so together, but so broken up inside.

okay so let's have an update.
i went home to Florence and had a fabulous time.
friends and family always warm the heart.
our friend, matt, came down yesterday and took some amazing pictures
which will be posted later.
therapy...
therapy.
evidently, i am doing well in the grieving process,
but not so well in actually facing the residual anger issues.
you see,
while my Y Chromosome DNA Donor was alive and kickin
i had all of my anger issues tucked away nicely in this little corner in my mind.
its been collecting dust for approximately 26 years and has been perfectly nonchalant,
which has suited me and my life quite perfectly.
you see, it was because he was alive was why it was so content just fermenting in the corner.
there was always a .00000001% chance of things actually being resolved.
now, with that chance utterly dissipated, it isn't okay anymore.
it has festered into a rather unsightly boil.
it cannot be ignored any longer.
so in the forthcoming therapy sessions, this will be a pugnacious discussion, no doubt.
the therapist paralleled the trauma i sustained from this "specimen" to PTSD .
i doubt it was that serious, as i was not sexually abused by him.
but the things that i have witnessed, the things that i have perceived,...
it is and was traumatic to me.
when i was hitting my prepubescent stage,
my stepmother went and brought me bras to try on,
but made me model them in front on him,
and he squeezed them, as in 'the girls', all the while laughing at me.
the screams that i heard from her bedroom will forever pierce my eardrums.
the forceful grabbing of my hair and yanking it to tell me reba was a slut...
no child should endure.
and i think that is why i am so adamant about wanting to have children.
i want to give my child what he couldn't (well perhaps, wouldn't) give to me.
i don't think that my wife comprehends that.
i know she doesn't want children,
as she feels she isn't fit for it,
combined with her age.
and i DO understand that.
i do assimilate her rationale.
i firmly believe with all of my heart and soul that in order to heal all of the infliction caused by this imbecile, this is what i need/want to do.
selfish as it may be,
i feel an inner calling for this,...
something that goes deeper than the soul.
i want to undo the catastrophe left in the path of his wake.
i want to make this a better world.
my secret obsession is reading lesbian TTC blogs.
and that doesn't help matters any.
after this entire april fools' joke fiasco, my mom mentioned that i'd better not ever get pregnant.
my retort to that is that medical science has advanced in light years as opposed to the 80's circa era.
or i could adopt.
listen,
i love my wife beyond what words can construe.
she has been there for me when i was truly at my rock bottom,...
but this,....this calling,....this thirst goes deeper than i can try to even convey to you.
i don't want to lose her because there is no one else i want to have a family with.
when i dance in this reverie of my ideal family,
i see me and her and a child.
that makes my heart whole.
it makes my soul whole.
its like, everything inside of me would unite and FINALLY be on the same page.
i do not want to lose her, but i cannot ignore this...ambition...this purpose.
i am torn.
torn into pieces, as kelly clarkson sings.
and it weighs heavily on my heart and soul.
everything works itself outs.
it always does.
and everything has its reason.
i am an avid believer in those.
i have to be.
i have to hold that faith...
what else is there?

"I told you everything
Opened up and let you in
You made me feel alright
For once in my life
Now all that's left of me
Is what I pretend to be
So together, but so broken up inside
'Cause I can't breathe
No, I can't sleep
I'm barely hangin' on

Here I am, once again
I'm torn into pieces
Can't deny it, can't pretend
Just thought you were the one
Broken up, deep inside
But you won't get to see the tears I cry..."