Doc Visit

so to the Doc i grudgingly went to today,
Cheryl's Mom went with me for my support.
the Doc did a pelvic & pap smear,
will lemee know rsults in two weeks.
i UNLOADED * nicely * on him after that though.
i told him of my PAINFUL & AGONIZING withdrawals.
he wrote me an RX for the patches.
and oddly enough,
ever since i put one on today,
i've not had a craving.
and other than being exhausted,
i'm beginning to feel like myself again.
he wrote me another pain killer RX for my shoulders,
as one last ditch effort
before physical therapy.
the Doc wants me to call my psychiotrist to see
if he'd be willing to put me on wellbutrin to also help me quit smoking.
he also gave me my Xanax RX to help calm me down.
so i am happy with the doc at the moment,
he took his time,
listened to me,
and truly pulled through.
for that i am grateful.
went shopping with Cheryl's Mom...
i splurged a lil bit.
* woo hoo *
i did get some house hold items.
I'm relieved. VERY RELIEVED!!

FEELS LIKE HOME

There's something in your eyes
Makes me wanna lose my self,
Makes me wanna lose myself in your heart,
There's something in your voice
That makes my heart beat fast
Hope this feeling lasts
For the rest of my life
If you knew how lonely
My life has been
And how long I've been so alone
And if you knew how
I wanted someone to come along
And change my life the way you've done
It feels like home to me
It feels like home to me
It feels like I'm all the way back where I come from
It feels like home to me
It feels like home to me
It feels like I'm all the way back where I belong

Agonizing, Day 4...HELP Is In Sight

Better mood...
Still getting the cravings.
Paid all my house hold bills today.
I'mma good house wifey.
I miss home already.
I miss my Mawmaw,
my boys,
and dare I say,
Margaret.
I'd love to try to visit friends
that I didn't get to see while I was there for Crimmus.
Goin to Dr. in the A.M.
Pap Smear, Pelvic Exam.
Woohoo.
Momma - In - Law might go in with me,
I hope she does.
Not to be all lookin at my cooch.
But just to stand beside my head & hold my hand to comfort me.
I hope she will.
Then,
THen,
THEn,
THEN,...
Dr Montgomery gonna get a mouth full from me.
(Shut up to you pervs, that ain't wtf I meant.)
I'mma bitch about my shoulders still hurtin,
that the Ultracet ain't cuttin it.
THEN, I'mma be like I ain't had a smoke since 12/31/05.
I'm in pain, I ache all over.
I'm angry, pissy, and wanna be left alone.
Advil, Tylenol, IBrophen...that fake shit AINT FUKKIN WORKIN.
Then I'mma tell him I don't have my next Psychiatrist Appt. until Feb. 5th,
so I can't get my Xanax re-written until then. Last time I filled was late Nov.
My anxiety levels since the absence of the cig, has DRAMATICALLY SKYROCKETED.
HE'S GOT TO HELP A CRAZY BIOTCH LIKE ME...
Bc I am in physical & mental pain.
I feel like I'm about to cross my line,
to my breaking point.
He HAS to help me.
I told a couple of ppl. today,
that I'd rather go through w/drawals of pills for the rest of my life,
than to go through w/drawal of cigs for 3 weeks.
Its your Pre-K Naptime ( with the detoxing from the pills ),
whereas, detoxing with cigs, is your Grad School Class of the Internal Workings of an Elephant.
Today, during the day, was better.
I spent play time with both Cheryl & my Dog.
THAT was fun.
I kept puttin his ass in her face,
LMFAO!!

Anyways, I'mma leave yall with these lyrics...
Peace, Luv, 'N, Chicken Gas.



