Wormy Shithead

just let it go, sarah
she says
i am trying
trying to focus on the purple
it is coming into view
but still blurry
cheryl got her schedule for the crimmus week
it sucks
she works all nights 23-25th
i'll hafta figure out what we're gonna do
but she is off New Yrs Eve & Day
i'mma make sure i'm durrin a lil sumin-sumin at midnight
cause yall know the old wives tale bout that...
whatever you're durrin at midnight
on new years eve is what you'll be durrin for most of the year
<>
we found out my Shithead has worms
gee
i told him that cat shit wouldn't be good for his health
so tomorrow we're getting the de-wormer med for him
his behavior overall has improved
as long as he has a blanket to snuggle under
he isn't as clingy as he was
so we have made some progress there
baby steps, eh?
he's gotten the sit thing down pat for the most part
he also knows " get down "
" go lay down "
and we've taught him he cannot be on the furniture if we are eating in the living room
he is learning to not beg for food anymore either!!
now THATS kick ass!!
when we eat at the table, he'll lay down in the living room and go to sleep
or he'll snuggle under a blanket and go to sleep
awww
but he has this thing about watchin you go potty
and i can't stand that
so the dog is still a bit damn psycho
but he wouldn't be harley if he wasn't
next subject
w gave a speech today
about protecting our mexican border more efficiently
hmmm
i hate to say i agree with him
that goes against my every belief to say i agree with that jerk off.
anyways
there ya go
i got stuff to do, gtg, peace

BTW....

HAPPY BIRTHDAY ELLIS & ALEX!!!

A Purple-istic Thanksgiving

so thanksgiving has come & gone
was nervous about going home
family...
gotta love 'em
but ya ass damn sure don't hafta like 'em
anyways
my 2nd cousin came to eat with us
that was nice
my Bella bought me Reba's new double CD
( 33 #1 Hits )
slightly disapointed
doesn't have Fancy OR The Night The Lights Went Out In GA.
those are two of her BIGGEST hits
and I KNOW THEY WERE #1!!
my boys are SO adorable!!
my parents got them awesome bday gifts...
alex got a catcher's gear & get up
( whatever the hell that all requires, beats me )
ellis got an electric guitar & an ampliphier (sp.?)
he'll begin lessons next year
i got to spend time with Mz Hannah Bannanna
we watched Madagascar together
well i tried to
but my deaf ass couldn't hear the movie because
she was giggling so much at it
she's such a sweetie patootie
i went to spend time with mama linda
but she was in broken heartsville when i stopped by
margaret has safely returned from NYC
( thank you, Goddess )
my mom brought me home today
that was cool
i got to spend an hour & a half ALONE with my mom
had the predicted normal family drama at thanksgiving...
yada yada yada
i was pleased to spend time with my family
but lemee TELL YOU!!
i was SOOOOO glaad ( haha ) to get harley & go home
to see my Wifey
I MISSED HER SOOO MUCH!!
MORE than ALL the stars in the Heavens!!
in retrospect ab this thanksgiving...
pondering lesson learned...
I dun tol' my Honey & I'll tell yall
I'mma quote the movie
- Finding Neverland -
" J.M. Barrie: You find a glimmer of happiness in this world, there's always someone who wants to destroy it. "


* This one reminds me of my Nana *
Peter Llewelyn Davies: It's just, I thought she'd always be here.
J.M. Barrie: So did I. But in fact, she is, because she's on every page of your imagination. You'll always have her there. Always.
Peter Llewelyn Davies: But why did she have to die?
J.M. Barrie: I don't know, boy. When I think of your mother, I will always remember how happy she looked sitting there in the parlor watching a play about her family, about her boys that never grew up. She went to Neverland and you can visit her any time you like if you just go there yourself.
Peter Llewelyn Davies: How?
J.M. Barrie: By believing, Peter. Just believe.



I know this much, I've learned to BELiEVE in my purple...in myself...in my love...in the truth...it seems as if the scabs have metamorphasized into scars...it is those scars...those reminders...that keeps me going...Even better now is my Bella believes in me...and that...is way better than anything in this world...My scars; my determination & muse...My Bella..." My Heartsong. "

Doc & Daddy-In-Law

well i finally went to the doc
sinus infection it is
gave me 2 meds for that
gave me 2 more meds for my shoulders
says if meds don't work
i may need physical therapy
right
ok.
daddy-in-law comin for supper tonight
this'll be interesting
peace.

