We're HOME & She's Pathetic

WELL LET ME SAY THIS...
MOVING IS EMOTIONALLY EXHAUSTING!!
we moved ON sunday
unloaded the u-haul sunday & monday (halloween)
and are now in the midst of unpacking, etc.
i had a panic attack monday when i went in to the toilet
a single bachelor rented the house before us
i know i shouldn't have had a frikkin panic attack
but i did, damnit
tuesday i went to the new psychologist
yankee born, southern heart
lexapro and xanax
cool doc
i'm getting harley for good on thursday
woohoooooooooooooo
when we returned the u-haul
there was a pictured posted of a smashed up truck towing an even more smashed car
the guy behind the counter was like
" can yall guess what the truck & car were "
truck was a ford ranger
that one was easy
but the car
which was TOTALLY smashed
except for the right front bumper and headlight
i guessed it right
ford escort
the guy said i was the first one ever to get it right
damn i'm good
LoL
anyways
i feel the need to post the following...
an explanation first...
i have a group on MSN that i mainly keep old pics,
a few posting, etc
psycho-bytch used to post on it as well
it is sad and quite pathetic...
i am sorry her dad died, but everything else in her world...
she has made it that way...
this is nothing but karma and it's repricussions...
i've not made any contact with her, nor will i
same shit
different day
me thinks
ricky called to read me her letter
i told him
" maybe she'll cut long ways and not across this time "
and i said
" you call her if you want, i've got better things to do with my life,
this is how she calls us back to her, its all a cycle, this is how it all begins, & i'm not falling for it "
i guess i have indeed moved on
i'm not cold hearted,
just indifferent
i did love her
but no matter how much i loved her
it wasn't enough to help her...
she posted a post on my MSN group, then i replied to her post,
then she sent a mass FWD to everybody in HER group
that is the order in which the items i have posted are in:
---------------------------------------


from sea's of time i climbed for the wings of one i love,
the emptiness and broken heart
has killed my very soul.
I am insane from the hurt of the name of this love.
no one will be at my side.
my heart is made of stone.
I feel nothing thanks to the true love i lost.
she killed me tink... do you know her name.
the one i reach for.
the one i wake of screaming for.
do you know what she did to me?
made me long for peace, long of something to brake,...
say her name,
Cut myself to end this pain.
what could make me feel this way.
it is not I how always lives a lie.
I dont have tears enough to cry.
and when you tell her you love her do you choke on every word
can she see you like she should.
no passion no soul
bitterness no one can control
I am the monster inside you
I am the guilt that hurts you
I am the evil with in you
isn't that what you want to believe
i am the thing that haunts you
what is her name..
the one that brought me here.
called upon me... in hear very dreams
never good enough
what is her name
what harsh things to say
none
what will i talk you out of this time
nothing
for my voice will never be heard by your ears.
hate is too much
i would have to feel for that
you know you killed feeling from me
what is her name can you say it
speak it softly to your self
my murder what is her name say it ,... whisper it to the stars you need
and when you want to reach for me
or another hurts you deep
who will you call on
when no one even knows where I am
find out
not me... you will never reach me again.
in my black and harden soul
use to be this one girl
she took all the sorrow from my lonely world
now she's dead and gone away
no not that name..
not her not the first
but another...
say her name out loud,.. can you...
what hurt me
why do i feel like im losing control
no
say her name
say what the truth is
do you even remember
what is the truth
only you and I know
but I am gone forever
one more lie you told
one more secret you hold
say her name
I know what you do
anything to prove you are on top
lies when they hold you
lies when you tell them
lies lies lies all you understand
so now i ask you
what have i lied about
when you read these words
what's a lie and what's just like you
beautiful words.
---------------------------------------------------

