ॐ

sleep deprivation shall not get the better of me!!
slimy bastard.

/sigh.

on the up and up,
i am excited about going home today.

our fish tank.
goddess bless it.
what is that prayer the christians say?
something to the effects of:

"God, give us grace to accept with serenity the things that cannot be changed, courage to change the things that should be changed, and the wisdom to distinguish the one from the other."

yea well, i may not be a christian,
but damn, i could sure use that montra to aide me in my aquarium woes.

ramblings, part deux.

much to the m-i-l and lovey's dismay,
kitty-kitty is here to stay.
for an avid dog lover i sure have grown quite fond of her.
yes.
i am a proud cat owner.
(its only a corner of hell that hath frozeth over.)

i am PMSing like crazy,
which has me all sentimental and crappola.
time to confess,
i have this secret addiction online...
i have a...certain...genre of blogs that i read daily.
and reading them in this time of month really isn't healthy.
its like carousing target when you only have $2 in cash,
payday is in 5 days, and you're almost outta gas.
its really isn't condusive.
yet there i am,
daily, the lesbian parenting blog addict that i am.
actually to be specific,
i am totally mesmerized by lesbians who are TTC.
the daily documentation of it all...
is so amazingly beautiful.

lovey says she doesn't want children.
part of me can understand that because of her...*ahem*
"years of wisdom".
but then there is a part of me that is drawn to it blindly.
like the sea turtles innately drawn back to the shore on which they were birthed.
the moon guides them.
i'm sure they don't know nor understand why they return to the same shores,
they just go where their bodies lead them.
and my body tells me that one day i''ll be a mommy.
i hope like crazy that lovey will choose to partake in that,
because truthfully,
i think that we would make an amazing little family.
there is nothing more in this entire world that she could do to make me more happy than making a family with me.

she's so cute when she gets frustrated with harley & jackson
(and yes, i realize that dogs are vastly different than children,
but romantasize with me and go with the flow).
us in our quiet, quaint little country home,
dogs, and (now) a kitty-kitty,...
i can't think of anything to better complete my life or my life with lovey.

now don't misconstrue what i am saying,
i dont wish to run out there to look for a baby daddy so lovey and i can be mommies by next year, no.
first comes school,
maturity,
then so forth.
i've often heard that if you wait until you're financially ready for a baby,
then it'll never happen.
i just hope against all hopes that lovey will choose to remain by my side for this when the time is right.

anyways,...
for now we have a fish tank that we (hopefully) have found the CORRECT solution to fixing.
i swear, that thing has me feelin dumber than f. gump himself.

i'm super excited about the remaining part of this week.
we get to see mason,
and we are going home to florence!!
i'm SO excited about that.
i miss my family something fierce.
i know lovey gets all flustered with all the chaos,
but i love it.
i know i'm home when i hear the boys yelling and carrying on.
(albeit that damn dog can go to hell.)
we're gonna get to see my friends, and family.
woohoo!!

i'm sleepy, so i'm going to bed.
peace out, whores.

ramblings.

i am so tired today.
i don't know why,
because my fat ass sat around all day until it was time for me to go meet my teacher at school.

/sigh.

we are going home this weekend.
yay!!
i can't wait.
i'm missing my family.
while we're there,
we're gonna get to see some of my friends.
i LOVE my friends,
they ROCK!!

honey made a horrid egg salad today without forwarning me.
that was just WRONG.
i opened the fridge and thought i was gonna barf right there.
that shit smells god awful.
i'd rather smell a pig's fart.
yuck.

i cant wait to get my hair did.
cut & color this time.
woohoo!!

anyways i cant think of anything else to say,
so i'm out like a queen at a Bette Midler concert.

to my bella.

more than you'll ever know.


I know living with me ain't always easy
I dam up emotions some men just let flow
But girl when you're not by my side I feel a part of me has died
'Cause I love you more than you'll ever know

More than life more than I've ever loved before
It's absurd and beyond words
I couldn't want you more
And when I try to pour my hear out to you
I'm not sure it shows
That I love you more than you'll ever know

I'm sure you've heard it said hearts have windows
But mine has doors a painful past has closed
Unless someday they open wide revealing feelings locked inside
I'll love you more than you'll ever know

More than life more than I've ever loved before
It's absurd and beyond words
I couldn't want you more
And when I try to pour my hear out to you
I'm not sure it shows
That I love you more than you'll ever know

Even when I pour my heart out to you
I'm not sure it shows
That I love you more than you'll ever know
Yes I love you more than you'll ever know

state of grace.