Nuffin In Muh Noggin

today i ate supper at the in-laws
cleaned house
and la dee damn dah
not much going on
no news is good news
i miss my Bella.
she'll be home tomorrow
i can't wait.

Sniff, Sniff

okay so wednesday i had 2 appointments in C-ton
my therapist & audologist
session with Dr G went well
audiologist told VR i do need a new hearing aid
(well gee, look at the shock factor there, folks)
was kinda cranky wed. a.m.
so i figured it was just PMS
lucky me
PMS
sinus infection
possible ear infection
fever
and muscle weakness/strained in my shoulders
heehaw yall
lucky lucky lucky
my girl
she forgot 1 of my 3 idols
she got ro & my Nana
but she completely forgot Reba
not completely sure how to react to that
* sniff, sniff *
* sad, pathetic, hurt look, & big puppy dog eyes *
my boy
he know his mom's sick
he's loving me extra extra
i told her life was/is a circle
and because of her
my life has completed its circle
and is now complete
i look on Ro's blog & she says
" did stand up twice last week
wild to be back there
tiny stages
young comics
waiting
working out new stuff
full circle
we all go
round n round "

how right you are, ro.

p.s.~ yall see my adorable Bella lookin like a goofball in my tobbaggan (sp.?) ? then, there's me & my boy, & Bella and my boy

Busy Busy Busy

so monday was a big day
we moved the rest of the furniture
i worked my lil ass off
my bella cooked a jam up supper last night
ham, buttah beans, yeller rice....
de-lish-us
i called two vets today to inquire about Harley's separation anxiety
one didn't know shit
the other recommended a consultation
" to test him but not metaboliclly (sp.?) "
so i'm guessin we're just gonna hafta break down & take the lil asshole in
joy
more moo-lah
but i love him
and i want him to be happy
so its worth it
planning on spending thanxgiving wknd @ my Mawmaw's
i can't wait to spend time with her
anyways
today was our first true lazy day
woohoo
bout damn time
peace

Reincarnated Ralph & Nana's Message

so because we are in the country
we have field mice out in the yard
so just in case
we put down poison for 'em everywhere
well
last night i found a half dead one
wriggling on it's back on our kitchen floor
ralph reincarnated
( seein as to how he was 1/2 dead )
i had to call cheryl's momma to come get it
i'm such a pussy
i know
anyways
lemee tell yall about somethin kinda unexplainable
last night ( or this a.m., whatever )
i had a dream that my Nana
was wearing my sterling silver ring
2 things here;
Nana ALWAYS wore gold
and
i'd lost my ring pre-move & haven't been able to find it ANYWHERE
" but i digress "
in my dream
i noticed the ring on her hand because it was silver
i said " Nana thats my ring "
she said "Well here you go Honey "
so alas i awoke from my dream
got up
went to the bathroom
walked down the hallway
and looked at my Nana's picture that is on display
i look at her everyday & night
before i go to bed
and when i wake up
now get this shyt...
my ring was sitting right in front of her picture
it was as if she was saying
" here you go Honey "
now i asked cheryl about this, right?
her mom found my ring this a.m.,
gave it to cheryl when she went to her house before coming home,
who upon returning to our home this a.m.,
set it in front of my Nana's picture
still kinda freakish/cool, isn't it?
THEN...
THEN!!
i call my Mawmaw to tell her about it...
and be danged if she didn't find Nana's necklace on her dresser THIS MORNING
Mawmaw said she'd been looking for it for a while
and had not been able to find it amongst the chaos on top on her dresser
she said when she happened to walk by her dresser
BAM!!
there it was
mysteriously on top of everything
in plain view
( i gave Nana's necklace to Mawmaw to hold for me
because its still a little hard for me to see it)
i'mma tell yall
i dunno if i am back tracking towards bein crazy
or if there really is stuff out there that is unexplainable
either way
it felt like Nana was telling me
" i'm still here, Honey. "

- I miss you, my Nana. Not a day goes by that you don't cross my mind. You influenced me more than you'll ever know. I love you still to this day, sometimes, I think I love you more so now. I cannot get it through my mind that it has been 8 years. I've survived...just like you did, back then in your troubled times. You taught me that, I want you to know. Feels crazy even writing this, because you're not here to read it. But I know you're still with me. I love you, Nana.

