so together, but so broken up inside.

okay so let's have an update.
i went home to Florence and had a fabulous time.
friends and family always warm the heart.
our friend, matt, came down yesterday and took some amazing pictures
which will be posted later.
therapy...
therapy.
evidently, i am doing well in the grieving process,
but not so well in actually facing the residual anger issues.
you see,
while my Y Chromosome DNA Donor was alive and kickin
i had all of my anger issues tucked away nicely in this little corner in my mind.
its been collecting dust for approximately 26 years and has been perfectly nonchalant,
which has suited me and my life quite perfectly.
you see, it was because he was alive was why it was so content just fermenting in the corner.
there was always a .00000001% chance of things actually being resolved.
now, with that chance utterly dissipated, it isn't okay anymore.
it has festered into a rather unsightly boil.
it cannot be ignored any longer.
so in the forthcoming therapy sessions, this will be a pugnacious discussion, no doubt.
the therapist paralleled the trauma i sustained from this "specimen" to PTSD .
i doubt it was that serious, as i was not sexually abused by him.
but the things that i have witnessed, the things that i have perceived,...
it is and was traumatic to me.
when i was hitting my prepubescent stage,
my stepmother went and brought me bras to try on,
but made me model them in front on him,
and he squeezed them, as in 'the girls', all the while laughing at me.
the screams that i heard from her bedroom will forever pierce my eardrums.
the forceful grabbing of my hair and yanking it to tell me reba was a slut...
no child should endure.
and i think that is why i am so adamant about wanting to have children.
i want to give my child what he couldn't (well perhaps, wouldn't) give to me.
i don't think that my wife comprehends that.
i know she doesn't want children,
as she feels she isn't fit for it,
combined with her age.
and i DO understand that.
i do assimilate her rationale.
i firmly believe with all of my heart and soul that in order to heal all of the infliction caused by this imbecile, this is what i need/want to do.
selfish as it may be,
i feel an inner calling for this,...
something that goes deeper than the soul.
i want to undo the catastrophe left in the path of his wake.
i want to make this a better world.
my secret obsession is reading lesbian TTC blogs.
and that doesn't help matters any.
after this entire april fools' joke fiasco, my mom mentioned that i'd better not ever get pregnant.
my retort to that is that medical science has advanced in light years as opposed to the 80's circa era.
or i could adopt.
listen,
i love my wife beyond what words can construe.
she has been there for me when i was truly at my rock bottom,...
but this,....this calling,....this thirst goes deeper than i can try to even convey to you.
i don't want to lose her because there is no one else i want to have a family with.
when i dance in this reverie of my ideal family,
i see me and her and a child.
that makes my heart whole.
it makes my soul whole.
its like, everything inside of me would unite and FINALLY be on the same page.
i do not want to lose her, but i cannot ignore this...ambition...this purpose.
i am torn.
torn into pieces, as kelly clarkson sings.
and it weighs heavily on my heart and soul.
everything works itself outs.
it always does.
and everything has its reason.
i am an avid believer in those.
i have to be.
i have to hold that faith...
what else is there?

"I told you everything
Opened up and let you in
You made me feel alright
For once in my life
Now all that's left of me
Is what I pretend to be
So together, but so broken up inside
'Cause I can't breathe
No, I can't sleep
I'm barely hangin' on

Here I am, once again
I'm torn into pieces
Can't deny it, can't pretend
Just thought you were the one
Broken up, deep inside
But you won't get to see the tears I cry..."

happy april fools, bitch.

