a picture is worth a thousands words.

how can one picture invoke a myriad of countless emotions?
to tell you the truth,
i dont even KNOW which emotions i am feeling.
i just know that i went from being a proud wife
to feeling like a fourth grader alone and scared and unloved.
there she is,
all 20 years of beauty,
setting off on the journey of her lifetime,
with him standing beside her smiling.
smiling.
smiling.
here surfaces the anger,
the resentment,
the hurt,
the envy.
he looks like shit.
the anger has worn him down into a jaded being.
not that there was ever anything soulful there to begin with,...
the lines of worry have his face as busy a new york city streets.
as children,
we were all deprived of something.
everybody has their sad sop story.
but fuck.
shit still smells like shit.
the pain is still there.
like a motherfucking bouey,
it keep bobbing up from time to time.
i usually take a damn war ship and plunge that thing back under.
i know its still there,
bobbing under the surface.
but thats fine.
i can deal with that.
but when something occurs causing it to re-emerge,
i can't handle that.
therapy, smerapy.
yak yak yak.
it doesn't change shit.
i know that she was on the true receiving end of his hatred,
as i was unavailable for him to lash out at
(except emotionally, ofcourse.)
she didn't have the stepford papa either.
but i admire her strength and courage to put up with things i couldn't.
its funny indeed.
shit still stinks no matter how much perfume you soak it in.


Because Of You
Reba McEntire
Kelly Clarkson

I will not make the same mistakes that you did
I will not let myself
Cause my heart so much misery
I will not break the way you did,
You fell so hard
I've learned the hard way
To never let it get that far
Because of you
I never stray too far from the sidewalk
Because of you
I learned to play on the safe side so I don't get hurt
Because of you
I find it hard to trust not only me,
but everyone around me
Because of you
I am afraid
I lose my way
And it's not too long before you point it out
I cannot cry
Because you know that's weakness in your eyes
I'm forced to fake
A smile, a laugh everyday of my life
My heart can't possibly break
When it wasn't even whole to start with
Because of you
I never stray too far from the sidewalk
Because of you
I learned to play on the safe side so I don't get hurt
Because of you
I find it hard to trust not only me,
but everyone around me
Because of you
I am afraid
I watched you die
I heard you cry every night in your sleep
I was so young
You should have known better than to lean on me
You never thought of anyone else
You just saw your pain
And now I cry in the middle of the night
For the same damn thing
Because of you
I never stray too far from the sidewalk
Because of you
I learned to play on the safe side so I don't get hurt
Because of you
I try my hardest just to forget everything
Because of you
I don't know how to let anyone else in
Because of you
I'm ashamed of my life because it's empty
Because of you
I am afraid
Because of you
Because of you



Message To Myself
Melissa Etheridge
I’m sending out a message to myself
So that when I hear it on the radio
I will know that I am fine,
I will know that I am loved.
I warned myself of the blackness in my chest
The razors in my heart would never rest
It’s funny how you find just what you seek
Love is what you get when love is what you speak
I’m sending out a message to myself
So that when I hear it on the radio
I will know that I am fine,
I will know that I am loved.
I made every choice along the way
Each day I spent in hell I chose to stay
It’s funny what you fear can make you weak
Truth is what you get when truth is what you speak
I’m sending out a message to myself
So that when I hear it on the radio
I will know that I am fine,
I will know that I am loved.
So if you are listening I am just passing through
You can take some for yourself ‘cause it works that way too
Sha la la la la la la la la la
Sha la la la la la la la la la
I will know that I am fine,
I will know that I am loved.
I’m sending out a message to myself
So that when I hear it on the radio
I will know that I am fine,
I will know that I am loved.
I’m sending out a message to myself
So that when I hear it on the radio
I will know that I am fine,
I will know that I am loved.