An Insightful Progression

When I look into the mirror,
I am startled by what I see;
I see Hope.
For so long,
The reflection I saw was Ugly,
Distorted,
Angry,
Jealous,
Hurt,
Disappointed;
A Sad Monster
Who’d completely lost herself
In this journey called life.
For so long,
I teeter-totted on that fragile edge
Of logic and insanity.
I was on a misguided route
To do unto the world
The misgivings that’d been done to me.
I hurt many people while
Meandering pointlessly in the darkness.
People I love, and have loved,
I felt like I wasn’t important in their lives.
The truth in that
Is I wasn’t important to myself.
Anger was my only friend
All other emotions terrified me
I was afraid to love those the closest to me;
If I allowed myself
To be capable of loving
Then it would only end up hurting me.
In my lashing out
Irreparable damage done to those around me.
Perhaps this is where wisdom permeates my very being
To allow my soul to heal.
Self destructiveness was my defense mechanism
Many a friendship and past loves hurt by that precise action of mine.
There are ones to whom my apologies have played like a broken record
They doubt the sincerity
And that I can understand.
But I am sorry for foolishly hurting
My loved ones
It has hurt not only them
But my own self as well.
So now here I sit
6 feet back from the ledge
I can see the ominous abyss from which I have risen,
Much like the Phoenix,
I am reborn.
I am on the path on which I aim to be
A path to personal discovery
A path to self cleansing
To excise all the menacing, deep rooted, anger
That does no good to anybody.
It’s quite the irony
That the certain few who called me Tink
Are the ones who I have hurt the most
And they are the ones who’ve hurt me the most.
I tried to live in this ill rooted fantasy world
To escape my reality.
Tink
The flying fairy who had happy, pixie dust
Who could take you to a place where time stood still
Her loyalty stood true
And magic was real,
I had to overcome the desolate emotions and actions
To reclaim the child buried subconsciously within me
To find the girl who I’d become
So I can be who I want to be.
I used to believe that life was all about “finding your soul mate”
That conviction only fed my misguided meanderings even more
It wasn’t until I woke up and faced the monster in the mirror
That I realized that life is about self discovery
When on the path to attain peace and tranquility
Is when there is light in the black tunnel of the abyss
That light
That Hope
Is what completes us
I am proud of the baby steps I have taken to claim myself
“The journey of a thousand miles begins with one step.”
I have come far
Yet I still have a humongous journey that lay ahead
And I am okay with that
Life is good
I am thankful to the Gods and Goddesses for that
A once brightly colorful past now fading to black and white
As the light of Hope guides me to where I belong
I will be okay.