ah, what can i say?
i did a lil gardening,
a lil shopping,
a lotta procrastinating,...
and i feel better.
about damn time.
one weenie's losin his balls,
while the other (hopefully) is losing the shit breath.
all on the same day.
goddess help me,
i'm not gonna know what to think or what to do
with a weenie free house.
gah.
tonight i had to do the strangest thing.
i've come to realize that my dad's mom won't write the letter
to the coroner requesting the toxicology report.
so i did it.
it felt SO ODD to write the following:

"My name is Sarah F. Anderson, and I am the eldest biological daughter of Richard R. Anderson. My father was killed, alongside his wife (Terry Anderson), on December 26th, 2007.
I am requesting a copy of my father’s toxicology report, as I am curious as to what his blood alcohol level was at his TOD."

odd as shit.
just looking at the words typed on my computer screen,
then thinking about the action itself...
i'm writing to the coroner for my genetic donor's toxicology report.

i think part of me has concluded
that i am glad i wasn't close to him,
because i'd really be losin my sanity right now if i was.

after a self imposed week long break from all that hate filled chaos,
i called to check in on her.
i think she thrives on the pain.
maybe its because that's the only thing she can feel.
people can get addicted to pain.
i don't know.
theories abound,
no concrete evidence to prove otherwise.

right now, i am okay.
i am surrounded by my loved ones, friends, and family.
living in my own state of grace.

googlie bear.

so i'm getting a lil better.
i dropped my Bio 101.
i didn't want to do that,
but in that particular class,
memorization is a pivotal point of succeeding that class.
especially with the grade that i strive for.
and with all this SHIT going on inside my head,
it just is not possible right now for me to devote the necessary time to the class.
my doctor complied with my wishes about elevating my medication's dosage.
my side effect is a toned down version of tourette's jerking/spasms/ticks.
i can feel it so it feels very obvious to me,
but another person can't really see it...
so atleast i don't look too Corky-ish.
i am in the process of finding a suitable, sane therapist for my much needed counseling sessions.
patience.
you know, i am coming to realize that relationships are an amazing thing.
obviously it can apply to romantic (relationships),
it can apply to familial and friendship relationships.
i am so unbelievably grateful and appreciative of my wife.
she has soothed my soul during this hard time
in ways i cannot even begin to describe.
i know without a doubt, unequivocally that i am loved by that lady.
my love and appreciation for her runs so deep into me that it flows through my soul.
my friends,...
friends who have been there from the start of it all...
it is those friends who i hold most dear.
it is those friends who have willingly and selflessly provided warmth and compassion to me during this time.
true friends are hard to come by in the god forsaken world in which we habitate.
i am blessed to be able to say that i have quite a few of those,
and not only that,
but i have friends who've been there for years and years on end.
people who love you don't restrict you or push you down.
they accept you for who and what you are and only want the best for you in life.
i have all of that.
i don't know what i did in my past life to have deserved this,
but it must've been great.
thank you to whomever is up there.
thank you for my life,
for my love,
my family,
my friends,
...and begrudgingly,...
my dogs.

progress.

doing better.

yay!!

looking forward to this weekend.

friends know how to make ya heart smile.

air.

god bless reba.

thank goddess.
i FEEL it.
good emotion.
i was scared i wouldn't be able to find it soon.
let the healing begin.
i can feel it inside out.

"love revival,"
"beautiful disaster,"
and "how blue."

wonder years.

remember back in the wonder years,
in our childhood,
the tilt-a-whirl rides at the fair?
that's what it feels like.
the world is spinning just a lil bit too fast for me,
and has me somewhat disoriented.
i just want it to slow down,
just to get my balance.
the realization is that it won't.
yada yada yada "the world aint gonna stop for my broken heart."
this is change,
and change is never ending.
from beneath the murky waters,
i can see the hands reaching in to pull me up.
pulling me up for a breath of air,
for life.
i don't understand this darkness.
i don't like it and wish for it to vanish.

i am dazed and confused.
humans sustain life by performing behavior patterns.
in a sense, it can be deduced that to have a pattern is to have life.
even down to an atom,
a strand of mitochondrial dna...
its all patterns.
and as ocd as i am when it comes to patterns,
i cannot find that pattern of stable footing.

so many thoughts...
am i being too hard on myself?
am i using this as a crutch?
am i too happy about this?
am i too disapointed?
is my anger correctly placed?

in a way, i feel alone, but in a way i don't.
no side of either family gets my position.
one submerged in denial and the other in resentment (and rightly so in the latter).
my honey has not left my side,
holding my hand,
and lending an ear.


joe cocker springs up in my ear,
and i think its the perfect way to end this blog.