Wrong Night Lyrics

I set my mind to it said
I wasn't gonna do it
no how so sir no way
I wouldn't give my heart up
gonna keep my guard up
and save it for another
Then you walked in with that crazy grin
and everything I swore before
Got lost in your eyes and flew right out the door
Suddenly I heard love songs
playing real soft on the jukebox
Somebody ordered up moonlight
and painted stars all across the sky
Is it gravity or destiny
either way there's nothing I can do
Looks like I picked the wrong night
not to fall in love with you
I briefly resisted but my heart insisted
it was gonna be giving in
Hard as I was trying there was no denying
which one of us would win
You came up beside me and asked if I'd be
Wantin' to have a dance
Right then I knew this thing was out of my hands
Suddenly I heard love songs playing real soft on the jukebox
Somebody ordered up moonlight
and painted stars all across the sky
Is it gravity or destiny
either way there's nothing I can do
Looks like I picked the wrong night
not to fall in love with you
Suddenly I heard love songs
playing real soft on the jukebox
Somebody ordered up moonlight
and painted stars all across the sky
Is it gravity or destiny
either way there's nothing I can do
Looks like I picked the wrong night
not to fall in love with you
Looks like a wrong night
not to fall in love with you

The War Rages On...

Day #2...
I slept all day.
I was thinking,
that if I sleep all day,
my body could begin detoxing itself,
while I slept.
Thinking to myself,
it wouldn't be so bad.
* Pfffffttttt *
Girl,
was I wrong!!
I am more ill
than a cat in a room full of rockin chairs.
I mean it, yall...
I need a venue to take out my aggression.
I'm not even sure exactly why
I have so much build - up of aggression within me.
Maybe it is because subconsiously I am not getting what I want,
that being Nicotine.
So, my inner child is throwing
the MOTHER of ALL hissy fits,...
thus;
my anger.
Hell, I dunno.
Good theory, though, me thinks.
I'm MAJORLY hoping & praying
that this is a temporary state of Hell
in which I am residing in at the moment.
Another note worthy hypothesis is:
I am stubborn,
HARD HEADED,
strong willed,
determined,
any & everybody who TRULY KNOWS me, knows these facts about me.
Maybe I'm getting angry because,
I feel like this little ... thing... is beating me.... its winning?
And I don't lose
when it comes to achievings goals I've set for myself.
Proposing a third & final theory is...
Maybe I am angry because it is an emotion I, very sadly,
am comfortable with.
I'm not quite sure exactly what emotions I'm supposed to be going through,
during this hardest part of stopping smoking.
I know it is nothing but a mere
mental test.
Who is stronger?
Mind VS. Nicotine.
I am angry, I am pissy.
But with ever fiber I've got in me,
I promise I ain't giving up.
I WILL WIN.
Why?
Bc...As My IDOL, Reba, Sings...

I was born 3 months too early
The doctor gave me 30 days
But I must have had my * Nana's * will
And God's amazing grace
I guess I'll keep on livin
Even if this love's to die for
Cuz your bags are packed
And I ain't cryin
Your walkin out and I'm not tryin
To change your mind
Cuz I was born to be...
I'm a survivor...
It only brings you down
May be the queen of broken hearts
But I don't hide behind the crown
When the deck is stacked against me
I just play a different game
My roots are planted in the past
And though my life is changing fast
Who I am is who I wanna be
The baby girl without a chance
A victim of circumstance
The one who oughta give up
But she's just too hard headed...
Who loves her kids and never stops
With gentle hands
And the heart of a fighter
I'm a survivor

Karma

BTW....
MY DOG, HARLEY,...all what?
Barely 1 foot of him...
JUMPED ALL THE WAY UP on me while I was standing str8 up,
Cheryl & I were playfully punchin each other, and Harley JUMPED ALL THE WAY UP &
BIT MY FUKKIN NIPPLE!!
Hehe, Karma got him back...
" Pugnacious " next door molested him...
LMFAO

GOTTA LOVE KARMA!!!

