I'm A Survivor

i know i am Blessed
i know i have my guardian angels watching over me
i sit here to meditate
to count my Blessings
and rid my angry, sore tears
looking back,
i wish i could've done things differently in my past
but then again,
i wouldn't be where i am at now, right?
i keep hearing that i must let go of my anger and hurt
if i wish to truly begin my journey of self healing & self discovery
my cards said my ultimate goal is to be
the best wife, sister, mother, friend, daughter, & grand daughter i can possibly be
sounds like an army commercial, doesn't it?
i think " they " are right though...
i think forgiveness is going to be the key i need to begin the real healing.
i need to forgive myself, my (unfortunately) sperm donor, & fat bastard.
i have forgiven my mom,
i have worked hard to try to restore a relationship with her
* thinking out loud about the sperm donor & fat bastard *
concerning my sperm donor,...
it is HIS problem. HE is the one who has the hangups. HE is the unaccepting one. HE is the one incapable of loving HIS family, well HELL, HE is the one who is stupid...HE knows not the meaning of family...i'mma tell you one damn thing, when i am married with children, and i go to my sister, Jack's wedding, and he can't go because no one volunteered to pick his pathetic ass up from the Home, all will be corrected, when he is lonely sitting in his own feces and wonders why no one visits him, perhaps his actions and words to his children will sink in. the loneliness he will have to endure will be his demise. the loneliness will deprive him of his pride, ego, and greed. thus i know, karma will see that he gets what he best deserves.
when it comes to fat bastard...
i hope one day i can learn to forgive him. the damage he left behind...i once swore was irrepairable, now i know, patience, forgiveness, love, & time will heal all. as far as he goes...i know what will happen to him, though i don't wish him ill will, but he will meet the love of his life, his soulmate, and she will leave him in ruins and never loved him at all. as a matter of fact, i hope he can begin on his own journey of self discovery to find & bring out that little boy who was once so dearly admired and loved. that little boy, that person was so innocently beautiful, so pure, so loving & lovable.

it is quite curious that both of these men are the two who've brought me to my knees in agonizing pain. both couldn't accept what was. i thought my life would be over if i never got their acceptance & love. how morbidly wrong was i. i thought death would become me without their acceptance & love. now, it is quite the irony that it is these two that have made me so strong. i'm finally coming to the conclusion that if these 2 couldn't kill me, nobody can. these 2 were indeed the 2 that were rooted the deepest. i will overcome my adversities, i believe that more than ever. i no longer will allow these two to be my anchor and wiegh me down.

though it may be cheesier than all Hell, i believe this song to be MY theme song for now...

You know a dream is like a river
Ever changin' as it flows
And a dreamer's just a vessel
That must follow where it goes
Trying to learn from what's behind you
And never knowing what's in store
Makes each day a constant battle
Just to stay between the shores...and
I will sail my vessel
'Til the river runs dry
Like a bird upon the wind
These waters are my sky
I'll never reach my destination
If I never try
So I will sail my vessel
'Til the river runs dry
Too many times we stand aside
And let the waters slip away
'Til what we put off 'til tomorrow
Has now become today
So don't you sit upon the shoreline
And say you're satisfied
Choose to chance the rapids
And dare to dance the tide...yes
I will sail my vessel
'Til the river runs dry
Like a bird upon the wind
These waters are my sky
I'll never reach my destination
If I never try
So I will sail my vessel
'Til the river runs dry
There's bound to be rough waters
And I know I'll take some falls
But with the good Lord as my captain
I can make it through them all...yes
I will sail my vessel
'Til the river runs dry
Like a bird upon the wind
These waters are my sky
I'll never reach my destination
If I never try
So I will sail my vessel
'Til the river runs dry
Yes, I will sail my vessel
'Til the river runs dry
'Til the river runs dry