
the people in tennessee scared me
they looked like those scary, backwoods hillbillies
with both their eyes goin in different directions
in over-alls, ragweed comin out the empty space in their gums where teeth should be,
with velvet portatraits of Elvis, Gospel blaring, and winkin at ya
they looked like them crazies in that movie candice made me watch
'House Of A 1,000 Corpses'
they were the psychotic serial killers
good Gawd
they wuz some scary breed of humans, i tell ya
anyways, chickened out of my tattoo
was going to get a tribal symbol
for the word 'woman' on my lower back
still want it
but i'mma need some
*courage* from my family members
place had a very nice jacuzzi
on the way out on wednesday
we all went to the Forbidden Caverns
650 feet under the Great Smoky Mountains
very cheesy
but breath taking
i liked tennessee
don't get me wrong
but when we crossed the nc/sc line
i literally wanted to stop the car and kiss the ground
during our trip crossing through south carolina
i opened up to cheryl
like i never have before
not even to fat bastard or starlight
or anybody
i told her the thoughts in my head
i was scared, i wont lie,
scared she would judge me
and tell me i was crazy
like starlight says
but she didn't say that
cheryl simply said she knew,
she understood
and in her few reassuring words
suddenly i didn't feel so crazy after all
stopped at cheryl's parents in Orangeburg on the way home for the night
rode on the four wheeler shortly after we arrived
but i couldn't hack it
too many frikkin bug guts and intestines and bug dikk hittin me on muh forehead
achk
southern i may be
and my redneck side may still get riled up every so often,
but girly i am
no bug guts and dikk on my forehead
while we were in o-burg
we went shopping for her neice's bday gift
and she bought me two sterling silver rings
one is called a worry ring,
very cute
the other is a ring i've wanted for a long time
it says
'faith = trust'
funny how things come to those who wait, huh?
i still find myself falling deeper in love with cheryl
her perfect blue eyes
entrance me more and more
the more around her i am
the more i am transforming
i'm beginning to believe in myself more,
my confidence is going up,
i'm learning more and more who i am on the inside,
funny thing is,
is that for me to grow up,
i had to go in reverse to find the little girl inside me
no more is she sad, lonely, self destructive, blind, and angry
now i am happy, soulful, high spirited
and now i can see the mesmerizing beauty all around me

A Bump On Mah Noggin

embarrassment
ticking clock
changing into pj's
lost my footing
and bam!
head collides with the tub
i tell her it hurts just a little
i be the good wifey,
pack her supper
and kiss her goodbye as she departs for work
within minutes
my vision blurs,
nausia hits my tummy,
a headache soon follows
and a headache from Hell is born
i refuse to go to the er
i've paid my dues in hospital/er time
the thought of another Mother Teresa look-a-like
proding and poking a huge ass needle into my foot bone
and leaving my feet black and blue yet again repulses me
and scares me from stepping foot into Charleston County er
it takes my grandmother
to tell (not ask) me to carry my behind to get examined
so my wonderful girl
sends her crew of medics to pick me up
i tell ya
they quinches my yearning to ride in the ambulance
patient vs joyride
a helluva difference
no wait in the er
the cute lil doc sees me immediately
the nurse,
another open heart veteran
the staff in this er,
prompt and well mannered
unlike either Florence or Dar Co hospitals
i wonder
whether they're being this attentative
because i'm cheryl's girl
or if its because they're actually a good staff
a little of both
me thinks
a cat scan,
one percoset,
and one anti-dizzy pill later
i am released
just a concussion
they tell me
the cute doc prescribes anti dizzy meds
and i'm escorted upstairs by the homophobe
he's nice
though
it makes me wonder
how someone so nice
cannot understand blind love
so anyways
to the fourth floor i go
safely returning to my girlfriend
she came to see me while i was waiting in the er
thirty seconds after walking in,
she talks into her walkie talkie
which turns me on
in .03 seconds
i feel guilty for my high libido
i feel like a faerie nymph sometimes
but i swear thats how attracted to her i am
the more i look at her
the more in love i fall
and the more of a horn toad i get
its a combination of a lot of things when i gaze at her
but tonight
she showed me how much she cared for me
by sending her crew to fetch me
so sunday is mothers day
and i think of the women who have influenced my life
my Nana, Mawmaw, Mrs B, Dr Belotti (Mros)
all but one a mother
and even she has her children that remember her from two decades ago
bein a mother
completing the circle of life
like its sung
in The Lion King
sunday we unload
only to pack
then leave for Tennessee
so i can sit on my ass in my bikini
while Bella white water rafts with a redhead
i am reminded of that faithful beach trip
with fitch, m, and b
but i have faith,
trust,
and pixie dust
and pure love
that makes this situation different
next subject,
small town gossip spreads like wild fire
the fire burns the promises
only ashes remain to remind us of those broken words
hurt feelings and disapointment grow
within the residue of the ashes
my head is swimming
of pointless thoughts
as my eyes try to adjust to her blinding beauty
after all,
she is my angel

I Love You Back

went to Folly at like 1 a.m.
24 oz. beer in hand
cigerettes
my glasses
and blanket in tow just in case
found a dock thingy with steps
clear night it was
all the stars were lighting the way for the waves to blanket the shore
the tide was high
"mother nature's taking her land back" she says
we sit on the steps taking in the splendor surrounding us
the sound
the smell
the sights
damn invisible 'squiters annoying us,
in between drags of a cigerette or sips of the beer
the cigerette smoke contrasted the black of the night sky
in a silky sultry manner
though a light weight am i
when it comes to alcohol
it was nice,
hadn't had a beer in a while
drunk man's words are a sober man's thoughts
it was so clear to me,
clearer than the night sky
she was the one
they told me of split aparts
that she is to me
i survived birth for this reason
she's the angel to be by my side for the rest of my life
its as clear as a Bell
the next day
hangover and all for me
to Jamison we went
laundry in tow
feels like two love sick college kids going home to Mom's
i love it there
so homey
a true family
sweet southern comfort
julia sugarbaker says
you proudly display the crazy members of your family
on the front porch
you don't hide them
we just relaxed
after that first night there
we had to
momma's night gown in grandmother's bed
*woot woot*
see if that don't mess with ya mind any
she'll kill me when she sees this
if she doesn't blush or bust out laughing first
rented Spanglish and The Forgotten
got in the jacuzzi in between movies
Spanglish,
good movie
shitty ending
The Forgotten,
damn that julianne moore is hot
its gotta be that red hair
good movie too by the way
went to Florence after leaving Jamison
was nervous for her to meet my own Mother
don't get me started on her
was just hoping and praying that everyone behaved
saw my boys
time is flying by so fast
my heart aches to see how much my brothers are growing up
and margaret,
soon she'll be driving
seems all so surreal
like a dream
did it all ever really happen
but then i look over at cheryl
and i know that yes it did
yes there's been heartaches
"years and miles
tears and smiles"
as jimmy buffet says
but it'll all be okay
she saw past the fascade
saw the sadness
she sees my flaws
my imperfections
and knows the inevitable struggle ahead of me
yet she still takes me by the hand
smiles
as her blue eyes twinkle and sparkle like a bright star
and she says
"i love you back"