Escaping Nicotine's Deadly Grasp

Ode To Nicotine & My Nail Clenching Attempt to Escape its Captivity

Memories concern
Like opening the wound
I’m picking me apart again
You all assume
I’m safer in my room
Unless I try to start again
I don’t want to be the one
Who battles always choose
Cuz inside I realize
That I’m the one confused
I don’t know what’s worth fighting for
Or why I have to scream
I don’t know why I instigate
And say what I don’t mean
I don’t know how I got this way
I know it’s not alright
So I’m breaking the habit
I’m breaking the habit tonight
Cultured my cure
I tightly lock the door
I try to catch my breath again
I hurt much more
Than anytime before
I have no options left again
I don’t want to be the one
Who battles always choose
Cuz inside I realize
That I’m the one confused
I don’t know what’s worth fighting for
Or why I have to scream
I don’t know why I instigate
And say what I don’t mean
I don’t know how I got this way
I’ll never be alright
So, I’m breaking the habit
I’m breaking the habit tonight
I’ll paint it on the walls
Cuz I’m the one that falls
I’ll never fight again
And this is how it ends
I don’t know what’s worth fighting for
Or why I have to scream
But now I have some clarity
To show you what I mean
I don’t know how I got this way
I’ll never be alright
So, I’m breaking the habit
I’m breaking the habit
Breaking the habit tonight

BIATCH IN DA HOUSE TODAY!!

Okay,...
so I caught whatever it was that Cheryl had.
I slept it out.
Then we went to her sister's house
for thier annual New Year's Eve Party.
Took us two hours to get ready
when we stayed all of 45 minutes, maybe...?
We came home,
Read our Tarot Cards,
I walked Harley,
Smoked my LAST cig,
Then we buried the rest of my pack,
and tried to burn it, but it didn't work.
So, we just buried that too.
I saw 1 shooting star
and I made my wish.
Today...
We ate New Year's Day Lunch at her Mom's.
I had to come home early & lie down,...
Not smoking is seemingly killing me worse than ACTUALLY smoking.
Buddy boy,...
I am in one HELLACIOUS MOTHER FUKKIN,
BAD BASS MOOD TODAY.

Puke, Exhaustion, & Garth...

went to wal mart
got some art stuff
gonna make belated Crimmus gifts.
Bella is sikk today
throwing up
yukky.
i had to call out for her at work
and go get her sprite & gatorade
gave her some chicken noodle soup
and sent her onto bed.
my own shoulders are killing me,
i am not in the best of moods.
i am exhausted
but i dunno why.
anyways,
we listened to some more of the new Garth...
here's my lyrics fer today.

I'll Be The Wind

You let him lock you away in his prison of sadness
It's up to you to decide where tomorrow will lead
If it's time to be leaving your burdens behind
I could be just what you need

I'll be the wind
I'll be the highway
I'll be your midnight friend
And we'll fly away
When you come across the courage
To spread your wings again
I'll be the wind

I can't imagine the gypsy you were before him
Carefree and wild a spirited child of the road
Lately girl you've been wearing the weight of the world
And I'd like to lighten your load

I'll be the wind
I'll be the highway
I'll be your midnight friend
And we'll fly away
When you come across the courage
To spread your wings again
I'll be the wind

If it's time to be leaving your burdens behind
I could be just what you need

I'll be the wind
I'll be the highway
I'll be your midnight friend
And we'll fly away
When you come across the courage
To spread your wings again
I'll be the wind

