Save Us From W

i got incredibly lazy tonight
after my honey left for work
all i did was vaccum
smoked my cigs
ate supper
drank my coke
and watched TV
i watched some shit on the Nat'l Geographic Channel
about humans living the vampire lifestyle
drinking blood
freaky
but hey
to each is own
then
i watched something i never ever ever do
the o'reilly factor (sp.?)
jesus
people get so anal about stupid stuff
all this political correctness is a pile of dung beetle's shit
its like this:
bush is a babboon's ass
he's stupid
greedy
a liar
and the list goes on
(his approval rating is currently at 36% according to Fox News)
he will ignore and neglect our country's hurricane victims
put his white house staff through Ethics Classes
play Marco Polo with Bin Laden
force Christianity down other cultures' throats
get preferred treatment in Vietnam
(though he denies it)
it is obvious that he doesn't give a damn about our country
or the people he's supposed to stand for
he thinks the same of the shit that rolls off his ass
as he does
our fallen soldiers in the East
and our slain hurricane civilians
at least Bill did it right
he at least got to fool around in the Oval Office
that's 100 Xs better at serving our country
than what's in there now
getting off that ignorant homophobic/shit eater/ daddy's boy...
Bill O'Reilly is irritating as hell
my BP went up just listening to him
people just need to revert back to the old days...
make peace & love,
not war

Flying

"Here's to the crazy ones. The misfits. The rebels. The trouble-makers. The round pegs in the square holes. The ones who see things differently. They're not fond of rules, and they have no respect for the status-quo. You can quote them, disagree with them, glorify, or vilify them. But the only thing you can't do is ignore them. Because they change things. They push the human race forward. And while some may see them as the crazy ones, we see genius. Because the people who are crazy enough to think they can change the world, are the ones who do." --Apple Computers
---------------------------------------------------------
so today has been a lazy day
gave my mutt a bath
had a lil bonfire for the things
we couldn't throw away
last night cheryl's mom & sister came over
we all sat on our back porch
smoking, drinking, and talking
it was great
it felt real
i think i value that feeling, " realness ",
now more than ever
because before
my world and all that was in it
seemed like i was watching a movie
a movie i couldn't control
where i had no say so
and now
now its all real
i'm controlling the shots
my emotions
my actions
my words
life isn't so hard as i thought it once was
you can fall into the deepest
darkest
scariest
most horrible abyss
hit rock bottom
bust your ass
bruise your ego
have your heart and soul shattered into billions of pieces
but there is a way out
by having faith
hope
and courage
you'll soon see yourself flying right out of that hole
and back into reality
your world
your life
is what you make it
now i have what i want
i have a wonderful wifey-to-be
wonderful family
wonderful in-laws-to-be
wonderful (yet psychotic) dog
wonderful and LOYAL friends
a wonderful, quaint little house in the country
and i like it that way
i have come a long ways from where i was when i was so damn self destructive
my life
my love
me
are all where its meant to be
although i've got my battle scars and old wounds
i have healed up just fine
it feels great
" to ride the wind's back... "
once again

Purple-ee Progress

today we ran our errands early this a.m.
we stopped by a dog food supply store
i got shithead some training snacks,
cow ears,
greenies,
and a zip lock bag full of a new brand of dog food for him to try
i told the guy that i didn't wanna feed harley just anything
poultry by-products, animal fat, animal digest, preservatives...
nah man,
i can't do that to my dog
so he gave us a sample of Blackwood (blackwoodpetfood.com)
supposedly makes 'em eat less, poop less, have better breath, and more natural
we'll see
anyways...
the house is just about done
we still have our 2nd guest bedroom and my computer room
to contend with
but
due to...
how shall i say...
the way too over glorified male persona
we will be getting some more furniture from the house next door
i'm gettin antsy about getting my PC room finished
man, yall outta see my closet
my shoes are lined perfectly,
my clothes are hung in order;
jackets, khakis (sp.?), shirts, skirts, jeans
my house is super clean
i clorox like every other day, if not everyday
i've turned into a clean freak
even so far as the laundry
i make the bed everyday
i dunno if its these new meds i'm on
but garsh
i'm actually motivated now!!
and
and...
AND!!
i'm on a NORMAL sleeping pattern
it exhausted me to stay up til 11 last night
and i was up at like 9:10 this a.m.
its just a big turn around for me
i am so proud of the progress i am making
i dunno if that is conceited to say that or not,
but damnit i don't care
i have finally made progress and i'm actually achieving goals i've set for myself,
my confidence is growing,
its suprising, ya know?
to know i can be like this...
a whole nother person, but still me
i'm still quirky, wonderful, flighty me.
its great, i tell ya.
the purple is just damn great.