With A Little Help From My Friends
(Lennon/McCartney)

WHAT WOULD YOU DO IF I SANG OUT OF TUNE
WOULD YOU STAND UP AND WALK OUT ON ME
LEND ME YOUR EARS AND I'LL SING YOU A SONG
I WILL TRY NOT TO SING OUT OF KEY

I GET BY WITH A LITTLE HELP FROM MY FRIENDS
I JUST KEEP TRYING WITH A LITTLE HELP FROM MY FRIENDS
I WANT TO GET HIGH WITH MY FRIENDS
I JUST HOLD ON WITH MY FRIENDS

WHAT DO I DO WHEN MY LOVE IS AWAY
(DOES IT WORRY YOU TO BE ALL ALONE)
HOW DO I FEEL BY THE END OF THE DAY
(ARE YOU SAD BECAUSE YOUR ON YOUR OWN)


CHORUS

(DO YOU NEED ANY BODY)
I NEED SOME BODY TO LOVE
(DO YOU NEED ANY BODY)
ALL I NEED IS SOMEONE TO LOVE


CHORUS

(WOULD YOU BELEIVE IN A LOVE AT FIRST SIGHT)
I'M CERTAIN IT HAPPENS ALL THE TIME
(WHAT DO YOU SEE WHEN YOU TURN OFF THE LIGHTS)
I DON'T SEE MUCH

CHORUS

(DO YOU NEED ANYBODY)
I NEED SOMEBODY TO LOVE)
ALL I NEED IS SOMEBODY TO LOVE

CHORUS

composing grace.

its like a parasite, really.
it keeps sucking and sucking until there's nothing left.
i wish it'd just go ahead and damnit just die.
die like him.
i hate that i am in mourning for a monster.
i fucking hate that.
i even hate mourning that two bit trash he called his wife.
i feel like harry in that one scene where lord voldemort sucks the soul out of harry with his wand,
the scene where that white light comes up and out of harry.
it kinda feels like that.
but in slow motion.

i keep referring back to my tat on my back.
"strength."
i previously thought i embodied that notion.
but this...
this situation has brought me to my knees on the inside.
if i was still a kid,
this would be when i merely wiped the dirt off my knees and ass and got up to carry on with the damn thing.
but here there is no dirt.
i wish the memories were dirt,
so that they could blow away like a desert sand storm.
blown away into oblivion to never be recalled upon.

i know in my heart going to the funeral was the right thing to do.
i was supposed to have done that.
i told myself i was rising above the past,
that this was right.
my presense was right.
but i also know in my heart,
that had the roles been reversed,
he wouldn't have shown his face at mine.
that pride.
it can do funny things to a man.

i can't say that i now feel like an orphan,
because i have steve.
but the one man that i pined for,
i pined for his love,
his affection,...
he is gone.
what a coward that mighty lion was when he tried to drive home that night.
but it will be somewhere in this day,
here,
now,
somewhere here where i will find that strength.
no man behind a curtain will tempt me with false closure,
for there is no "see-all" and "be-all" in this universe.
but in this place i call home,
i will garner my weakened strength on my own,
somewhere in this state of grace.

"its the weak made strong,
its finding what you're missing,
was right there all along,
its an open road,
to a better place,
its a life worth living,
in the state of grace."

weenies.

i highly suspect that weenie dog numero deux
has committed a highly foul offense,
because his recent cuddly behavior strikes me odd.
his fierce independence has always kept him preoccupied
from providing kissy kissies to mommy number one.

but i shamefully regret to inform you
that our suspisions of chiweenie-butt hiding in the closet were true.
now understand, that as his puppy mommy,
my unconditional love for him does not end at his coming out.
it ends at his incestuous desires to make mad weenie love to his brother.
he will be undergoing a psych eval and treatment from the finest facility SC has to offer.
the family is requesting privacy in this dark and highly personal tragedy.

lunacy.

i have diagnosed myself with a stomach ulcer.
WebMD works wonders for hypercondriacs.
though i shamefully admit to being one,
this...this one is real.
spasms.
crippling spasms.
that reminds me,
i need to go buy that hypercondriac book for a certain aunt of mine.

so jack ass is being cuddly.
he is not a cuddly dog.
harley is a cuddly dog.
his fetch games and kisses are tempting me to say
perhaps he has the "mama's boy" trait in him after all.

i have a grandmother who is not fairing well,
and an adopted grandfather who is not either.
i also have a Mawmaw who's
"side is still buldging,
but its okay as long as you can still bitch about it."
(per her dearly departed sister.)
ah, the southern lady.
there's nothing quite like that unique poignant grace.

trying.

i don't know why,
but i am slipping.
the ground's not so stable under my feet.
i don't want to be depressed about him.
he doesn't deserve it.
nowhere to go but forward.

don't be hatin.

i have the best, most cuddly,
snoodle bug, snoodley butt,
foofy foo, tator tot, pookie,
darlin, honey, sugah pie,
honey pot, googley goo,
and googley bear EVER.

EVER.