It All Comes Down To A Fart

ok so i am back home now
i am gonna go in detail ab my trip home...
* sigh *
here goes...
it was GREAT being there...
the thing at Mary Barr's
kinda, i dunno...
i told Cheryl i was glad June was there with me.
I told Cheryl if June could overcome her situation
and go & actually visit her Dad,
then i could be the bigger person
and leave a damn voice mail for my sperm donor.
i have mixed emotions about that.
i was put in that situation that I didn't like
instead of freaking out,
and going off on the Old Hag,
i just did it.
kinda over came a lil bit of fear in a way,
ya know?
its over & done with,
just like a fart...
its come & gone,
left a lil stench...
a bit of air freshner & we'll all be okay...
it all comes down to a fart, doesn't it?
anyways, when i got back home....
Cheryl's Mom gave me my thermal Tink blanket
and on the bottom it says BELiEVE,
Her sister gave me a Tink pocketbook
( that now makes 3 total ),
Cheryl gave me:
A Star Wars III poster thingy to go on my wall,
A poster from Posters.com of van Gogh's Starry Night,
The stuff for my SNES
( that doesn't work, btw, DAMNIT ),
& then there's still the 1 mystery gift
that's yet to arrive for me.
i did laundry all day today, LoL...
back to my life...
i missed my lil Shithead,
my shadow,
felt wierd to not have him up my ass....
my Bella...
i missed her too.
today (12 - 29 -05 ) is our 9 month anniversary!!
( WooHoo, Baby!! I LOVE YOU, BELLA!! )
i jammed to a Garth Brooks CD tonight...
I gave Bella the new Box Set Edition only found at Wal - Mart
i listened to my FAVORITE song on the Scarecrow CD...
the purple is pretty...
so soothing....

When You Come Back To Me Again

There's a ship out
On the ocean
At the mercy of the sea
It's been tossed about
Lost and broken
Wandering aimlessly
And God somehow
You know that ship is me
'Cause there's a lighthouse
In the harbour
Shining faithfully
Pouring its light out
Across the water
For this sinking soul to see
That someone out there
Still believes in me
On a prayer, in a song
I hear your voice and
It keeps me hanging on
Raining down
Against the wind
I'm reaching out till
We reach the circle's end
When you come
Back to me again
There's a moment
We all come to
In our own time and
Our own space
Where all that we've done
We can undo
If our heart's
In the right place
On a prayer, in a song
I hear your voice and
It keeps me hanging on
Raining down
Against the wind
I'm reaching out till
We reach the circle's end
When you come
Back to me again
And again I see
My yesterday's in front of me
Unfolding like a mystery
You're changing all that is
And used to be
On a prayer, in a song
I hear your voice and
It keeps me hanging on
Raining down
Against the wind
I'm reaching out till
We reach the circle's end
When you come
Back to me again
When you come
Back to me again

Fo' DAMN Sho!!

Crimmus was WONDERFUL!!!
Auntie Boo didn't join us
at my Mom's for supper.
Got a big shock-
Lissa showed up fer a visit.
Talk about a shock factor!!
Bubba was there,
he's so frikkin cool!!
Spent a lot of time with my other family too.
I love them,
I even ate with them at thier Annual Crimmus Eve supper.
Butchie Boy is still adorable...
and Lil P-Nut is just, omg,
a HEART THROB!!
I'll even hafta admit,
Danny Boy's behaving,
JuneBug is all smiles.
It is good to see my family & friends
happy & at peace,
enjoying the holiday to its fullest.
My Boys are so cute, I swear they are!!
I miss my Bella & my Shithead...
They're coming tomorrow to get me!!
Everybody will get to see my Harley...
Anyways,
I hope yall had a Merry Crimmus,
Cuz I sho nuff did!!

Fa, La, La, La, La, FART...

ok so i am home.
i'm missing my shithead & my bella.
i spent yesterday with my mama linda!!
god i missed her so much,
she truly is like another mother to me.
i feel more comfy talking to her than i do my own mother.
today i fiddle-faddled around,
then went to the Knorr Crimmus dinner.
all went well.
then we saw d & j's dad,...
it was after then that d & s
started their drama.
i guess it wouldn't be a trip home w/o thier glorious drama.
tomorrow, i'll be going to my own mama's early in the a.m.
gotta go see what the jolly fat man got my kids.
then Crimmus dinner with the family.
all is well.
so far, i can still see the purple.
Merry Crimmus, everybody.

Saw this in Ro's journal 2nite...