Harley aka Napoleon & Z's

well i started working with harley yesterday
and i am impressed
the dog actually has a brain
he is taking to the ' sit ' command very well
i'm going to focus on that command for a few more days
before i begin on the ' stay ' and ' lay down ' commands
i played with hom off and on all day yesterday
and the anxiety seemed to ease off a little
i put the crate in our bedroom
i put a blanket lining it
a blanket for him to hibernate in
and a blanket on top of the crate
but the one on top allows him to see us in the bed
so its not covering the door
plus
before we went to bed last night
we paid extra special attention to him right before putting him in the crate
i thought by putting a lil treat in the crate with him
would divert his focus from whining
so we put him in the crate
got into bed
and left the light on so he could clearly see us and hear us
then we turned out the light and
PRESTO!!
he didn't whine or bark ALL NIGHT!
woohoo!!
progress of any kind is good
right now
anyways
i got the info that harley suffers from Napoleons Syndrome
because he hasn't been exposed to large dogs for any period of time
he's afraid
i can gradually expose him to them
he may grow out of it
he may not
time and patience will tell
i suppose
( thank you that person for that info )
we finished all our laundry yesterday
got the dryer fixed today
and yesterday...
I GOT TO DRIVE A Z-28 CAMARO WITH A CORVETTE ENGINE
omfg
it excited me more than it should've...
but anyways, we're not goin there
but garsh, oh garsh
that thing was SWEET
ME DRIVING A CAMARO
oh i am SO gonna have me two Z's one of these days
in our driveway,
yall will see:
Z-71, Z-28, and our Civic
LoL
SWEET!!
that's all for now
peace, love, 'n chicken butt!!

Trying To See The Purple

my dog has behavior problems
separation anxiety
and
some form of aggression towards large dogs
i am getting so stressed over this
when there are plenty of other things to stress over
he chewed up my hearing aid
when i went onto the porch to smoke
i'm sure voc rehab will love that
so
we have decided that i will have to immediately begin
obedience training ( sit, stay )
and allow one hour per day for excersize/play time
come january
if no progress is made
a visit to the vet will occur
i think the bastard needs anxiety meds
a swift kick in the ass
and obedience training
it is always something,
isn't it?
* positive vibes, good energy *
* counting my Blessings *
i have a roof over my head
food
clothes
great friends
a wonderful family
an awesome therapist
and a truly amazing partner
i have much to be thankful for
if i close my eyes
i can almost see the purple...

LUCY!! I'm home!!

wow
we have been SUPER busy
we've got mostly everything unpacked
and put in its' proper place
just a few scraggling pieces of clothing and decorative items
but they will find thier places soon enough
yesterday Cheryl and i went to flotown
we had intended on getting furniture from my Momma's
but Cheryl's Dad's truck needs a part on it first before we can go to flotown with it
so instead
we visited my Mawmaw for a lil while,
saw my mama linda and got my harley
then we went to my mom's
she loaded us up with like
no shit
AT LEAST $100 worth of food
and
and
AND
she gave us our crimmus present early
that REALLY helped us out MAJORLY
today we took care of a lot of odds and ends
it doesn't look like we accomplished much b/t yesterday and today
but my garsh
we did a helluva lot!!
i'm SOOOOOOO ecstatic to have my lil shithead HOME with ME
i have a slight concern with him now though
he has never had any problems socializing with other dogs prior
but the biggest dog he has been around is a bulldog
today harley showed some serious aggression towards a chow/retriever mix
and like a week ago,
he showed the same aggression towards a lab mix
this concerns me
i do not know what to do
or how to handle this situation
the 2 big dogs he showed aggression to are cheryl's dad's dogs
however
cheryl's mom's 2 dogs ( a pom and a maltese )
he gets along fine with
when harley is inside the gate at her mom's
he barks at the 2 big dogs when they're on the other side of the gate
but he shows no aggression then
so i am confuzzled
harley though a faggot ass p*ssy
is not normally aggressive at all
i'll just have to do some investigating and ask around
anyways
i am EXHAUSTED
oh and the other thing...
i am at war with lifetimetv.com
i ordered thier ringtone of the golden girls theme song
paid for it and all
but is it on my phone?
hell no.
i WILL win this war
at whatever cost
it feels good to have a home now
my heart and soul are at last content and happy
thank you to the Heavens above
the purple is even more pretty now that we're home

