Strong Enough

round and round it goes
the stress choking me
but i shall not let her see
i visualize the stress going round and round
going down the drain
down with the mess
fall away from me
fall away from my life
from our life
no doubt the next two months will test our strength
as individuals we'd sukk
and as a couple we kick ass
i have faith in that
if nothing else
she's not wandering aimlessly in the dark anymore
she's not alone in this adversity
in one hand
i have the light of hope and faith
with my other hand
i reach for her in the darkness
to let her know i am there
and she is not lost
it seems weird that i am not falling apart at the seams
that i am not buckling under the stress
i am standing strong
stronger than i ever was
staring into the bitter face of change
i see hope
i see our path
the darkness shall not entrance me
the disguise will not fool me into chaotic weak submission
i keep saying that this is what we both wanted anyways
to go home
its almost as if we've laughed in the face of the devil
and his co-conspirator, evil, is daring us to doubt
so we'll fold and take the easy way out
i have faced a bigger evil in my time
if my father couldn't bring me down
a little strife and adversity damn sure won't either
perhaps the mask i am wearing
it is the color of strength
she sees when she looks into my eyes
i'm thinking maybe its not a mask
maybe
just maybe
i am strong
i am strong enough for her
for us
for me
she and i are Blessed to have found each other
i am thoroughly and genuinely ecstatic that i have found me
i was scared of what was beneath my rough exterior
so many negative, nasty, raw emotions
all bubbling with nowhere to blow
now, i am in control
it is MY life
i control the anger,
the love,
the happiness,
the authenticity...
i control my breathing...
in and out it goes
the purple goes into my soul
and comes out
in and out...

Rambling

this is an old picture...What was i so shy about? Hmmm...I'mma TRUE Grandma's GiRL!!














okay this is me rambling...
i was looking through my saved mail
deleting old and unecessary crapola
and came across a few things i thought i'd share
whether they were funny or just sweet or whatever
-------------------------
this is an OLD convo i saved with Tray
he was down in the dumps
so i tried to cheer him up
he is a man of few words
so what words he does say
you tend to listen...
DCF825: I Love You Babe
DCF825: I mean that
-------------------------
i found this old quote psycho-bitch wrote
i asked her to write a damning quote about a girl
who broke my heart
it seems ironic the quote she wrote
it fits her so well
blackwidowcandystripe (1/24/05 6:31:51 PM): I find myself remembering you how we use to be, alone in the dark I try to hide these tears for you that i have cried. I am strong enough to say what's on my mind. your tears will stain your face. those you will not hide they will see the times you lied and take my broke heart so it may keep you safe inside. but all those feelings I had for you have died.
-------------------------
here i am talking to my brother, alex
this was in march earlier this year
isn't he SOOO sweet?!
Missycaulkins: I think you are a good sister!
PrincessTink427: Who's the best sister ever?!
Missycaulkins: You!!:-D
-------------------------
a lil letter from muh Bella when we first began dating
HOW FRIKKIN SWEET IS SHE?!
i am THE LUCKIEST girl EVER!!

Date: Mon, 18 Apr 2005 08:15:14
You truly are my heartsong. My heart sings with happiness and swells with my love for you. I thank God everyday for blessing me with you and pray that I bring you as much happiness as you do me. I cherish every nanosecond we have together and am overwhelmed with happiness knowing that we will be side by side as we experience this Journey of Life.I love you Sarah more than I ever thought I could possibly love anyone. I fell in love from the moment I laid eyes on you. Have a great day my Love; my Heart; my Song.Thank you for finding me.
-------------------------
another love letter from my Bella
she found the words to bring even me to my knees