i haven't really felt like writing lately...
i've been battling myself to not withdraw into my head.
nothing good can come from that.
i'm trying to talk it all out.
so, let me catch you up...
my biggest fear came true,
biological warefare in the shower, redux.
those six words sum it up best, i think.
i managed to mischeviously and rather wickedly to get my parents involved in my april fool's joke on my sister.
she still is unaware of this.
i tell you,
artificial insemination is a bitch!!
lol.
yea, right.
my mom got all serious and was like,
"you'd better not ever get pregnant."
well damn, talk about putting a pin to my balloon.
maybe i'll consider adoption...?
i'll cross that bridge when i get to it.
i've decided how i'm to fill my summer this year,
playing susie homeaker to my beloved,
with lunch fresh out our garden.
perhaps a bit of another venture on that avenue, too.
i've been catching up on all my schoolwork for the past few days
and my head feels all fried.
fried like mid june- forgot to put sunblock on- and you've been on the beach since 10 am and its now 5 pm- kinda fried.
mmm,...
i hear summertime calling my name.
that means i must cross the hurdle of turning 26.
/sigh.
arthritis, tendonitis,
back issues, allergies from hell,
and other unmentionables...
oh joy.
and i saw where NKOTB are coming back from the boy band beyond for a 20 year reunion.
god damn, i'm old.
/sigh.
jackass and harley have been doing well.
jackson's infection has faded away, thank bob.
anyways, here are some pictures i feel speak for themselves.
peace out, whores.

wiley bastards.

things have a funny way of always working out for the best.
our fuck up (okay well, mostly mine) isn't gonna throw us out of whack as much as we thought.
damn at&t.
it turns out liz is going to europe this summer,
and her friend shauna gets to see my wife #2 this summer.
me?
well the wife (#1) and i are building a house.
i'm super excited about that,
but i'd be lying if i said i wasn't jealous of liz and shauna.
this weekend should be nice and relaxing.
i was avoiding giving Honey a To-Do list,
but Harley's escape from base camp has inevitably provided her with such a list.
she will be ecstatic about such pleasures.
speaking of such animal escapades,
some frisky lil squirrel has been digging in my potted flowers on our front porch.
not cool, not cool.
tomorrow, pepper corns will go in that flower pot.
yea, we'll see who's asshole hurts then.
snarky assed bastard.
vengence will be mine.

coo-coo for coa-coa puffs.

gazing over their graves for the first time wasn't as easy as i thought,
nor was finding out through the grapevine that apparently i am an aunt.
my therapist says i must change the dialogue in my head.
i must find a way to just be okay with it all.
i am shyly determined to find a way, yet i can feel myself retracting.
i don't want that,
but sometimes it just seems so much easier to just withdraw
and keep to myself.
i even told Honey that i don't want a birthday party this year.
just feed this pig her freeman's bakery cake in my trough and we'll be alright.
i just completed a jm barrie book
and shakespeare's a midsummer night's dream.
such classics have a way of reigniting the imagination of us mortal fools.
Honey worked in the yard and it is spectacular!!
i'll have to post pictures soon.
its overdue for some puppy pictures anyways.
anyways, me and my fruit loops are going to bed.

mindless ramblings.

evidently my saying,
"my dad killed himself and his wife in a drunk driving accident" with a smile stretched from ear to ear upon my face
not ONLY makes him NOT a victim,
but expresses my anger towards him,
so says my therapist.
niiice.
and this took all those years of college to determine?
she suggested my "leaving the door open" to thou "grandmother who hangeth up on her grand daughter".
i'm unsure if i agree to that...
i mean, the cons outweigh the pros on this scales, so says my own little libra.
and i am inclined to believe that!!
posted within this entry are two pics the wife took of mah new hair.
i'm feelin the color but not so much the big circa 1980s big hair.
yeah. not cool.
i'm lookin a bit porkish too,
i'm debating on trying to find the lazy person's diet.
/sigh.
yeah.
whatever.
thank good my honey was okay tonight,
it sker'd me so terribly that i ran across the yard AT NIGHT with NO FLASHLIGHT.
mind you, its just about springtime, bitches.
yea,...
if THAT ain't devotion, i dunno what the fuck is.
i'm tired, i'm sleepy,
so i'mma go read one of mah three new books i bought.
word to ya mama, whores,
peace.

my darling...

i hope you should know that until i draw my last breath,
you will always have a soft place to fall.

this weekend.

