FARTS

Hey yall, I've been a lil lax on my fart stories. So, I'm gonna post quite a few that'll have your eyes watering up & tummy hurting from laughter. Happy farting!!
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When my son, Patrick, was about 6 years old, we were at a department store close to Christmas with two of his twin friends of the same age. I was looking at the book section, thumbing through some potential present for someone, and there were alot of people around. The boys were standing behind me, and I thought it would be funny to slip a wind where they could hear it, but act like nothing had happened, just to see their reaction. Well, I let one rip and the kids started to chuckle just as I had anticipated. But then, one of the twins comes over and sniffs at my butt and says very loud, 'OOOOOhhhhhh', and the two other boys came to stick their noses in too. Then they were all three standing there, next to my behind holding their noses and making a big commotion. Finally, I had to walk away. Now that was one that really backfired
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Being a pilot for many years I was on a trip to Mexico City one Sunday afternoon. As we turned on our final approach I let out some bad gas. I was flying with the chief pilot and pointed out that we were flying right over the Sunday bull fights. My chief pilots finally gets my gas in his nostrils and says "Shit, I can smell those sons a bitches all the way up here"!! I just sat there and the tears were streaming down my cheeks.
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My wife and I had just turned in for the night on a warm windless spring night at our home in the country. Because of the muggy evening we opened the window and curtains of our second story bedroom. Approximately two hundred yards away, across the country road that led to our house, was a marsh full of chirping frogs that had recently began serenading us each night. We both began drifting off as we listened to the soothing song of the frogs. In my peaceful relaxed state I let off the longest and loudest fart I had emitted in our six years of marriage. The frogs immediately went silent from the window rattling expulsion of gas I had produced. In disbelief my wife said "Oh my God, you made the frogs stop croaking!" The pride I felt was indescribable. The frogs were so frightend they didn't make a sound for a good thirty minutes. My wife has shared our experience with several people leading me to believe that she is very proud of me also.
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The creation of the 'SNART'
Scene 1: The setting is the opulent abode of certain rich relatives which the family were visiting. Needless to say, farting in this environment was strictly forbidden and the strain was beginning to show. Those who knew him well could detect the faint colonic rumblings which we knew would spell the end of polite society.
Scene 2: The rumblings increasing, he feels the need for release and excuses himself from the group. The excuse he made was feeble, so terrifying was the gaseous buildup that even his creativity was quenched. The familiy watched him leave the room in silence, waiting with bated breath for what only we knew would soon follow.
Scene 3: Suddenly horror strikes!!! The farter is desperately trying to reach the safe haven of the bathroom when the unspeakable happens. A sneeze, two sneezes!!! All is silent. Then without warning, a third. Coupled with the thrid sneeze came a momentary loss of rectal control, but that was all that was needed. The loudest, longest, smelliest, rumbliest fart that the world has smelt exploded from his arse at terrifying speed.
Scene 4: After a brief moment of uncomfortable silence, laughter ensues (among desperate gasps for air and tearing coughs). The 'SNART' was born. (Sneeze + Fart = Snart).
Epilouge: The 'polite society' of the posh relatives was somewhat strained. They never spoke of the incident again, although it should be mentioned that my father often related this story as the defining moment of a long and lustrous career as an arse bandit.
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The Bathtub Fart:People who would never in their life know one fart from another, who would like to act like farts don't exist, will have to admit that a Bathtub Fart is something special. It is the only fart you can see! What you see is the bubbles. The Bathtub Fart can be either single or multiple noted and fair or foul as to odor. It makes no difference. The farter's location is what does it. Maybe there is a kind of muffled pong and one big bubble. Or there may be a ping ping ping and a bunch of bubbles. The sound I should point out depends somewhat on the depth of the water and even more on the tub. If it is one of those big old heavy tubs with the funny legs you can get terrific sound effects. While one of the new thin ones half buried in the floor can be disappointing. But either way, as long as the water is deep enough, whatever the sound, up comes the bubble or bubbles and you have to be quick but glance back over your shoulder and you have seen it, the Bathtub Fart, the most positively identifiable fart known to man. It is a common fart and strictly for your own enjoyment unless you are a kid still young enough to take baths with your friends.
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What's the definition of bravery? A man with diarrhea chancing a fart!
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You're so poor: You had to fart in your pocket to make a scent.
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What did the maxi-pad say to the fart? You are the wind beneath my wings.
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What do you call "fart" in German? Farfrompoopin!
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Your ass is so tight: You fart and only dogs can hear it.
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Laugh and the world laughs with you; fart and they'll stop laughing.
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Confucius say:Man who fart in church sit in own pew.
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