We're HOME & She's Pathetic

WELL LET ME SAY THIS...
MOVING IS EMOTIONALLY EXHAUSTING!!
we moved ON sunday
unloaded the u-haul sunday & monday (halloween)
and are now in the midst of unpacking, etc.
i had a panic attack monday when i went in to the toilet
a single bachelor rented the house before us
i know i shouldn't have had a frikkin panic attack
but i did, damnit
tuesday i went to the new psychologist
yankee born, southern heart
lexapro and xanax
cool doc
i'm getting harley for good on thursday
woohoooooooooooooo
when we returned the u-haul
there was a pictured posted of a smashed up truck towing an even more smashed car
the guy behind the counter was like
" can yall guess what the truck & car were "
truck was a ford ranger
that one was easy
but the car
which was TOTALLY smashed
except for the right front bumper and headlight
i guessed it right
ford escort
the guy said i was the first one ever to get it right
damn i'm good
LoL
anyways
i feel the need to post the following...
an explanation first...
i have a group on MSN that i mainly keep old pics,
a few posting, etc
psycho-bytch used to post on it as well
it is sad and quite pathetic...
i am sorry her dad died, but everything else in her world...
she has made it that way...
this is nothing but karma and it's repricussions...
i've not made any contact with her, nor will i
same shit
different day
me thinks
ricky called to read me her letter
i told him
" maybe she'll cut long ways and not across this time "
and i said
" you call her if you want, i've got better things to do with my life,
this is how she calls us back to her, its all a cycle, this is how it all begins, & i'm not falling for it "
i guess i have indeed moved on
i'm not cold hearted,
just indifferent
i did love her
but no matter how much i loved her
it wasn't enough to help her...
she posted a post on my MSN group, then i replied to her post,
then she sent a mass FWD to everybody in HER group
that is the order in which the items i have posted are in:
---------------------------------------


from sea's of time i climbed for the wings of one i love,
the emptiness and broken heart
has killed my very soul.
I am insane from the hurt of the name of this love.
no one will be at my side.
my heart is made of stone.
I feel nothing thanks to the true love i lost.
she killed me tink... do you know her name.
the one i reach for.
the one i wake of screaming for.
do you know what she did to me?
made me long for peace, long of something to brake,...
say her name,
Cut myself to end this pain.
what could make me feel this way.
it is not I how always lives a lie.
I dont have tears enough to cry.
and when you tell her you love her do you choke on every word
can she see you like she should.
no passion no soul
bitterness no one can control
I am the monster inside you
I am the guilt that hurts you
I am the evil with in you
isn't that what you want to believe
i am the thing that haunts you
what is her name..
the one that brought me here.
called upon me... in hear very dreams
never good enough
what is her name
what harsh things to say
none
what will i talk you out of this time
nothing
for my voice will never be heard by your ears.
hate is too much
i would have to feel for that
you know you killed feeling from me
what is her name can you say it
speak it softly to your self
my murder what is her name say it ,... whisper it to the stars you need
and when you want to reach for me
or another hurts you deep
who will you call on
when no one even knows where I am
find out
not me... you will never reach me again.
in my black and harden soul
use to be this one girl
she took all the sorrow from my lonely world
now she's dead and gone away
no not that name..
not her not the first
but another...
say her name out loud,.. can you...
what hurt me
why do i feel like im losing control
no
say her name
say what the truth is
do you even remember
what is the truth
only you and I know
but I am gone forever
one more lie you told
one more secret you hold
say her name
I know what you do
anything to prove you are on top
lies when they hold you
lies when you tell them
lies lies lies all you understand
so now i ask you
what have i lied about
when you read these words
what's a lie and what's just like you
beautiful words.
---------------------------------------------------