a spontaneous trip to myrtle beach to see a car show,
a FABULOUS thunderstorm on the way from mb to florence,
to the fat black chicks in the chinese restaurant,
the waitress who couldn't recollect the name of which grandmother she knew,
my obvious emotions when revealing that dear old pops offed himself and his wife,
to my glorious stoned aunts and cousin,...
it was a GREAT short trip home.
this week shall be busy...
tomorrow is our one year wedding anniversary.
we are going out to eat to celebrate.
tuesday i have therapy (thank goddess),
wednesday i have an appointment with my math teacher,
and thursday i have my social security appointment.
then, there's this weekend.
oh and btw,
i got muh hair did.
i'll get the wife to take a pic tomorrow so yall can see.
peace out, whores.

pictures.

dogs and biological warfare.

the loyalty of a dog can exceed beyond anything.
i am so lucky to have my two babies,
i'd just be devestated without them.
harley is such a pussified mama's boy,
whilst jackass is mr fiercely independent Loki, reincarnated.
i'm so irritated with the vet we chose for jackass's surgery.
you get what you pay for, i assume.
his hoo-hoo is infected.
get this,...because he's licking it.
although we're supposed to "discourage" it,
the vet doesn't supply the 'cone collar.'
fucking bastards.
he best be glad honey went and not i.
yea.
i'd have been the bitch from hell.
grrrr....
anyways,
have you ever been experiencing an intimate moment with your better half,
only to be the victim of biological warfare?
jeebus effin shit,...that'll make terrorists talk.
seriously.
oh mah gawd.
i'm being treated for a respiratory infection from that unfathomable stench.
pray for my speedy recovery,
thank you.

memories.

isn't it funny how a sound or smell can destroy dams that held back memories,
some we tried to forget and hid frantically,
while some father time has called upon.
my honey unintentionally released a flood of those very memories i thought i'd permenantly deleted.
its okay because she didn't mean to, hell, she didn't know what the snap of the belt would do to me.
only four people knew,
and two are now dead.
as the belt snapped,
i stumbled backwards into the corner and my eyes shut as a movie of those damned memories played.
no child should ever hear those sounds.
she was just a child...an innocent child.
...anyways.
i hope i can sleep tonight,
because last night's nightmares held me captive as the gory scenes played out.
it was sickening,
horrid,
disgusting,
and horrifying.
anyways, here's movie numero deux.
unmute the speakers, and listen up.
i know its long and rather boring,
but here are my reba/kelly concert pictures (in sequential order),
with two of my ALL TIME FAVORITE kelly clarkson songs to help speed things up for ya.

turn up ya volume and enjoy, friends.

its raining, its pouring...

the stresses and worries keep mounting,
seemingly unsurmountable for the time being.
school,
the damn fish tank,
this trust fund stuff,
my cell phone,
my "sister"...
what will be the straw to break this camel's back?

fakin it.

i am craving a good read.
i want another book that can rival Running With Scissors.
the sadistic humor titillates me to no end.
maybe i'm craving it because right now i'm feeling quite cynical.
i've reached that stage in the "grieving process."
i have become (temporarily) cynical and quite bitter.
i could say so many thing to lash out at various people whom i want to sting.
but it would accomplish nothing,
and merely spread the venom already spewed by the poor excuse of a daddy.
yes, i am bitter.
bitter as hell at the moment.
it will soon pass,
most likely after aunt flo leaves.
somewhere in the hallways of my mind,
i question whether or not justice was truly served.
i mean, really.
maybe because i don't believe in the whole heaven or hell thing,
maybe that's why i am having a difficult time
in believing if justice was served.
i mean, i can justify my reasons for which i question it,
but it would fall on deaf ears to those i just want to stand atop the roof and scream it to.
(my wife excluded, because the wonderful rock of sanity that she is,
understands it all and i have undying gratitude, love, and respect for her.)
i hope this phase soon passes, because i do not admire it.
maybe i can be a faker, like him,
and just pretend to believe in an almighty entity so that i won't go mad wondering if justice was served.
but then,
i'd be no better than him.
i find christians dispicable.
in the words of Idgie Threadgoode from Fried Green Tomatoes,

