Pretty Purple

today i had my therapy appt. with Dr G
i told her all about what happened
even down to my lil finger bein in a splint
she says i am making great progress
the fact that i stood my ground and took care of myself
on the whole dr custer thing & with this " native " problem
i did it
i believed in myself
so i took care of myself
Dr G has had me look into my anger
why it is there
who it is aimed at and why
suprisingly
a lot of it was aimed at myself
i was angry at myself for so long because i felt like i wasn't good enough for certain ppl
my dad
my mom
my step dad
my siblings
old friends
old loves
i always tried to please them in some way or another
to appease them
because i could never satisfy them
i became angry with myself
now that i am confronting this
my confidence is growing
and because of this
i now CAREFULLY choose who i want to have in my life
i am who i am
and the ppl who are in my life now
understand and accept that
my quirks
my " moments " (and if you know me, you know what i mean)
my good points
and my flaws (which are just my "signatures")
i am learning to take chances with ppl
such as learning to open up to the ppl in my life
i am slowly opening up to my mother
and that is hard for me to do
i was angry with her for so long
because i felt like she wasn't there when i needed her emotionally
the catch is, however,
if i don't open up to her and tell her i need her
she can't be there for me
like this whole thing with the friggin "native"
i cried to her on the phone
I CRIED TO MY MOTHER ON THE PHONE
i NEVER EVER would've let myself be THAT vulnerable to her
i sent her an email today
apologizing for what i put her and Steve through
and saying thank you for what all they've done for me
and asking if she has looked in her attic for furniture for our house
in reply i got:
" I’ll always love you and you will probably always make me laugh and cry and make me happy and angry. So I guess, things are just about right. Love ya, see ya. Mom "
i am taking baby steps in my self recovery/self cleansing/self discovery process
so i won't become overwhelmed by this whole thing
even Liz and Cheryl have said they are proud of the progress i am making
i am truly Blessed to have such a wonderful support system
i know that i am happy for the first time in a long time
the purple is so pretty