Aging Gracefully & The Phantom Squishee

Courtesy of farts.com :
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I remember one night at work, this old man was finishing up his dinner and went to use the restroom. About 30 minutes later, someone came in just to use the can. That guy came out running and said "You better check on him." I went towards the men's room and the smell of raw turds was off the scale. I found the old man in there with his underwear in a wad of TP totally soiled. After helping him clean up, I decided to view the carnage. There was a turd about the size of a bowling ball in the bottom of the bowl. It completely blocked the hole and the poo water was at the top. I left and told the two employees that were working to go look at it. I believe it scarred then for life, they came out of there and the were completely grossed out. I ended up having to go outside and get a stick to break up that turd so it would go down. I was really feeling bad about that old man after that. I bet it was as painful as giving birth when he was passing that. He came back in a few weeks later thinking that I might have forgotten about his ordeal, but I had not. I tried to put on my best pokerface when I waited on him, but I think he knew the jig was up. I haven't seen much of him lately and I just hope that's not because he is too embarrassed about his restroom disaster.
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There I was in the passenger seat of his car while he ran into the store to get some milk. I thought I had enough time to let out a little fart while he was out of the car. It's 106 in California today so we had the a/c running and I figured the circulating air would dampen any potential threat to inner cabin pressure.It started out slow and as anticipated, lifted one cheek and let out a toot ... but it got away on me. It went Pop .... ffffffffwappaaa, the second fart shot out so fast and felt like a diahrea blast. I could not be sure if I had followed through, I had no time to react because there he was heading back to the car. Such a handsome hottie that he is, he winked at me from outside of the car and the only thought that crossed through my mind was, "Oh please don't let there be a skidmark inside my skirt ... look at the way he's smiling ... oh please don't let this smell." (An entire conversation took place in my head of the what-ifs) So as I'm sitting there trying to act like nothing is wrong, the faint scent of ass was in the air ... "had I accidentally left a skidder? Was it just a fart?" (Running over and over in my mind as I tried to assess the damages without physically reaching between my legs and feeling for anything .. "out of the norm") I knew that if I did that, he'd think it was his lucky day .. no way in hell would he think I'd be performing a checkwipe in his passenger seat. (Good Lord) So ... as I'm trying to do a hands-free low key ass-essment, he suggests we go to KFC. (NoooOOOoooooooo I needed to know, the uncertainty was killing me, so naughty, so dirty ... just take me home) I smiled and said, sure, but let's go through the drive-thru ok (Please drive thru, do not suggest going inside ... I prayed he didn't want to go in) The humiliation was extreme and I still didn't know if I had made a little accident or not ... I nearly cried out when he ordered "gravy" on his fries. When we arrived back home I wasn't sure what would happen when I got out of the car, probably would have felt a little more secure if I had been WEARING panties. (Oh the double whammy shame of it) So I carefully got out of the car, making sure to keep my legs tight together and hurried to open the front door. I let on that I had to use the bathroom really bad so that he'd be busy getting the stuff out of the car while I ran to do the dreaded Check wipe.Once inside I scampered down the hall and into the bathroom .... grabbed some toilet paper and began to perform the examination of the possible area of impact. Nothing was there, it was a phantom squishee .... a fart that had felt like a waterpik. So I endured about 35 minutes of uncertainty for nothing .... Feeling quite relieved, I've come away from this with a few lessons.#1) do not fart in a passenger seat when it's 106 degrees out, humidex will make you wonder if you've just airbrushed yourself #2) do not attempt a fart when out in public without panties on