"Why? Because I believe I will. If you believe, then you hang on. If you believe, it means you’ve got imagination, you don’t need stuff thrown out for you in a blueprint, you don’t face facts-what can stop you?"

Home Is Where The Heart Is...& De Ebonics Crimmus Pome

i cannot wait to go home!!
i'mma miss my bella & my shithead tho.
i'm damn sight gonna hafta focus on my colors
to use restraint & to focus.
because them people LAWD KNOWS
SHO NUFF KNOWS how to push my buttons.
my bella hada bad day at work today,
i tried to make her feel better.
its gonna be great spending quality time
with family and friends.
i CANNOT WAIT
to see my boys & my Mawmaw!!
home is where the heart is, right?
i sho hope & pray there isn't any drama.
nice & easy.
live and let live.
well...I'm off....
i'll leave yall wif Liz's annual
Ebonics Crimmus POME...

De Ebonics Crimmus Pome

Wuz de nite befo Crimmus
An' all ower da hood,
Ereybody wuz sleepin',
Dey wuz sleepin' so good.
We hunged up our stockings
An' hoped like de heck
Dat dat old Sanny Claus
Be bringin' our check.
All o'de fambily
Wuz layin' in dey beds
Whilst Ripple an' Thunderbird
Danced thew dey heads.
I passed out inna flo'
Right nex to my maw.
When I heard sech a fuss,
I thunk, "It muss be de law!!"
I looked out thew de bars
What covered my do
''Spectin' de sheriff
Wif a warrant fo' sho'.
An' what did I see?
I said, "Lawd, look at dat!
"Der' wuz a huge watermelon
Pulled by giant warf rats!
Now, ober all de years,
Sanny Claus, he be white,
But looks liken us bros
Gets a black Sanna dis nite.
Faster dan a po'lees car
My home boy he came.
He whupped on dem warf rats
An' called dem by name.
"On Leroy, on 'Lonzo,
An' on Willie Lee!
On Saphire, on Chenequa!"
Dey was a site to see!
As he landed dat watta' melon
Out der in da skreet,
I knowed it wuz fo' sho'
Da damndest site I ebber did see.
He didn't go down no chimbley;
He picked da lock on my do',
An' I sez to myself,
"Sh**!! He done dis befo'!!"
He had dis big bag
Fulla prezents I 'spect,
Wid Air Jordons and fake gold
To wear roun' my neck.
But he left no good prezents,
Jus started stealin' my sh**.
Got my drugs,
got my guns,
Even got my burglar's kit!!
Wit my stuff in de bag,
Out de winda he flewed.
I woudda' tried to catched him,
But he stole my 'nife too!
He jumped on dat wadda' melon
An' whipped out a switch.
He wuz gone in a seccon
'Dat son of a b****!
Next year I be hopin'
Anutha Sanna we git
Cuz diz here Sanny Claus
Jus' ain't werf a sh**!!

Normal Couple Stuff, REBA, Auras, Chakras, Etc.

well let's see...
sunday Cheryl & I went to her annual
family reunion / Crimmus party.
talk about nerve racking!!
i mean,
i've met most of everybody who was there,
but i don't really know them.
plus them being her family,
i wanted to make a good impression.
monday Bella and I invitied my in - laws over for supper.
tuesday, we ate at their house for supper.
today, we went grocery shopping
and finished our Crimmus shopping.
my Bella works day shift tomorrow.
but it'll be a busy day indeed for me too.
i'll be durrin laundry, cleaning house,
wrapping presents, and packing up to go home on Friday.
Not to mention, having supper ready when she gets home
at oh......8- 8:30ish p.m.
i'm excited about going home.
but am a lil anxious about it too.
i hope & pray to the Goddess that it is all smooth sailing
and without any drama.
but seeing everybody will put a smile on my face,
and not just because i have a gas bubble building up.
in the midst of our shopping today,
i JAMMED to my girl, Reba.
* ALL HAIL THE GODDESS, REBA *
i listened to " The Heart Won't Lie "
like a million times.
( Okay, just 3 or 4. )
" And Still "
" I'm A Survivor "
" Whoever's In New England "
ALL pumped through our car's stereo system today.
i'mma tell yall,
listenin to Reba,
dang,
that just heals my soul right there.
Been readin up on Auras & Chakras...
VERY VERY fascinating.
Makes A LOT of sense.
I'll do more research and see where fate guide my spiritual side.
Today I used an Aura Cleansing method
to help calm down and de-stress my Bella.
and wha-doo-yah know!!
IT WORKED!!
HOT DAMN!!
the Purple was calm, shiny, and PWETTY today!!
i'll leave yall with the lyrics to one of my mostest favorite Reba songs...
but for now,
peace out, yall!!