its funny,
no?
the way life goes on.
"Freedom is just another word for nothing left to lose,Nothing don't mean nothing honey if it ain't free, now now.And feeling good was easy, Lord, when he sang the blues,You know feeling good was good enough for me,Good enough for me and my Bobby McGee."
through the misery & the pain
existed a lost girl
once so beautifully innocent
morphed into a evil monster
it is the lioness with the thorn in her paw
lashing out at those who lend a helping hand
she learned to cope with the pain
every passing sunset
wore down the thorn
and one day
the thorn was longer there
so accustomed to the pain
the lioness knew not what to do
she wasn't imprisoned in her own self made Hell anymore
a new beginning
a new journey
covered with scars
some still oozing blood
but she starts toward the new horizon
stops to look behind
to look into the dark murky abyss
of her past
"Bye, bye...'Cause Lord knows I'm to blame.But, if I stayed here with you girl,Things just couldn't be the same.Cause I'm as free as a bird now,And this bird you'll never change.And this bird you can not change"
you are bound and determined to believe
a Dalmation cannot change its' spots
so be it
you ARE alone when you close your eyes
apologies i'll never repeat
you've always seen what you've wanted
no doubt i blew chances given to me
but what is meant to be will be
you choose to keep the flames of anger
at a toasty level
somewhere within the great depths of yourself
it is your right
as for me
i choose to not be eaten alive
by the lethal virus of anger any longer
forgiveness
understanding
compassion
truth
acceptance
and love
are hard to come by
but no longer is there a reflection of a monster
when i look into the mirror
i am the girl i am supposed to be
my flaws
my good points
my coo-coo characteristics
my juvenile laugh
i am me
not Tink
not the girl from my childhood
not the angry blood thirsty lioness
i am Sarah
i have made many mistakes
i cannot undo
nor do i want to
the past is the past
it is the bitter cold on a winter's night that reminds me to layer up my clothes
and curl up under a blankie
it is all a learning process
some lessons learned in the most hard painful way possible
you said you don't want to have to explain to another person
who i am
i agree
i have no one to explain you to
people around me know
they see the difference in me
from when i was yours
to who i am now
they do not need to know the story of us
they see the visible changes
"insanity & creativity: 2 sides, 1 coin"
our memories will always be there
once vividly colorful
now fading to black & white
i do not look back in anger or resentment
guilt or innocence
sad or happy
i do not look back
at all
i know where i have been
i know where i am
i know where to go
"...i wish you hope,
i wish you well,
within the chambers of your shell,...
but its your fault and its your right..."
her name is starlight.
she taught me to think outside the box.
she made me see the reflection in the mirror.
she took me to the bottom of the abyss.
then she gave me freedom from it.
it is not about who's on top.
not about who hurt who worse.
wrongs were done on BOTH sides.
time has moved forward and so have i.
no longer do the stars and the milkyway
guide my way.
instead
it is a force to be reckoned with,
something much stronger than you've ever been willing to freely give to anyone
that guides my way now
i have what i need
you have what you need.
i can only hope for your sake you have not found the stone garden.
someday i hope you find your way back to the roses.
good-bye my old love, my old arch nemesis,...
my old friend
--------------------------------------
so many dreams get sent crashing to the shore, happiness stolen in a blink of an eye. my father died. I held him and listened to his last heart beat. my memories swirled in a angery sea around me. my weakness made to clear. no mother, no father. My child that grew in my womb, the son I sold my very soul to have. bled the floor red. pain burned my body when his life died in me. sorrow was all I had left. losing my baby, my family, and what was left of my mind took it's evil toll on me. it's killing my love, I hear my unborn child scream every night. the happy pills they feed me isn't working right. nothing keeps me safe at night when all i have is hurt. she left me with the thorn in my side, so many lovers left me a stray. but his death hurt the most. i want to call you, just to say. hey man i was getting married,... i lost the baby... i just need a old friend. but i have none. im not afraid to be lone. and emptiness isn't afraid of me. but so many things are too real these days. Adien,... was going to be my son's name. strong and proud, a knight, a king, but my body was too weak,... i heard him scream ,... white rooms with sorrow filled eyes of cold understanding. i knew my son had died. now empty, hurt, confused, i have nothing left to really do. move on, keep strong, head above the water. stars fade sarah, nothing is forever. rest in peace jacob,... your memories still linger. billy my dear keep on being happy im glad you found your place to be. travis a love I could never find. you are so good, so beautiful. ive been right down your street and couldn't find it in me to even say hi. forgive me i think of you as well. ricky my old best friend broken words and misplaced blame i can't ... wont turn back but i will sa this. im sorry is something given but forgiveness is time. for everyone else this letter may find. im not doing well but i will be just fine. i love i hate i feel im almost dead,... but I still can find a happy place in my head. as far as my son, he will return,... wont he? that I pray.... next time my body will let him stay.

Happy 7th Month Anniversary, Bella

And when somebody knows you well
Well there's no comfort like that
And when somebody needs you
Well there's no drug Iike that...
And where l'm home, curled in your arms
And I'm safe again
I'll close my eyes and sleep, sleep
To the sound of London Rain
So keep me, keep me
In your bed all day, all day
Nothing heals me like you do
Keep me keep me
In your bed all day, all day
Nothing heals me like you do
Nothing heals me like you do
--------------------------------
Joey (Katie Holmes): And now that this scared little girl no longer follows me wherever I go, I miss her. I do. 'Cause there are things I wanna tell her... to relax, to lighten up, that it is all going to be ok. I want her to know that meeting people who like you, who understand you, who actually accept you for who you are, will become an increasingly rare occurrence. Jen, Jack, Audrey, Andie, Pacey, and Dawson. These people who contributed to who I am, they are with me wherever I go, and as history gets rewritten in small ways with each passing day, my love for them only grows. Because the truth is... it was the best of times. Mistakes were made, hearts were broken, harsh lessons learned, but all of that has receded into fond memory now. How does it happen? Why are we so quick to forget the bad and romanticize the good? Maybe it's because we need to believe that the time we spent together actually meant something, that we were there for each other in a time in our lives that defined us all, a time in our lives that we will never forget. I can't swear this is exactly how it happened. But this is how it felt.
-------------------------------------
Joey (Katie Holmes): We're growing up, that's all. I mean even Spielberg outgrew his Peter Pan syndrome.
-------------------------------------
Joey (Katie Holmes): I don't know. I guess I feel different. Like... I've always had this tendency to assume that change, when it happens, can only be for the worse. You know? And lately, I kinda feel like that's not true... like whatever's waiting for me out there... may not be that bad. And even if it is... then not knowing about it... might actually be the good part.
--------------------------------------
Dawson: This is in your hands; you can control this.
Pacey: This is the wrong time for an Obi-Wan moment, Dawson.
--------------------------------------
This next quote makes me think of my Nana:
Peter Llewelyn Davies: It's just, I thought she'd always be here.
J.M. Barrie: So did I. But in fact, she is, because she's on every page of your imagination. You'll always have her there. Always.
Peter Llewelyn Davies: But why did she have to die?
J.M. Barrie: I don't know, boy. When I think of your mother, I will always remember how happy she looked sitting there in the parlor watching a play about her family, about her boys that never grew up. She went to Neverland and you can visit her any time you like if you just go there yourself.
Peter Llewelyn Davies: How?
J.M. Barrie: By believing, Peter. Just believe.
---------------------------------------------
Sam: I love you Molly. I always have.
Molly: Ditto.
---------------------------------------------
Happy Anniversary, mon femme Bella.

