an urgent dream.

for some reason or another,
i'm having this sense of urgency to complete my education.
perhaps i know why,
but i am unsure if it is so.
i want my own family.
that's no secret.
never has been.
but i want my Mawmaw to be there.
i want her to see it.
i want her to see that i'll be okay.
i know that she's proud of me.
but i don't want her to worry about that.
all around me,
i see them with their baby bumps.
those deserving and undeserving.
at night,
the ticking fuels my anticipation,
soothes me to sleep,
yet keeps me up.
i know that i am definately over romanticizing the notion of being with child.
but tell me this,
what is more beautiful than a mother to be?
the thoughts,...
they are relentless.
trying to swat them away like a common house fly is an absurd waste of time.
its useless.
we know the timing to correlate everything.
even the planning is amazingly exciting.
i can't explain it.
part of me wishes i could just squash it.
it is annoying,
seeing the baby supplies in the stores and daydreaming.
part of me feels foolish,
being lead by the nose hairs by a dream.
there is NO doubt in my mind,
NONE,
that it WILL happen.
i know what i'm meant to be.
definately not right NOW,
although you couldn't tell my harmones that,
but someday soon.
until then,
i shall be helplessly rendered to playing a game of half heartedly trying to squash that dream,
like a bug.
some days,
you're the bug...
other days,...
you're the windshield.