Performed By: Reba McEntire & Vince Gill

Looking back over the years
Of All the things I've always meant to say
But words didn't come easily
So many times through empty fears
Of all the nights I tried to pick up the phone
So scared of who might be answering
You try to live your life from day to day
But seeing you across the room tonight
Just gives me away

'Cause the heart won't lie
Sometimes life gets in the way
But there's one thing that won't change
I know I've tried
The heart won't lie
You can live your alibi
Who can see you're lost inside a foolish disguise
The heart won't lie

Long after tonight
Will you still hear my voice through the radio
Old desires make us act carelessly
Long after tonight, after the fire
After the scattered ashes fly
Through the four winds blown and gone
Will you come back to me?
You try to live your life from day to day
But seeing you across the room tonight
Just gives me away

'Cause the heart won't lie
Sometimes life gets in the way
But there's one thing that won't change
I know I've tried
The heart won't lie
You can live your alibi
Who can see you're lost inside a foolish disguise
The heart won't lie

The heart won't lie

It Ain't Dun Yet

spent 4 hours
working on my soul's self portrait.
the death of starlight,
the monster & creator of my fears,
both lie at the bottom within gray clouds.
then the rainbow,
with my boys, my grandma, cheryl, liz,
my girl scout symbol,
my golden girls,
& the sun, at the top,
to represent my Nana.
my painting is a story of change,
my metamorphisis.
from where i was,
to where i am.
yet, i am finding that it isn't complete.
cheryl pointed that symbolism out to me.
i cannot figure out what is missing.
hmmm...
something to ponder
while takin a dook on the pooper.

Gone To Carolina In My Mind

Carolina In My Mind Lyrics
In my mind
I'm going to Carolina.
Can't you see the sunshine,
can't you just feel the moonshine?
Ain't it just like a friend of mine to hit me from behind?
Yes, I'm going to Carolina in my mind.
Karen she's the silver sun,
you best walk her way and watch it shine,
watch her watch the morning come.
A silver tear appearing now I'm crying, ain't I?
I'm going to Carolina in my mind.
There ain't no doubt in no ones mind
that loves the finest thing around,
whisper something soft and kind.
And hey, babe, the sky's on fire,
I'm dying, ain't I?
I'm going to Carolina in my mind.
In my mind I'm going to Carolina.
Can't you see the sunshine,
can't you just feel the moonshine?
Ain't it just like a friend of mine to hit me from behind?
Yes, I'm going to Carolina in my mind.
Dark and silent late last night,
I think I might have heard the highway calling.
Geese in flight and dogs that bite.
And signs that might be omens say
I'm going, going, going to Carolina in my mind.
With a holy host of others standing round me,
still I'm on the dark side of the moon.
And it seems like it goes on like this forever,
you must forgive me
if I'm up and in my mind I'm going to Carolina,
can't you see the sunshine can't you just feel the moonshine?
Ain't it just like a friend of mine to hit me from behind?
Yes, I'm going to Carolina in my mind.
In my mind I'm going to Carolina.
Can't you see the sunshine, can't you just feel the moonshine?
Ain't it just like a friend of mine to hit me from behind?
Yes, I'm going to Carolina in my mind.
Gotta make it back home again soon,
gotta make it back on home again soon,
gotta make it back to Carolina soon,
can't hang around,
no babe,
gotta make it back home again,
gotta make it back to Carolina soon...