The Last Piece of the Puzzle...

so wisabus is on her way
more packing we'll do
she's treating me tonight
to a ghost tour of Charleston
it sukks cheryl can't go
she'll be at work
it'll feel weird without my other half attached at my hip
i know she'd enjoy it just as much as i will
i crunched numbers last night for our bills
we will be okay
the stress is taking its toll on both of us
but the lines of communication are open
so i know we will be okay
last night
leeds called with the knews that her new Pom, To-to
had 2 babies
omygarsh
thas so exciting
my mama linda called
and asked if we would be getting harley before or after her trip
i told her i'd confer with my wife and let her know
my wifey immediately agreed with me
we'll be getting him before her trip
if i knew harley would behave while we unpacked
i wouldn't take him back at all
but
* sigh *
it wouldn't be fair to him
to be so bored
i've decided on what i'll be getting cheryl for crimmus
she's gonna flip when she sees it
she'll absolutely love it
we've got the date set for our house warming party/cook out
my whole family has been invited
i cannot wait
i've ALWAYS dreamt of having a WONDERFUL partner,
my dog,
a house
and having a house warming party/cook out
and inviting my family and closest friends
its amazing isn't it?
cheryl just keeps on making all my dreams come true
we'll have our house
our own dish washer,
washing machine,
dryer,
and Harley
LoL
its the little things that make me the happiest
i'mma be such a good lil house wifey
i'mma do everything i can to spoil my Bella
and make her happy
she deserves it
she makes me happier than i EVER dreamt POSSIBLE
she balances me out like no other
i guess she truly is the yin to my yang
i sit here and think of what she means to me,
i think of the difference she's made in my life,
the freedom she's given me,
the understanding,
the compassion,
the love,...
i thought i'd been in love before
i thought i knew what love and committment were
i thought i understood relationships...
boy was i wrong
i know what love is now
i know what compromise is all about
and everytime before
when i thought i was in love
and everytime before
when i thought i loved somebody
perhaps to some degree i did know
but now
now i know
i know why people write love stories
i know the stuff fairytales are made of
i used to think that the " high " you got from the feeling of being in love
i thought THAT was the magic in fairytales
nope
the magic in the fairytales is love
that unconditional love
the love without boundries
the love that crosses borders
that unites opposites
that unites families
friends
soulmates
i was pretty sure that i had found my soulmate when i was in my childhood
the person who thought they knew me better than i did
they could finish my sentence
order for me in any restaurant and get my order 100% correct
knew why i had my flaws
but that isn't what a soulmate is
no
my soulmate is the person that loves me
BECAUSE of my flaws
because of my quirks
my good points
they balance me out
i'm not whole without them
they just make my life make sense
to borrow a quote from Pacey
" Pacey: I'm just saying thank you. You reminded me of what I'm capable of feeling. It's like I was... walking around seeing my life through a smudged window, and then I saw you and the smudges were gone. The window was clean. "
i truly am the luckiest girl in the whole world
i now get choked up & tears well up
when i think of what Cheryl means to me
everything is falling into place
the puzzle is complete
my life
my world
myself
my friends and family
my love
its complete
no more questions
no more dark lost nights alone
this, ladies and butches,
is what life's all about

Strong Enough

round and round it goes
the stress choking me
but i shall not let her see
i visualize the stress going round and round
going down the drain
down with the mess
fall away from me
fall away from my life
from our life
no doubt the next two months will test our strength
as individuals we'd sukk
and as a couple we kick ass
i have faith in that
if nothing else
she's not wandering aimlessly in the dark anymore
she's not alone in this adversity
in one hand
i have the light of hope and faith
with my other hand
i reach for her in the darkness
to let her know i am there
and she is not lost
it seems weird that i am not falling apart at the seams
that i am not buckling under the stress
i am standing strong
stronger than i ever was
staring into the bitter face of change
i see hope
i see our path
the darkness shall not entrance me
the disguise will not fool me into chaotic weak submission
i keep saying that this is what we both wanted anyways
to go home
its almost as if we've laughed in the face of the devil
and his co-conspirator, evil, is daring us to doubt
so we'll fold and take the easy way out
i have faced a bigger evil in my time
if my father couldn't bring me down
a little strife and adversity damn sure won't either
perhaps the mask i am wearing
it is the color of strength
she sees when she looks into my eyes
i'm thinking maybe its not a mask
maybe
just maybe
i am strong
i am strong enough for her
for us
for me
she and i are Blessed to have found each other
i am thoroughly and genuinely ecstatic that i have found me
i was scared of what was beneath my rough exterior
so many negative, nasty, raw emotions
all bubbling with nowhere to blow
now, i am in control
it is MY life
i control the anger,
the love,
the happiness,
the authenticity...
i control my breathing...
in and out it goes
the purple goes into my soul
and comes out
in and out...