I'VE SEEN THOSE SAME PEOPLE
OVER AT CHURCH ON SUNDAY...
OVER AT THE RIVER CLUB
EVERY OTHER NIGHT
OF THE WEEK,
DOIN' ANYTHING
BUT PRAY.

buncha fakers.
i recall this one time back in 2000,
i went with my friend to her youth group at a nondenominational church.
every wednesday they'd sing and carry on,
feeling "the spirit" and crying and waving their arms into the air.
i will admit,
the atmosphere in the room was very charged.
very inspirational, at best.
then there were those who'd "spread the word" about saving themselves for marriage,
(which i don't disagree with)
BUT, the only thing they were spreading were their legs and STDs.
i remember sitting there singing these ridiculous songs
wondering if anybody else in there was faking it like me.
ha.

/sigh.

enough of this.
my hands hurt and i am tired of typing,
so g'night.

babies.

click HERE to see mah babies.

dogs, baseball, fish, and sisters.

the dogs are healing nicely.
jackass was sleepy all day yesterday and his incision aint pretty.
harley's teeth were actually clean already (so said the vet tech),
but his breath is WONDERFUL now!!
wahoo!!
...wonder how long that'll last?

because of jackass,
i couldn't go to Flotown this weekend.
gotta keep a close eye on him.
sucks too,
because alex's baseball games started this weekend.
in the words of dorothy,
"this is one of those times where you've got to pretend to love your kids..."

our fish tank is beginning to turn green again.
guess i'll clean it out again,
and start from scratch AGAIN.
hey, we got about 3 to 4 weeks this time.

so my 15 year old sister got into a minor fender bender
in front of a certain red antique house in Florence.
no coincidences, right?

well my Mama talks to a relative of my step mom's,
who tells her all about my 21 year old sister.
apparently she can't talk to me because she doesn't know her head from her ass.

then i happen to see her myspace header,
and it says "rip mommy & daddy"
my bp shot the hell up.

i am so hurt, mad, and down right angry at her.
i mean, wtf,
i can see her true colors now.
just like dad didn't think much of me,
she doesn't either.
screw that.

and ya know,
its not about the money.
i never had it,
so it makes no damn difference to me that i'm not gonna have it.
but shit.


this makes me question her integrity and sincerity
all these years when we tried to be friends.
her actions (rather, lack thereof) as of now
make me think she only had something to do with me while they were alive
just to spite them,
not because she actually cared.
i'm just another expendable piece of shit to her,
just like dad thought of me.

all i know as of now,
is that i am hurt that she has ostrasized me for whatever reason she could possibly have.


she has burned this bridge.

just like he did.

update.

today is baby's one year birthday!!
aww.
seems like a damn lie.
on the 6th, he gets his balls chopped off.
happy birthday, son!!

my back has decided it is time to flake out again.
the wondrous joys of being incapable of standing up alone are phenominal!!

the trip home to florence was GREAT!!
we got to see matt but not ashes.
i wish we'd gotten to see her too.
my family is (psycho, but) great.
my brothers are too damn old.
gawd, let's not start on my sister!!

on sunday i checked the level in our tank,
which did clear up somewhat.
the water did soften up,
but the nitrate/nitrite levels were SKY HIGH,
and the PH was still above 7.6.
so i did do another round of the easy balance.
right now its just milky,
but hey, anything's better than neon green!!

i must retire to mah lazy boy,
with a stinky breath dog,
because my back is hurting again.

and because i am a shameless puppy mommy,
i dutifully instruct you to look HERE.

ॐ

sleep deprivation shall not get the better of me!!
slimy bastard.