Yada, Yada, Yada

i got my golden girls ring tone
i won my war against a corporation
seems trivial
but it is an accomplishment for me
golden girls marathon all day today
look at my baby,
that's part of why i love him
he just looks so darn cute and adorable some times!!
had a sinus headache today
fun
fun

Save Us From W

i got incredibly lazy tonight
after my honey left for work
all i did was vaccum
smoked my cigs
ate supper
drank my coke
and watched TV
i watched some shit on the Nat'l Geographic Channel
about humans living the vampire lifestyle
drinking blood
freaky
but hey
to each is own
then
i watched something i never ever ever do
the o'reilly factor (sp.?)
jesus
people get so anal about stupid stuff
all this political correctness is a pile of dung beetle's shit
its like this:
bush is a babboon's ass
he's stupid
greedy
a liar
and the list goes on
(his approval rating is currently at 36% according to Fox News)
he will ignore and neglect our country's hurricane victims
put his white house staff through Ethics Classes
play Marco Polo with Bin Laden
force Christianity down other cultures' throats
get preferred treatment in Vietnam
(though he denies it)
it is obvious that he doesn't give a damn about our country
or the people he's supposed to stand for
he thinks the same of the shit that rolls off his ass
as he does
our fallen soldiers in the East
and our slain hurricane civilians
at least Bill did it right
he at least got to fool around in the Oval Office
that's 100 Xs better at serving our country
than what's in there now
getting off that ignorant homophobic/shit eater/ daddy's boy...
Bill O'Reilly is irritating as hell
my BP went up just listening to him
people just need to revert back to the old days...
make peace & love,
not war

Flying

"Here's to the crazy ones. The misfits. The rebels. The trouble-makers. The round pegs in the square holes. The ones who see things differently. They're not fond of rules, and they have no respect for the status-quo. You can quote them, disagree with them, glorify, or vilify them. But the only thing you can't do is ignore them. Because they change things. They push the human race forward. And while some may see them as the crazy ones, we see genius. Because the people who are crazy enough to think they can change the world, are the ones who do." --Apple Computers
---------------------------------------------------------
so today has been a lazy day
gave my mutt a bath
had a lil bonfire for the things
we couldn't throw away
last night cheryl's mom & sister came over
we all sat on our back porch
smoking, drinking, and talking
it was great
it felt real
i think i value that feeling, " realness ",
now more than ever
because before
my world and all that was in it
seemed like i was watching a movie
a movie i couldn't control
where i had no say so
and now
now its all real
i'm controlling the shots
my emotions
my actions
my words
life isn't so hard as i thought it once was
you can fall into the deepest
darkest
scariest
most horrible abyss
hit rock bottom
bust your ass
bruise your ego
have your heart and soul shattered into billions of pieces
but there is a way out
by having faith
hope
and courage
you'll soon see yourself flying right out of that hole
and back into reality
your world
your life
is what you make it
now i have what i want
i have a wonderful wifey-to-be
wonderful family
wonderful in-laws-to-be
wonderful (yet psychotic) dog
wonderful and LOYAL friends
a wonderful, quaint little house in the country
and i like it that way
i have come a long ways from where i was when i was so damn self destructive
my life
my love
me
are all where its meant to be
although i've got my battle scars and old wounds
i have healed up just fine
it feels great
" to ride the wind's back... "
once again

Purple-ee Progress

today we ran our errands early this a.m.
we stopped by a dog food supply store
i got shithead some training snacks,
cow ears,
greenies,
and a zip lock bag full of a new brand of dog food for him to try
i told the guy that i didn't wanna feed harley just anything
poultry by-products, animal fat, animal digest, preservatives...
nah man,
i can't do that to my dog
so he gave us a sample of Blackwood (blackwoodpetfood.com)
supposedly makes 'em eat less, poop less, have better breath, and more natural
we'll see
anyways...
the house is just about done
we still have our 2nd guest bedroom and my computer room
to contend with
but
due to...
how shall i say...
the way too over glorified male persona
we will be getting some more furniture from the house next door
i'm gettin antsy about getting my PC room finished
man, yall outta see my closet
my shoes are lined perfectly,
my clothes are hung in order;
jackets, khakis (sp.?), shirts, skirts, jeans
my house is super clean
i clorox like every other day, if not everyday
i've turned into a clean freak
even so far as the laundry
i make the bed everyday
i dunno if its these new meds i'm on
but garsh
i'm actually motivated now!!
and
and...
AND!!
i'm on a NORMAL sleeping pattern
it exhausted me to stay up til 11 last night
and i was up at like 9:10 this a.m.
its just a big turn around for me
i am so proud of the progress i am making
i dunno if that is conceited to say that or not,
but damnit i don't care
i have finally made progress and i'm actually achieving goals i've set for myself,
my confidence is growing,
its suprising, ya know?
to know i can be like this...
a whole nother person, but still me
i'm still quirky, wonderful, flighty me.
its great, i tell ya.
the purple is just damn great.