Rambling

this is an old picture...What was i so shy about? Hmmm...I'mma TRUE Grandma's GiRL!!














okay this is me rambling...
i was looking through my saved mail
deleting old and unecessary crapola
and came across a few things i thought i'd share
whether they were funny or just sweet or whatever
-------------------------
this is an OLD convo i saved with Tray
he was down in the dumps
so i tried to cheer him up
he is a man of few words
so what words he does say
you tend to listen...
DCF825: I Love You Babe
DCF825: I mean that
-------------------------
i found this old quote psycho-bitch wrote
i asked her to write a damning quote about a girl
who broke my heart
it seems ironic the quote she wrote
it fits her so well
blackwidowcandystripe (1/24/05 6:31:51 PM): I find myself remembering you how we use to be, alone in the dark I try to hide these tears for you that i have cried. I am strong enough to say what's on my mind. your tears will stain your face. those you will not hide they will see the times you lied and take my broke heart so it may keep you safe inside. but all those feelings I had for you have died.
-------------------------
here i am talking to my brother, alex
this was in march earlier this year
isn't he SOOO sweet?!
Missycaulkins: I think you are a good sister!
PrincessTink427: Who's the best sister ever?!
Missycaulkins: You!!:-D
-------------------------
a lil letter from muh Bella when we first began dating
HOW FRIKKIN SWEET IS SHE?!
i am THE LUCKIEST girl EVER!!

Date: Mon, 18 Apr 2005 08:15:14
You truly are my heartsong. My heart sings with happiness and swells with my love for you. I thank God everyday for blessing me with you and pray that I bring you as much happiness as you do me. I cherish every nanosecond we have together and am overwhelmed with happiness knowing that we will be side by side as we experience this Journey of Life.I love you Sarah more than I ever thought I could possibly love anyone. I fell in love from the moment I laid eyes on you. Have a great day my Love; my Heart; my Song.Thank you for finding me.
-------------------------
another love letter from my Bella
she found the words to bring even me to my knees

Date: Sat, 4 Jun 2005
Dearest, Sweet Sarah, You have been in my thoughts all night. My spirit soars and my body ignites as my memory drifts back to the first day we met. My heart knew the moment we met that you were the one I would fall in love with. Sarah, I love you. I love you more and more with each passing day. I fell in love with your radiant beauty; your fiery passion; your intelligence and sharp wit. First and foremost it was your heart that captured me and holds me captive with your unconditional love, your compassion and commitment to those you love. Even as I type these words they still dont express the intensity of my emotions and feelings I have for you. You are the one for me. I will fight for you; for us, my Love. NEVER give up and ALWAYS believe in yourself. I believe in you, Sarah. I believe in us. You are one of the strongest women I know and I thank the Gods and Goddesses every day for bringing you into my life. You are MY sunshine. You are my heart. All of my love forever, Yours truly, Bella
-------------------------

Pretty Purple

today i had my therapy appt. with Dr G
i told her all about what happened
even down to my lil finger bein in a splint
she says i am making great progress
the fact that i stood my ground and took care of myself
on the whole dr custer thing & with this " native " problem
i did it
i believed in myself
so i took care of myself
Dr G has had me look into my anger
why it is there
who it is aimed at and why
suprisingly
a lot of it was aimed at myself
i was angry at myself for so long because i felt like i wasn't good enough for certain ppl
my dad
my mom
my step dad
my siblings
old friends
old loves
i always tried to please them in some way or another
to appease them
because i could never satisfy them
i became angry with myself
now that i am confronting this
my confidence is growing
and because of this
i now CAREFULLY choose who i want to have in my life
i am who i am
and the ppl who are in my life now
understand and accept that
my quirks
my " moments " (and if you know me, you know what i mean)
my good points
and my flaws (which are just my "signatures")
i am learning to take chances with ppl
such as learning to open up to the ppl in my life
i am slowly opening up to my mother
and that is hard for me to do
i was angry with her for so long
because i felt like she wasn't there when i needed her emotionally
the catch is, however,
if i don't open up to her and tell her i need her
she can't be there for me
like this whole thing with the friggin "native"
i cried to her on the phone
I CRIED TO MY MOTHER ON THE PHONE
i NEVER EVER would've let myself be THAT vulnerable to her
i sent her an email today
apologizing for what i put her and Steve through
and saying thank you for what all they've done for me
and asking if she has looked in her attic for furniture for our house
in reply i got:
" I’ll always love you and you will probably always make me laugh and cry and make me happy and angry. So I guess, things are just about right. Love ya, see ya. Mom "
i am taking baby steps in my self recovery/self cleansing/self discovery process
so i won't become overwhelmed by this whole thing
even Liz and Cheryl have said they are proud of the progress i am making
i am truly Blessed to have such a wonderful support system
i know that i am happy for the first time in a long time
the purple is so pretty