its funny,
no?
the way life goes on.
"Freedom is just another word for nothing left to lose,Nothing don't mean nothing honey if it ain't free, now now.And feeling good was easy, Lord, when he sang the blues,You know feeling good was good enough for me,Good enough for me and my Bobby McGee."
through the misery & the pain
existed a lost girl
once so beautifully innocent
morphed into a evil monster
it is the lioness with the thorn in her paw
lashing out at those who lend a helping hand
she learned to cope with the pain
every passing sunset
wore down the thorn
and one day
the thorn was longer there
so accustomed to the pain
the lioness knew not what to do
she wasn't imprisoned in her own self made Hell anymore
a new beginning
a new journey
covered with scars
some still oozing blood
but she starts toward the new horizon
stops to look behind
to look into the dark murky abyss
of her past
"Bye, bye...'Cause Lord knows I'm to blame.But, if I stayed here with you girl,Things just couldn't be the same.Cause I'm as free as a bird now,And this bird you'll never change.And this bird you can not change"
you are bound and determined to believe
a Dalmation cannot change its' spots
so be it
you ARE alone when you close your eyes
apologies i'll never repeat
you've always seen what you've wanted
no doubt i blew chances given to me
but what is meant to be will be
you choose to keep the flames of anger
at a toasty level
somewhere within the great depths of yourself
it is your right
as for me
i choose to not be eaten alive
by the lethal virus of anger any longer
forgiveness
understanding
compassion
truth
acceptance
and love
are hard to come by
but no longer is there a reflection of a monster
when i look into the mirror
i am the girl i am supposed to be
my flaws
my good points
my coo-coo characteristics
my juvenile laugh
i am me
not Tink
not the girl from my childhood
not the angry blood thirsty lioness
i am Sarah
i have made many mistakes
i cannot undo
nor do i want to
the past is the past
it is the bitter cold on a winter's night that reminds me to layer up my clothes
and curl up under a blankie
it is all a learning process
some lessons learned in the most hard painful way possible
you said you don't want to have to explain to another person
who i am
i agree
i have no one to explain you to
people around me know
they see the difference in me
from when i was yours
to who i am now
they do not need to know the story of us
they see the visible changes
"insanity & creativity: 2 sides, 1 coin"
our memories will always be there
once vividly colorful
now fading to black & white
i do not look back in anger or resentment
guilt or innocence
sad or happy
i do not look back
at all
i know where i have been
i know where i am
i know where to go
"...i wish you hope,
i wish you well,
within the chambers of your shell,...
but its your fault and its your right..."
her name is starlight.
she taught me to think outside the box.
she made me see the reflection in the mirror.
she took me to the bottom of the abyss.
then she gave me freedom from it.
it is not about who's on top.
not about who hurt who worse.
wrongs were done on BOTH sides.
time has moved forward and so have i.
no longer do the stars and the milkyway
guide my way.
instead
it is a force to be reckoned with,
something much stronger than you've ever been willing to freely give to anyone
that guides my way now
i have what i need
you have what you need.
i can only hope for your sake you have not found the stone garden.
someday i hope you find your way back to the roses.
good-bye my old love, my old arch nemesis,...
my old friend
--------------------------------------
so many dreams get sent crashing to the shore, happiness stolen in a blink of an eye. my father died. I held him and listened to his last heart beat. my memories swirled in a angery sea around me. my weakness made to clear. no mother, no father. My child that grew in my womb, the son I sold my very soul to have. bled the floor red. pain burned my body when his life died in me. sorrow was all I had left. losing my baby, my family, and what was left of my mind took it's evil toll on me. it's killing my love, I hear my unborn child scream every night. the happy pills they feed me isn't working right. nothing keeps me safe at night when all i have is hurt. she left me with the thorn in my side, so many lovers left me a stray. but his death hurt the most. i want to call you, just to say. hey man i was getting married,... i lost the baby... i just need a old friend. but i have none. im not afraid to be lone. and emptiness isn't afraid of me. but so many things are too real these days. Adien,... was going to be my son's name. strong and proud, a knight, a king, but my body was too weak,... i heard him scream ,... white rooms with sorrow filled eyes of cold understanding. i knew my son had died. now empty, hurt, confused, i have nothing left to really do. move on, keep strong, head above the water. stars fade sarah, nothing is forever. rest in peace jacob,... your memories still linger. billy my dear keep on being happy im glad you found your place to be. travis a love I could never find. you are so good, so beautiful. ive been right down your street and couldn't find it in me to even say hi. forgive me i think of you as well. ricky my old best friend broken words and misplaced blame i can't ... wont turn back but i will sa this. im sorry is something given but forgiveness is time. for everyone else this letter may find. im not doing well but i will be just fine. i love i hate i feel im almost dead,... but I still can find a happy place in my head. as far as my son, he will return,... wont he? that I pray.... next time my body will let him stay.