Harley aka Napoleon & Z's

well i started working with harley yesterday
and i am impressed
the dog actually has a brain
he is taking to the ' sit ' command very well
i'm going to focus on that command for a few more days
before i begin on the ' stay ' and ' lay down ' commands
i played with hom off and on all day yesterday
and the anxiety seemed to ease off a little
i put the crate in our bedroom
i put a blanket lining it
a blanket for him to hibernate in
and a blanket on top of the crate
but the one on top allows him to see us in the bed
so its not covering the door
plus
before we went to bed last night
we paid extra special attention to him right before putting him in the crate
i thought by putting a lil treat in the crate with him
would divert his focus from whining
so we put him in the crate
got into bed
and left the light on so he could clearly see us and hear us
then we turned out the light and
PRESTO!!
he didn't whine or bark ALL NIGHT!
woohoo!!
progress of any kind is good
right now
anyways
i got the info that harley suffers from Napoleons Syndrome
because he hasn't been exposed to large dogs for any period of time
he's afraid
i can gradually expose him to them
he may grow out of it
he may not
time and patience will tell
i suppose
( thank you that person for that info )
we finished all our laundry yesterday
got the dryer fixed today
and yesterday...
I GOT TO DRIVE A Z-28 CAMARO WITH A CORVETTE ENGINE
omfg
it excited me more than it should've...
but anyways, we're not goin there
but garsh, oh garsh
that thing was SWEET
ME DRIVING A CAMARO
oh i am SO gonna have me two Z's one of these days
in our driveway,
yall will see:
Z-71, Z-28, and our Civic
LoL
SWEET!!
that's all for now
peace, love, 'n chicken butt!!

Trying To See The Purple

my dog has behavior problems
separation anxiety
and
some form of aggression towards large dogs
i am getting so stressed over this
when there are plenty of other things to stress over
he chewed up my hearing aid
when i went onto the porch to smoke
i'm sure voc rehab will love that
so
we have decided that i will have to immediately begin
obedience training ( sit, stay )
and allow one hour per day for excersize/play time
come january
if no progress is made
a visit to the vet will occur
i think the bastard needs anxiety meds
a swift kick in the ass
and obedience training
it is always something,
isn't it?
* positive vibes, good energy *
* counting my Blessings *
i have a roof over my head
food
clothes
great friends
a wonderful family
an awesome therapist
and a truly amazing partner
i have much to be thankful for
if i close my eyes
i can almost see the purple...

LUCY!! I'm home!!

wow
we have been SUPER busy
we've got mostly everything unpacked
and put in its' proper place
just a few scraggling pieces of clothing and decorative items
but they will find thier places soon enough
yesterday Cheryl and i went to flotown
we had intended on getting furniture from my Momma's
but Cheryl's Dad's truck needs a part on it first before we can go to flotown with it
so instead
we visited my Mawmaw for a lil while,
saw my mama linda and got my harley
then we went to my mom's
she loaded us up with like
no shit
AT LEAST $100 worth of food
and
and
AND
she gave us our crimmus present early
that REALLY helped us out MAJORLY
today we took care of a lot of odds and ends
it doesn't look like we accomplished much b/t yesterday and today
but my garsh
we did a helluva lot!!
i'm SOOOOOOO ecstatic to have my lil shithead HOME with ME
i have a slight concern with him now though
he has never had any problems socializing with other dogs prior
but the biggest dog he has been around is a bulldog
today harley showed some serious aggression towards a chow/retriever mix
and like a week ago,
he showed the same aggression towards a lab mix
this concerns me
i do not know what to do
or how to handle this situation
the 2 big dogs he showed aggression to are cheryl's dad's dogs
however
cheryl's mom's 2 dogs ( a pom and a maltese )
he gets along fine with
when harley is inside the gate at her mom's
he barks at the 2 big dogs when they're on the other side of the gate
but he shows no aggression then
so i am confuzzled
harley though a faggot ass p*ssy
is not normally aggressive at all
i'll just have to do some investigating and ask around
anyways
i am EXHAUSTED
oh and the other thing...
i am at war with lifetimetv.com
i ordered thier ringtone of the golden girls theme song
paid for it and all
but is it on my phone?
hell no.
i WILL win this war
at whatever cost
it feels good to have a home now
my heart and soul are at last content and happy
thank you to the Heavens above
the purple is even more pretty now that we're home