Luck Is A Lady....

so my luck got a lil bit worse...
saturday i went t take harley for a walk
slammed my finger in the door
* sigh *
lucky me
went to the ER and got Xrays
got a splint
and went on bout my way
spent saturday night with leeds & angie
harley played with sugarbear all night long
they're so cute together!!
today we cancelled our gym membership,
withdrew cheryl from class,
raided super walmart for boxes,
and spoke to the apartment manager...
she was a damn bitch of course
said they weren't responcible for what happened
but the the guy lived in gov't apt.s here
so she'd have him evicted anyways
she gave some bullshit reason as to why the apt.s courtesy officer never called us back
she also said it was $500 to break the lease
so....
liz might come fri night and saturday
to help me pack while cheryl's at work
she'll take harley to linda saturday when she goes home to flo.
cheryl's momma may come either saturday or sunday morning
to help us load the u-haul sunday
i cannot WAIT to move
a 3 bedroom adorable house
small town
in the country
screened in back porch
1 hour from florence
30 from columbia
30 from santee
1 hour from charleston
it'll be a relief to get it all done
after we get settled in
i get to get my dog for good!
woohoo!!
anyways
thats whats up in my neck of da woods
peace luv n chicken butt, yall

More Thoughts On Today...

ya know
tonight we have heard from everybody
our friends and family have really stepped up to bat for us
that means the world to us
so we begin a new journey together
we were planning on moving anyways
just sooner than originally thought
fate has a way of showing you where to go
and it catches your attention
thats for damn sure
i am scared of all this
its so overwhelming
i am hesitant of switching Voc Rehabs
i like my case worker
and my therapist is super
my mind is just SO over loaded with thoughts
racing in a million different directions
we have so much to do
i can't believe i cried today
like the levees in new orleans
it just gave way
i've not cried like that
since...
i cannot even remember
i am thankful i was kept safe
cheryl is right....
we are just so upset because we realized how vulnerable we are
and that is truly scary!
it could've gone way worse than what did happen
thank you Nana & Papa for watching over me
i hope it will go well with the management people
if not
we already have a lawyer
i am so ready to be back in a small town
with stars and dirt roads
and smiles and nice people
i am definately NOT a big city girl
even danny and my mama linda were worried
that was super sweet of them
and according to TB
CW2 is fast approaching
"to finish off what our grandfathers didn't"
LoL
gotta love them good ol' country boys
i cried to my own (biological) Mother on the phone
and shoot
i even told her i loved her!
talk about miracles and making progress!!
speaking of making progress...
on my "my name is earl" checklist,
i can cross off the last ex
...or the first...
however you wanna look at it
i took responcibility for my words and actions
i asked forgiveness
ya know
growing up aint as bad as i thought it would be
hard
yes
but not bad
"life has a funny, funny way....of helping you out...of helping you out..."
even she was worried and expressed concern about today's events
Texas even called
she wished me well on all this

Cheryl-
i love you, mon femme Bella. thank you for being there for me today. you kept me strong even through the tears. we will come through this okay. we are so fortunate...we trully are. i love you, my sunshine. *MuAh*

Muther Fukkers

Today, I had a quite nasty little incident. I went to the corner gas station for my Marlboros and a Coca Cola...I got harrassed, bombarded, and intimidated by the "natives", the customers of the station...who also happen to live in our apartments. One older man singled me out and more or less invited himself into my car for a ride back to the apartments. Mind yall, Cheryl NOR I know ANYBODY within our apartments. We keep to ourselves all the time. We go home to both Orangeburg & Florence to visit with friends and family members. Anyways...The man in my car lets me know that he knows when I am at home by myself and that he knows it is more than just a "roomate" situation, and that he knows i have brought my dog here for a visit. This situation has rattled Cheryl & I both to our bones. We are frankly scared shitless. We filed an intimidation incident report with the Police, and we requested a Patrol car patrol within the apartment grounds tonight. We called our lawyer friend in Cola, who advised us to take the incident report with us to the Managers first thing Monday morning to see if we can get out of our lease. (She's been here for a few years and he current lease is up at the end of February.) My Mother-In-Law-to-Be has assurred us that we will be able to rent one of their houses from them (them being Cheryl's parents) as soon as we want. We are both completely stressed and shaken up. OMFG this SUKKS!! We both came undone and cried and cried. Not that crying will help resolve the situation...But i grew up in Florence...I am NOT accustomed to this...Needless to say, we are moving soon as possible! I hope and pray to the Goddess that we can escape the lease. Cheryl will drive back & forth to work until she can find a job closer to Orangeburg...atleast that's the plan for now anyways. God please watch us and see us through...