Date: Sat, 4 Jun 2005
Dearest, Sweet Sarah, You have been in my thoughts all night. My spirit soars and my body ignites as my memory drifts back to the first day we met. My heart knew the moment we met that you were the one I would fall in love with. Sarah, I love you. I love you more and more with each passing day. I fell in love with your radiant beauty; your fiery passion; your intelligence and sharp wit. First and foremost it was your heart that captured me and holds me captive with your unconditional love, your compassion and commitment to those you love. Even as I type these words they still dont express the intensity of my emotions and feelings I have for you. You are the one for me. I will fight for you; for us, my Love. NEVER give up and ALWAYS believe in yourself. I believe in you, Sarah. I believe in us. You are one of the strongest women I know and I thank the Gods and Goddesses every day for bringing you into my life. You are MY sunshine. You are my heart. All of my love forever, Yours truly, Bella
-------------------------

Pretty Purple

today i had my therapy appt. with Dr G
i told her all about what happened
even down to my lil finger bein in a splint
she says i am making great progress
the fact that i stood my ground and took care of myself
on the whole dr custer thing & with this " native " problem
i did it
i believed in myself
so i took care of myself
Dr G has had me look into my anger
why it is there
who it is aimed at and why
suprisingly
a lot of it was aimed at myself
i was angry at myself for so long because i felt like i wasn't good enough for certain ppl
my dad
my mom
my step dad
my siblings
old friends
old loves
i always tried to please them in some way or another
to appease them
because i could never satisfy them
i became angry with myself
now that i am confronting this
my confidence is growing
and because of this
i now CAREFULLY choose who i want to have in my life
i am who i am
and the ppl who are in my life now
understand and accept that
my quirks
my " moments " (and if you know me, you know what i mean)
my good points
and my flaws (which are just my "signatures")
i am learning to take chances with ppl
such as learning to open up to the ppl in my life
i am slowly opening up to my mother
and that is hard for me to do
i was angry with her for so long
because i felt like she wasn't there when i needed her emotionally
the catch is, however,
if i don't open up to her and tell her i need her
she can't be there for me
like this whole thing with the friggin "native"
i cried to her on the phone
I CRIED TO MY MOTHER ON THE PHONE
i NEVER EVER would've let myself be THAT vulnerable to her
i sent her an email today
apologizing for what i put her and Steve through
and saying thank you for what all they've done for me
and asking if she has looked in her attic for furniture for our house
in reply i got:
" I’ll always love you and you will probably always make me laugh and cry and make me happy and angry. So I guess, things are just about right. Love ya, see ya. Mom "
i am taking baby steps in my self recovery/self cleansing/self discovery process
so i won't become overwhelmed by this whole thing
even Liz and Cheryl have said they are proud of the progress i am making
i am truly Blessed to have such a wonderful support system
i know that i am happy for the first time in a long time
the purple is so pretty

Luck Is A Lady....

so my luck got a lil bit worse...
saturday i went t take harley for a walk
slammed my finger in the door
* sigh *
lucky me
went to the ER and got Xrays
got a splint
and went on bout my way
spent saturday night with leeds & angie
harley played with sugarbear all night long
they're so cute together!!
today we cancelled our gym membership,
withdrew cheryl from class,
raided super walmart for boxes,
and spoke to the apartment manager...
she was a damn bitch of course
said they weren't responcible for what happened
but the the guy lived in gov't apt.s here
so she'd have him evicted anyways
she gave some bullshit reason as to why the apt.s courtesy officer never called us back
she also said it was $500 to break the lease
so....
liz might come fri night and saturday
to help me pack while cheryl's at work
she'll take harley to linda saturday when she goes home to flo.
cheryl's momma may come either saturday or sunday morning
to help us load the u-haul sunday
i cannot WAIT to move
a 3 bedroom adorable house
small town
in the country
screened in back porch
1 hour from florence
30 from columbia
30 from santee
1 hour from charleston
it'll be a relief to get it all done
after we get settled in
i get to get my dog for good!
woohoo!!
anyways
thats whats up in my neck of da woods
peace luv n chicken butt, yall

More Thoughts On Today...