We're HOME & She's Pathetic

WELL LET ME SAY THIS...
MOVING IS EMOTIONALLY EXHAUSTING!!
we moved ON sunday
unloaded the u-haul sunday & monday (halloween)
and are now in the midst of unpacking, etc.
i had a panic attack monday when i went in to the toilet
a single bachelor rented the house before us
i know i shouldn't have had a frikkin panic attack
but i did, damnit
tuesday i went to the new psychologist
yankee born, southern heart
lexapro and xanax
cool doc
i'm getting harley for good on thursday
woohoooooooooooooo
when we returned the u-haul
there was a pictured posted of a smashed up truck towing an even more smashed car
the guy behind the counter was like
" can yall guess what the truck & car were "
truck was a ford ranger
that one was easy
but the car
which was TOTALLY smashed
except for the right front bumper and headlight
i guessed it right
ford escort
the guy said i was the first one ever to get it right
damn i'm good
LoL
anyways
i feel the need to post the following...
an explanation first...
i have a group on MSN that i mainly keep old pics,
a few posting, etc
psycho-bytch used to post on it as well
it is sad and quite pathetic...
i am sorry her dad died, but everything else in her world...
she has made it that way...
this is nothing but karma and it's repricussions...
i've not made any contact with her, nor will i
same shit
different day
me thinks
ricky called to read me her letter
i told him
" maybe she'll cut long ways and not across this time "
and i said
" you call her if you want, i've got better things to do with my life,
this is how she calls us back to her, its all a cycle, this is how it all begins, & i'm not falling for it "
i guess i have indeed moved on
i'm not cold hearted,
just indifferent
i did love her
but no matter how much i loved her
it wasn't enough to help her...
she posted a post on my MSN group, then i replied to her post,
then she sent a mass FWD to everybody in HER group
that is the order in which the items i have posted are in:
---------------------------------------


from sea's of time i climbed for the wings of one i love,
the emptiness and broken heart
has killed my very soul.
I am insane from the hurt of the name of this love.
no one will be at my side.
my heart is made of stone.
I feel nothing thanks to the true love i lost.
she killed me tink... do you know her name.
the one i reach for.
the one i wake of screaming for.
do you know what she did to me?
made me long for peace, long of something to brake,...
say her name,
Cut myself to end this pain.
what could make me feel this way.
it is not I how always lives a lie.
I dont have tears enough to cry.
and when you tell her you love her do you choke on every word
can she see you like she should.
no passion no soul
bitterness no one can control
I am the monster inside you
I am the guilt that hurts you
I am the evil with in you
isn't that what you want to believe
i am the thing that haunts you
what is her name..
the one that brought me here.
called upon me... in hear very dreams
never good enough
what is her name
what harsh things to say
none
what will i talk you out of this time
nothing
for my voice will never be heard by your ears.
hate is too much
i would have to feel for that
you know you killed feeling from me
what is her name can you say it
speak it softly to your self
my murder what is her name say it ,... whisper it to the stars you need
and when you want to reach for me
or another hurts you deep
who will you call on
when no one even knows where I am
find out
not me... you will never reach me again.
in my black and harden soul
use to be this one girl
she took all the sorrow from my lonely world
now she's dead and gone away
no not that name..
not her not the first
but another...
say her name out loud,.. can you...
what hurt me
why do i feel like im losing control
no
say her name
say what the truth is
do you even remember
what is the truth
only you and I know
but I am gone forever
one more lie you told
one more secret you hold
say her name
I know what you do
anything to prove you are on top
lies when they hold you
lies when you tell them
lies lies lies all you understand
so now i ask you
what have i lied about
when you read these words
what's a lie and what's just like you
beautiful words.
---------------------------------------------------