An Insightful Progression

When I look into the mirror,
I am startled by what I see;
I see Hope.
For so long,
The reflection I saw was Ugly,
Distorted,
Angry,
Jealous,
Hurt,
Disappointed;
A Sad Monster
Who’d completely lost herself
In this journey called life.
For so long,
I teeter-totted on that fragile edge
Of logic and insanity.
I was on a misguided route
To do unto the world
The misgivings that’d been done to me.
I hurt many people while
Meandering pointlessly in the darkness.
People I love, and have loved,
I felt like I wasn’t important in their lives.
The truth in that
Is I wasn’t important to myself.
Anger was my only friend
All other emotions terrified me
I was afraid to love those the closest to me;
If I allowed myself
To be capable of loving
Then it would only end up hurting me.
In my lashing out
Irreparable damage done to those around me.
Perhaps this is where wisdom permeates my very being
To allow my soul to heal.
Self destructiveness was my defense mechanism
Many a friendship and past loves hurt by that precise action of mine.
There are ones to whom my apologies have played like a broken record
They doubt the sincerity
And that I can understand.
But I am sorry for foolishly hurting
My loved ones
It has hurt not only them
But my own self as well.
So now here I sit
6 feet back from the ledge
I can see the ominous abyss from which I have risen,
Much like the Phoenix,
I am reborn.
I am on the path on which I aim to be
A path to personal discovery
A path to self cleansing
To excise all the menacing, deep rooted, anger
That does no good to anybody.
It’s quite the irony
That the certain few who called me Tink
Are the ones who I have hurt the most
And they are the ones who’ve hurt me the most.
I tried to live in this ill rooted fantasy world
To escape my reality.
Tink
The flying fairy who had happy, pixie dust
Who could take you to a place where time stood still
Her loyalty stood true
And magic was real,
I had to overcome the desolate emotions and actions
To reclaim the child buried subconsciously within me
To find the girl who I’d become
So I can be who I want to be.
I used to believe that life was all about “finding your soul mate”
That conviction only fed my misguided meanderings even more
It wasn’t until I woke up and faced the monster in the mirror
That I realized that life is about self discovery
When on the path to attain peace and tranquility
Is when there is light in the black tunnel of the abyss
That light
That Hope
Is what completes us
I am proud of the baby steps I have taken to claim myself
“The journey of a thousand miles begins with one step.”
I have come far
Yet I still have a humongous journey that lay ahead
And I am okay with that
Life is good
I am thankful to the Gods and Goddesses for that
A once brightly colorful past now fading to black and white
As the light of Hope guides me to where I belong
I will be okay.

The Sketches On Our Fresh Pumpkins Before The Carving

This Is 1/2 Way Done...We Were Skeered It Wouldn't Turn Out Right

 

The Finished Product...Ain't Dey PURTEE?!

WOOHOO!!

yesterday my honey and i shared a romantical supper
we figured out how to cook
Pasta Weesie found at Carrabba's Italian Grill
it wuz DAY-UM guud!!
we put up the fake spider webs on our front porch
a sad attempt to get in the halloween spirit
goin back to wally world to get more
and to get the glow in the dark spider webs
we put a black light on the porch too
and we think we're gonna decorate our pumpkins tomorrow
had a meeting with voc rehab today
they switched my doc's
they guarantee a good experience this go 'round
they also confirmed to me
that they would get me an appt.
with the ear, nose, & throat doc to clean muh ears out
and get me to an audiologist for my hearing aide
i got to see the results of my last hearing test while in the meeting
the hearing in my right ear
i thought was at about 20 or 25%
nope
try 10%
so yea yea
all yall can pikk on me
i am deaf
in my right ear atleast
but in my left ear
i actually have good hearing
i hafta wear the aide to compensate for the right ear
(it seems as if i'm always compensating for something, doesn't it?!)
anyways
i cleaned house today
like a good wifey
my Bella put the laundry up
i'm gonna cook her some yummy supper tonight
OH BTW- GOOD NEWS!!
yall know i can't keep good suprises to myself
especially when they're for my loved ones...
i couldn't wait til orangeburg
to pop the q
so i ran her a candle lit, sea salt bath
and i joined her...
after i grew a backbone...
* DA DAH DUH DUM!!*
SHE SAID YES!!
WOOHOO!!
it's on next year...
i'mma take my Bella to "Baston"
(thats Boston to us southerners)
WOOHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!
I'M THE LUCKIEST GiRL IN THE WHOLE WIDE WORLD!!

You Sure? Cuz I See 'Em...

 

Got Crabs?

 

Pwetty, Pwetty

Charleston's New Pride & Joy, The Ravenel Bridge

 

Morris Island Fallen Palm Tree

 

Morris Island

 

Isn't She Grande?

 

Closer Shot Of The Dolphins

The Dolphins Were Hard To Take Pictures Of, So This Is The Best We Got, Sorry Yall...
 

Charleston Harbor Dolphins At Play