/sigh.

on the up and up,
i am excited about going home today.

our fish tank.
goddess bless it.
what is that prayer the christians say?
something to the effects of:

"God, give us grace to accept with serenity the things that cannot be changed, courage to change the things that should be changed, and the wisdom to distinguish the one from the other."

yea well, i may not be a christian,
but damn, i could sure use that montra to aide me in my aquarium woes.

ramblings, part deux.

much to the m-i-l and lovey's dismay,
kitty-kitty is here to stay.
for an avid dog lover i sure have grown quite fond of her.
yes.
i am a proud cat owner.
(its only a corner of hell that hath frozeth over.)

i am PMSing like crazy,
which has me all sentimental and crappola.
time to confess,
i have this secret addiction online...
i have a...certain...genre of blogs that i read daily.
and reading them in this time of month really isn't healthy.
its like carousing target when you only have $2 in cash,
payday is in 5 days, and you're almost outta gas.
its really isn't condusive.
yet there i am,
daily, the lesbian parenting blog addict that i am.
actually to be specific,
i am totally mesmerized by lesbians who are TTC.
the daily documentation of it all...
is so amazingly beautiful.

lovey says she doesn't want children.
part of me can understand that because of her...*ahem*
"years of wisdom".
but then there is a part of me that is drawn to it blindly.
like the sea turtles innately drawn back to the shore on which they were birthed.
the moon guides them.
i'm sure they don't know nor understand why they return to the same shores,
they just go where their bodies lead them.
and my body tells me that one day i''ll be a mommy.
i hope like crazy that lovey will choose to partake in that,
because truthfully,
i think that we would make an amazing little family.
there is nothing more in this entire world that she could do to make me more happy than making a family with me.

she's so cute when she gets frustrated with harley & jackson
(and yes, i realize that dogs are vastly different than children,
but romantasize with me and go with the flow).
us in our quiet, quaint little country home,
dogs, and (now) a kitty-kitty,...
i can't think of anything to better complete my life or my life with lovey.

now don't misconstrue what i am saying,
i dont wish to run out there to look for a baby daddy so lovey and i can be mommies by next year, no.
first comes school,
maturity,
then so forth.
i've often heard that if you wait until you're financially ready for a baby,
then it'll never happen.
i just hope against all hopes that lovey will choose to remain by my side for this when the time is right.

anyways,...
for now we have a fish tank that we (hopefully) have found the CORRECT solution to fixing.
i swear, that thing has me feelin dumber than f. gump himself.

i'm super excited about the remaining part of this week.
we get to see mason,
and we are going home to florence!!
i'm SO excited about that.
i miss my family something fierce.
i know lovey gets all flustered with all the chaos,
but i love it.
i know i'm home when i hear the boys yelling and carrying on.
(albeit that damn dog can go to hell.)
we're gonna get to see my friends, and family.
woohoo!!

i'm sleepy, so i'm going to bed.
peace out, whores.

ramblings.

i am so tired today.
i don't know why,
because my fat ass sat around all day until it was time for me to go meet my teacher at school.

/sigh.

we are going home this weekend.
yay!!
i can't wait.
i'm missing my family.
while we're there,
we're gonna get to see some of my friends.
i LOVE my friends,
they ROCK!!

honey made a horrid egg salad today without forwarning me.
that was just WRONG.
i opened the fridge and thought i was gonna barf right there.
that shit smells god awful.
i'd rather smell a pig's fart.
yuck.

i cant wait to get my hair did.
cut & color this time.
woohoo!!

anyways i cant think of anything else to say,
so i'm out like a queen at a Bette Midler concert.

to my bella.

more than you'll ever know.


I know living with me ain't always easy
I dam up emotions some men just let flow
But girl when you're not by my side I feel a part of me has died
'Cause I love you more than you'll ever know

More than life more than I've ever loved before
It's absurd and beyond words
I couldn't want you more
And when I try to pour my hear out to you
I'm not sure it shows
That I love you more than you'll ever know

I'm sure you've heard it said hearts have windows
But mine has doors a painful past has closed
Unless someday they open wide revealing feelings locked inside
I'll love you more than you'll ever know

More than life more than I've ever loved before
It's absurd and beyond words
I couldn't want you more
And when I try to pour my hear out to you
I'm not sure it shows
That I love you more than you'll ever know

Even when I pour my heart out to you
I'm not sure it shows
That I love you more than you'll ever know
Yes I love you more than you'll ever know