Looking Into The Mirror

okie dokies.
so last night,
my Bella LAID the SMACKDOWN on me.
OMFG!!
i slept ALL DAY today.
hmmm... moving on.
tonight i watched this show on TLC entitled
" The Boy Whose Skin Fell Off "
i HIGHLY reccomend yall watch it if you see it on.
it'll DEFINATELY put things into perspective for yall.
it made me feel as if my disability,...
was nothing more than a different color jacket.
nothing note worthy.
why?
because it is what is on the inside that makes us who we are.
and this program,
validated my belief.
it made me realize that anyone can make an impact.
all you have to do is:
dare to dream and believe it.
that's one of my resolutions for 2006.
to dream, believe, and see.
because after all, what is it that they tell the children?
seeing isn't believing, believing is seeing.
i'll believe in myself, my love, who i am, my family, my friends,
my Bella, my life, my heart & soul.
2006 will be a great year for me,
i can feel it.
adversities and strife no doubt,
will try to become obstacles to block the progression of my journey.
i will kick and scream to let out my frustrations,
but it is then and only then will i defeat the hurdles set before me.
in my past, i have confided to my closest friends that one of my goals in life
is to make an impact on somebody's life
in the manner that my Nana made an impact on my own life.
but i think that instead, maybe in 2006 i will get a bit selfish.
perhaps i'll do my damnedest to make that impact on MY OWN life...
and in doing that,
i believe i can accomplish the Herculean task of making an impact on someone else's life.
because if i better myself
by believing in myself, trusting myself,
having more faith myself, and even beginning to love myself...
then i know i will be in a better position to give more to the people in my life.
i can see it now,
the purple rays of light
poking out from behind the cloud of my past.
my future is looking bright.

She Brought Down The Champ

Okay so let's see
My Bella called out Saturday night
She felt sick & still doesn't feel well
I cooked her my Brown Rice & Porkchops
Afterwards, we played Uno, The Family Guy Edition
She won 3 outta 5 games,...
DAMNIT.
She BEAT ME!!
ACHK!!
I'M THE UNDISPUTABLE UNO CHAMP OF THE WORLD!!
( Well on Jackson Avenue, at least. )
Sunday we went to the In-Laws for Lunch
Yummy
Yesterday & today my Bella still doesn't feel well.
I'm tryin to give her lot-o-luvin and sweet kisses to help her feel better...
I did my 4th canvas acrylic painting...
I think it blows a monsterous fart,
Cheryl likes it.
Its the Ocean at night, with the moon's reflection on the water.
I've got to write out our Crimmus cards today.
Maybe I'll paint today too.
Who knows what the day may bring!

Botticelli & An Early Crimmus

today i went to the liberry wid muh mama-in-law
i looked up some botticelli
and made photo copies
i know i could get the pics in color if i wanted to
but i just wanted my lil collection
only 1 more botticelli picture to get-
my favorite
primavera
then i'mma get some van gogh
gotta love that starry night
tomorrow a.m.
i'm goin wid da mama-in-law again
but we're goin to wally world, roses, kmart ( I HATE KMART ), & bi-lo
i gave Cheryl her paintings today
i couldn't wait until Crimmus
she says she loves them
me thinks i have found a new hobby;
painting
the purple is glistening & shining through...

Gifts & Harley's Ass

its been a while...
let's see...
the family drama thing is resolved...
went to my therapist & psychiatrist...
all is well.
we got our Crimmus tree & decorated it...
its SOOO cool!!
OUR FIRST CRIMUUS TREE!!
we went crimmus shopping and stuff...
i got my Bella her presents...
the main part i had to make,
so i REALLY hope she likes it....
Hint: took 3 hours to make, my hand hurts, & it has chinese symbols
all is well in my world...
looks like Harley's gonna be okay,
haven't seen any worms at all comin out his butt.
goin to the liberry in da mornin with the Mommy In Law
so i best go get some rest...
peace yall.

