"To live is an awfully great adventure."

i see the show, intervention, and it reminds me of candice and of myself, so much. every girl addict on the show is me, is her. the sober life is magnificent. everything is real, is simple, not complicated or drama filled. it breaks my heart every time i think of the hurt i caused to my Bella, to my family, friends, and past lovers. the self destruction i put myself through is now mind boggling. how ignorant could i have been? how scared could i have been? what could i have been so scared of? addiction does not make you a coward. addiction is a prison warden that cripples you. it cripples ever aspect of you. how could i have possibly thought that i loved others when i couldn't even love myself? all along, i thought that i needed somebody to save me. what i needed was to believe in myself, so i could love myself, and love Bella. i may have some "colorful" ex's, but i cannot say that they didn't love me, even if in their own way. i remember the effect of my mistakes in losing the few whom i did love. Bella, i couldn't lose her. i can't. it may be simple to say that my relationship with her is the fabric fairytales are made of, but it is true. but most of all, it is real. i wish upon all wishes i've ever made, that i could undo my addiction, that way i could erase all the pain i've ever caused her. but, thank God her love for me is true. thank God, i had that wake up call that i needed to find my reality...and fast. i had come too far to go back to that rock bottom. in a way i did hit rock bottom again, i hadn't quite gotten there yet. but once it was in view, fortunately, i recognized it and corrected the situation. i don't think i'm healed from my addiction. but i think that my fear, my fear of losing Bella, my fear of losing my family again, my fear of losing myself...that fear is what stops me. i refuse to lose what i've worked so hard to gain. i am clean, even from nicotine. i am clean, i have been clean for a while, i am staying clean. i love me, i love my life, and i now completely cherish and love my family and friends. i hope and pray that candice finds her rock bottom, finds her fear. maybe then, she can find herself. it is quite ironic that she is now my idol of what i strive not to be. now that both her and the drugs are gone, the chains of imminent death are vanished too. "to live, truly is the greatest adventure,..." said peter pan. how true that is.