ya know
tonight we have heard from everybody
our friends and family have really stepped up to bat for us
that means the world to us
so we begin a new journey together
we were planning on moving anyways
just sooner than originally thought
fate has a way of showing you where to go
and it catches your attention
thats for damn sure
i am scared of all this
its so overwhelming
i am hesitant of switching Voc Rehabs
i like my case worker
and my therapist is super
my mind is just SO over loaded with thoughts
racing in a million different directions
we have so much to do
i can't believe i cried today
like the levees in new orleans
it just gave way
i've not cried like that
since...
i cannot even remember
i am thankful i was kept safe
cheryl is right....
we are just so upset because we realized how vulnerable we are
and that is truly scary!
it could've gone way worse than what did happen
thank you Nana & Papa for watching over me
i hope it will go well with the management people
if not
we already have a lawyer
i am so ready to be back in a small town
with stars and dirt roads
and smiles and nice people
i am definately NOT a big city girl
even danny and my mama linda were worried
that was super sweet of them
and according to TB
CW2 is fast approaching
"to finish off what our grandfathers didn't"
LoL
gotta love them good ol' country boys
i cried to my own (biological) Mother on the phone
and shoot
i even told her i loved her!
talk about miracles and making progress!!
speaking of making progress...
on my "my name is earl" checklist,
i can cross off the last ex
...or the first...
however you wanna look at it
i took responcibility for my words and actions
i asked forgiveness
ya know
growing up aint as bad as i thought it would be
hard
yes
but not bad
"life has a funny, funny way....of helping you out...of helping you out..."
even she was worried and expressed concern about today's events
Texas even called
she wished me well on all this

Cheryl-
i love you, mon femme Bella. thank you for being there for me today. you kept me strong even through the tears. we will come through this okay. we are so fortunate...we trully are. i love you, my sunshine. *MuAh*

Muther Fukkers

Today, I had a quite nasty little incident. I went to the corner gas station for my Marlboros and a Coca Cola...I got harrassed, bombarded, and intimidated by the "natives", the customers of the station...who also happen to live in our apartments. One older man singled me out and more or less invited himself into my car for a ride back to the apartments. Mind yall, Cheryl NOR I know ANYBODY within our apartments. We keep to ourselves all the time. We go home to both Orangeburg & Florence to visit with friends and family members. Anyways...The man in my car lets me know that he knows when I am at home by myself and that he knows it is more than just a "roomate" situation, and that he knows i have brought my dog here for a visit. This situation has rattled Cheryl & I both to our bones. We are frankly scared shitless. We filed an intimidation incident report with the Police, and we requested a Patrol car patrol within the apartment grounds tonight. We called our lawyer friend in Cola, who advised us to take the incident report with us to the Managers first thing Monday morning to see if we can get out of our lease. (She's been here for a few years and he current lease is up at the end of February.) My Mother-In-Law-to-Be has assurred us that we will be able to rent one of their houses from them (them being Cheryl's parents) as soon as we want. We are both completely stressed and shaken up. OMFG this SUKKS!! We both came undone and cried and cried. Not that crying will help resolve the situation...But i grew up in Florence...I am NOT accustomed to this...Needless to say, we are moving soon as possible! I hope and pray to the Goddess that we can escape the lease. Cheryl will drive back & forth to work until she can find a job closer to Orangeburg...atleast that's the plan for now anyways. God please watch us and see us through...