Misery, Love, Tink, Sarah, & Neverland

* FiRST OF ALL, MY BELLA & I MADE IT PAST OUR 8 MONTH ANNiVERSARY ( WHiCH WAS 11.29.05 ), i FORGOT TO WRiTE iT iN MY JOURNAL, i'M SORRY BELLA, i LOVE YOU WiTH ALL MY HEART & SOUL, YOU'RE MY MUSE, MY ANGEL, i LOVE YOU *
So I was thinking,
If Thanksgiving is any indication/inclination of Crimmus,
Then yall say a prayer for me to your Higher Power.
Grant me the patience of a Nun in prison.
What is it they say,
Misery loves company?
I was thinking bout the ppl I know who are miserable,
Starlight, my sperm donor, an Aunt, and a few others I know.
It has taken me until just now to understand
That it is THEM with the problem,
NOT me.
These ppl,
They lash out at EVERYBODY in their lives.
ESPECIALLY ppl they love and ppl that care about them.
I.E. - Starlight. I carried guilt around for a long time because of her.
Guilt because I didn’t love her enough, the right way, too much, or true enough.
Guilt because maybe I hurt her.
Guilt because maybe I gave up on her.
Guilt because I couldn’t save her from herself.
The girl I met in the bar that first night,
The girl I once adored,
I’ll forever have a place in my heart for her.
But the monstroncity, the metal faced, self destructive emotional vampress
she has become,
It is not my fault.
No doubt,
I said some things and did some things
That weren’t so nice.
But not enough for her demise.
Until she wants the help,
She will continue to lead the life she is leading.
She can say many things about me.
I am horrible, I did this, I said this, yada, yada, yada…
But what she cannot say is that I did not love her.
Because I did,
I did love her.
To a fault, through and through.
I ignored all the destruction, the drama, everything.
Why?
Because I loved her.
I loved her without boundaries.
And I think that is what life is about,
Because in the end,
That is what we are all left with.
I am Sarah. I have a wonderful future Wife, a kinda psychotic, bat boy / Yoda / Flying Nun Shithead for a dog. I love my twins, my Grandma ( I love being her favorite grandchild too, I know that’s arrogant but oh well its my flaw, not yours so get over it ), Reba, Rosie, Angelina, writing in my journal ( that btw, I rarely spell check, but will make a conscious effort about doing so, LoL ), I love my Golden Girls, my friends, my memories, my Nana, I can be sweet as molasses, Bitchy as anything, Ditsy, Witty, Smartass, Corny, I have my ups, I have my downs, I love my fairies, I write my Bella love letters, I make her laugh until she cries, I think Bug Zappers are the ultimate entertainment (does anyone agree with me here?! ), I think and say the things no one else has the balls to. I love a challenge, I grew up but still have some to do…therein is the irony, Femmes and Butchies…I searched for my Neverland for so long, I ran into dead ends, broken hearts, broken roads, but…when Tink grew up,…Sarah found her Neverland. I have found me, my happiness, my life.


Btw, I just ordered Heartguard Plus for Harley, so tyvm.

Me, Buddah...You, Sukk

harley is dewormed.
almost got a 6 week old yellow lab.
he was SO cute!!
being fostered by a blonde chickadee,
abandoned at SPCA at a too young age.
he had these adorable crooked eyes.
he was so cute & funny.
guess it isn't meant to be;
the universe has its own way
of showing you your path to take.
hissy fits,
disapointment,
and slight anger,
melt way and succomb
to fate and destiny.
what is meant to be will be.
others we cannot change;
only from within
can any change be made.
rub my belly;
clear purple i see,
Buddah
i am tonight.