its funny,
no?
the way life goes on.
"Freedom is just another word for nothing left to lose,Nothing don't mean nothing honey if it ain't free, now now.And feeling good was easy, Lord, when he sang the blues,You know feeling good was good enough for me,Good enough for me and my Bobby McGee."
through the misery & the pain
existed a lost girl
once so beautifully innocent
morphed into a evil monster
it is the lioness with the thorn in her paw
lashing out at those who lend a helping hand
she learned to cope with the pain
every passing sunset
wore down the thorn
and one day
the thorn was longer there
so accustomed to the pain
the lioness knew not what to do
she wasn't imprisoned in her own self made Hell anymore
a new beginning
a new journey
covered with scars
some still oozing blood
but she starts toward the new horizon
stops to look behind
to look into the dark murky abyss
of her past
"Bye, bye...'Cause Lord knows I'm to blame.But, if I stayed here with you girl,Things just couldn't be the same.Cause I'm as free as a bird now,And this bird you'll never change.And this bird you can not change"
you are bound and determined to believe
a Dalmation cannot change its' spots
so be it
you ARE alone when you close your eyes
apologies i'll never repeat
you've always seen what you've wanted
no doubt i blew chances given to me
but what is meant to be will be
you choose to keep the flames of anger
at a toasty level
somewhere within the great depths of yourself
it is your right
as for me
i choose to not be eaten alive
by the lethal virus of anger any longer
forgiveness
understanding
compassion
truth
acceptance
and love
are hard to come by
but no longer is there a reflection of a monster
when i look into the mirror
i am the girl i am supposed to be
my flaws
my good points
my coo-coo characteristics
my juvenile laugh
i am me
not Tink
not the girl from my childhood
not the angry blood thirsty lioness
i am Sarah
i have made many mistakes
i cannot undo
nor do i want to
the past is the past
it is the bitter cold on a winter's night that reminds me to layer up my clothes
and curl up under a blankie
it is all a learning process
some lessons learned in the most hard painful way possible
you said you don't want to have to explain to another person
who i am
i agree
i have no one to explain you to
people around me know
they see the difference in me
from when i was yours
to who i am now
they do not need to know the story of us
they see the visible changes
"insanity & creativity: 2 sides, 1 coin"
our memories will always be there
once vividly colorful
now fading to black & white
i do not look back in anger or resentment
guilt or innocence
sad or happy
i do not look back
at all
i know where i have been
i know where i am
i know where to go
"...i wish you hope,
i wish you well,
within the chambers of your shell,...
but its your fault and its your right..."
her name is starlight.
she taught me to think outside the box.
she made me see the reflection in the mirror.
she took me to the bottom of the abyss.
then she gave me freedom from it.
it is not about who's on top.
not about who hurt who worse.
wrongs were done on BOTH sides.
time has moved forward and so have i.
no longer do the stars and the milkyway
guide my way.
instead
it is a force to be reckoned with,
something much stronger than you've ever been willing to freely give to anyone
that guides my way now
i have what i need
you have what you need.
i can only hope for your sake you have not found the stone garden.
someday i hope you find your way back to the roses.
good-bye my old love, my old arch nemesis,...
my old friend
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so many dreams get sent crashing to the shore, happiness stolen in a blink of an eye. my father died. I held him and listened to his last heart beat. my memories swirled in a angery sea around me. my weakness made to clear. no mother, no father. My child that grew in my womb, the son I sold my very soul to have. bled the floor red. pain burned my body when his life died in me. sorrow was all I had left. losing my baby, my family, and what was left of my mind took it's evil toll on me. it's killing my love, I hear my unborn child scream every night. the happy pills they feed me isn't working right. nothing keeps me safe at night when all i have is hurt. she left me with the thorn in my side, so many lovers left me a stray. but his death hurt the most. i want to call you, just to say. hey man i was getting married,... i lost the baby... i just need a old friend. but i have none. im not afraid to be lone. and emptiness isn't afraid of me. but so many things are too real these days. Adien,... was going to be my son's name. strong and proud, a knight, a king, but my body was too weak,... i heard him scream ,... white rooms with sorrow filled eyes of cold understanding. i knew my son had died. now empty, hurt, confused, i have nothing left to really do. move on, keep strong, head above the water. stars fade sarah, nothing is forever. rest in peace jacob,... your memories still linger. billy my dear keep on being happy im glad you found your place to be. travis a love I could never find. you are so good, so beautiful. ive been right down your street and couldn't find it in me to even say hi. forgive me i think of you as well. ricky my old best friend broken words and misplaced blame i can't ... wont turn back but i will sa this. im sorry is something given but forgiveness is time. for everyone else this letter may find. im not doing well but i will be just fine. i love i hate i feel im almost dead,... but I still can find a happy place in my head. as far as my son, he will return,... wont he? that I pray.... next time my body will let him stay.