An Insightful Progression

When I look into the mirror,
I am startled by what I see;
I see Hope.
For so long,
The reflection I saw was Ugly,
Distorted,
Angry,
Jealous,
Hurt,
Disappointed;
A Sad Monster
Who’d completely lost herself
In this journey called life.
For so long,
I teeter-totted on that fragile edge
Of logic and insanity.
I was on a misguided route
To do unto the world
The misgivings that’d been done to me.
I hurt many people while
Meandering pointlessly in the darkness.
People I love, and have loved,
I felt like I wasn’t important in their lives.
The truth in that
Is I wasn’t important to myself.
Anger was my only friend
All other emotions terrified me
I was afraid to love those the closest to me;
If I allowed myself
To be capable of loving
Then it would only end up hurting me.
In my lashing out
Irreparable damage done to those around me.
Perhaps this is where wisdom permeates my very being
To allow my soul to heal.
Self destructiveness was my defense mechanism
Many a friendship and past loves hurt by that precise action of mine.
There are ones to whom my apologies have played like a broken record
They doubt the sincerity
And that I can understand.
But I am sorry for foolishly hurting
My loved ones
It has hurt not only them
But my own self as well.
So now here I sit
6 feet back from the ledge
I can see the ominous abyss from which I have risen,
Much like the Phoenix,
I am reborn.
I am on the path on which I aim to be
A path to personal discovery
A path to self cleansing
To excise all the menacing, deep rooted, anger
That does no good to anybody.
It’s quite the irony
That the certain few who called me Tink
Are the ones who I have hurt the most
And they are the ones who’ve hurt me the most.
I tried to live in this ill rooted fantasy world
To escape my reality.
Tink
The flying fairy who had happy, pixie dust
Who could take you to a place where time stood still
Her loyalty stood true
And magic was real,
I had to overcome the desolate emotions and actions
To reclaim the child buried subconsciously within me
To find the girl who I’d become
So I can be who I want to be.
I used to believe that life was all about “finding your soul mate”
That conviction only fed my misguided meanderings even more
It wasn’t until I woke up and faced the monster in the mirror
That I realized that life is about self discovery
When on the path to attain peace and tranquility
Is when there is light in the black tunnel of the abyss
That light
That Hope
Is what completes us
I am proud of the baby steps I have taken to claim myself
“The journey of a thousand miles begins with one step.”
I have come far
Yet I still have a humongous journey that lay ahead
And I am okay with that
Life is good
I am thankful to the Gods and Goddesses for that
A once brightly colorful past now fading to black and white
As the light of Hope guides me to where I belong
I will be okay.

The Sketches On Our Fresh Pumpkins Before The Carving

This Is 1/2 Way Done...We Were Skeered It Wouldn't Turn Out Right

 

The Finished Product...Ain't Dey PURTEE?!

WOOHOO!!

yesterday my honey and i shared a romantical supper
we figured out how to cook
Pasta Weesie found at Carrabba's Italian Grill
it wuz DAY-UM guud!!
we put up the fake spider webs on our front porch
a sad attempt to get in the halloween spirit
goin back to wally world to get more
and to get the glow in the dark spider webs
we put a black light on the porch too
and we think we're gonna decorate our pumpkins tomorrow
had a meeting with voc rehab today
they switched my doc's
they guarantee a good experience this go 'round
they also confirmed to me
that they would get me an appt.
with the ear, nose, & throat doc to clean muh ears out
and get me to an audiologist for my hearing aide
i got to see the results of my last hearing test while in the meeting
the hearing in my right ear
i thought was at about 20 or 25%
nope
try 10%
so yea yea
all yall can pikk on me
i am deaf
in my right ear atleast
but in my left ear
i actually have good hearing
i hafta wear the aide to compensate for the right ear
(it seems as if i'm always compensating for something, doesn't it?!)
anyways
i cleaned house today
like a good wifey
my Bella put the laundry up
i'm gonna cook her some yummy supper tonight
OH BTW- GOOD NEWS!!
yall know i can't keep good suprises to myself
especially when they're for my loved ones...
i couldn't wait til orangeburg
to pop the q
so i ran her a candle lit, sea salt bath
and i joined her...
after i grew a backbone...
* DA DAH DUH DUM!!*
SHE SAID YES!!
WOOHOO!!
it's on next year...
i'mma take my Bella to "Baston"
(thats Boston to us southerners)
WOOHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!
I'M THE LUCKIEST GiRL IN THE WHOLE WIDE WORLD!!

You Sure? Cuz I See 'Em...

 

Got Crabs?

 

Pwetty, Pwetty

Charleston's New Pride & Joy, The Ravenel Bridge

 

Morris Island Fallen Palm Tree

 

Morris Island

 

Isn't She Grande?

 

Closer Shot Of The Dolphins

The Dolphins Were Hard To Take Pictures Of, So This Is The Best We Got, Sorry Yall...
 

Charleston Harbor Dolphins At Play