a picture is worth a thousands words.

how can one picture invoke a myriad of countless emotions?
to tell you the truth,
i dont even KNOW which emotions i am feeling.
i just know that i went from being a proud wife
to feeling like a fourth grader alone and scared and unloved.
there she is,
all 20 years of beauty,
setting off on the journey of her lifetime,
with him standing beside her smiling.
smiling.
smiling.
here surfaces the anger,
the resentment,
the hurt,
the envy.
he looks like shit.
the anger has worn him down into a jaded being.
not that there was ever anything soulful there to begin with,...
the lines of worry have his face as busy a new york city streets.
as children,
we were all deprived of something.
everybody has their sad sop story.
but fuck.
shit still smells like shit.
the pain is still there.
like a motherfucking bouey,
it keep bobbing up from time to time.
i usually take a damn war ship and plunge that thing back under.
i know its still there,
bobbing under the surface.
but thats fine.
i can deal with that.
but when something occurs causing it to re-emerge,
i can't handle that.
therapy, smerapy.
yak yak yak.
it doesn't change shit.
i know that she was on the true receiving end of his hatred,
as i was unavailable for him to lash out at
(except emotionally, ofcourse.)
she didn't have the stepford papa either.
but i admire her strength and courage to put up with things i couldn't.
its funny indeed.
shit still stinks no matter how much perfume you soak it in.


Because Of You
Reba McEntire
Kelly Clarkson

I will not make the same mistakes that you did
I will not let myself
Cause my heart so much misery
I will not break the way you did,
You fell so hard
I've learned the hard way
To never let it get that far
Because of you
I never stray too far from the sidewalk
Because of you
I learned to play on the safe side so I don't get hurt
Because of you
I find it hard to trust not only me,
but everyone around me
Because of you
I am afraid
I lose my way
And it's not too long before you point it out
I cannot cry
Because you know that's weakness in your eyes
I'm forced to fake
A smile, a laugh everyday of my life
My heart can't possibly break
When it wasn't even whole to start with
Because of you
I never stray too far from the sidewalk
Because of you
I learned to play on the safe side so I don't get hurt
Because of you
I find it hard to trust not only me,
but everyone around me
Because of you
I am afraid
I watched you die
I heard you cry every night in your sleep
I was so young
You should have known better than to lean on me
You never thought of anyone else
You just saw your pain
And now I cry in the middle of the night
For the same damn thing
Because of you
I never stray too far from the sidewalk
Because of you
I learned to play on the safe side so I don't get hurt
Because of you
I try my hardest just to forget everything
Because of you
I don't know how to let anyone else in
Because of you
I'm ashamed of my life because it's empty
Because of you
I am afraid
Because of you
Because of you



Message To Myself
Melissa Etheridge
I’m sending out a message to myself
So that when I hear it on the radio
I will know that I am fine,
I will know that I am loved.
I warned myself of the blackness in my chest
The razors in my heart would never rest
It’s funny how you find just what you seek
Love is what you get when love is what you speak
I’m sending out a message to myself
So that when I hear it on the radio
I will know that I am fine,
I will know that I am loved.
I made every choice along the way
Each day I spent in hell I chose to stay
It’s funny what you fear can make you weak
Truth is what you get when truth is what you speak
I’m sending out a message to myself
So that when I hear it on the radio
I will know that I am fine,
I will know that I am loved.
So if you are listening I am just passing through
You can take some for yourself ‘cause it works that way too
Sha la la la la la la la la la
Sha la la la la la la la la la
I will know that I am fine,
I will know that I am loved.
I’m sending out a message to myself
So that when I hear it on the radio
I will know that I am fine,
I will know that I am loved.
I’m sending out a message to myself
So that when I hear it on the radio
I will know that I am fine,
I will know that I am loved.

screw ariel.

evidently,
i am a wiggley mermaid.
screw ariel,
i'm the next disney princess!!
i just totally realized that september is almost here.
i fucking hate september.
ten years.
i am about to embark on a new painting.
perhaps i'll work on it during september.
that'd be a truly cathartic experience.
garsh knows i'll need tranquility;
i'm beginning to feel the pressures of school already.



Good-night! good-night! as we so oft have said
Beneath this roof at midnight, in the days
That are no more, and shall no more return.
Thou hast but taken up thy lamp and gone to bed;
I stay a little longer, as one stays
To cover up the embers that still burn. ~Henry Wadsworth Longfellow

Perhaps they are not the stars, but rather openings in Heaven where the love of our lost ones pours through and shines down upon us to let us know they are happy. ~Author Unknown

shoulda named his ass Loki.

Being mama's lil van Gogh gets tiring after a hard day's worth of mischief!!

my beautiful family.

a league of their own.

i *TRIPLE* love a league of their own.
i would say i dunno why i don't watch it more,
but somewhere, someone surely would shoot me for say ing that,
as many times as i have seen it!!




Now and Forever
You were a part of me
And the memory cuts like a knife
Didn't we find the ecstasy
Didn't we share the daylight
When you walked into my life
Now and forever I will remember
All the promises still unbroken
And think about all the words between us
The never needed to be spoken
We had a moment
Just one moment
That will last beyong a dream, beyond a lifetime
We are the lucky ones
Some people never get to do
All we got to do
Now and forever
I will always think of you
Didn't we come together
Didn't we live together
Didn't we cry together
Didn't we play together
Didn't we love together
And together we lit up the world
I miss the tears
I miss the laughter
I miss the day we met and all that followed after
Sometimes I wish I could always be with you
The way we used to do
Now and forever
I will always think of you
Now and forever
I will always be with you

all's well.

my mommy is okay.

*deep breath*

purple skies are abundant.

*deep breath*

the rich, authentic air flowing through my lungs,
allowing the happiness,
the friendship,
the love,
the forgiveness...

allowing myself to succumb once again.

*deep breath*

yes,
all is well.

quite possibly the cutest thing ever.

time.

okay, so....
old friends.
reconnecting can be a good thing,
right?
then why am i feeling like that little girl i was back in 4th grade?
i mean,
some i am eager to see.
some,
not so much.
old feelings emerge.
old recollections.
old pains.
old smiles.
i am a different woman than i was.
definately not the girl i was.
a myriad of feelings overwhelm me.
without them,
i wouldn't be part of who i am today.
hard lessons learned,
hours of crying,
loads of great times,...
sweet moments,
and moments of harsh reality
when one knows that they must conquer the peter pan syndrome.
time rolls on,
like the tide.
never ceasing.
somewhere i heard the saying that time heals everything...
no the hell it don't,
to put it rather ghetto-ly.
our pasts are like bits of scars splattered on our souls.
some will always be raw and festering.
some,
a battle scar that's only purpose is to serve as a memory.
and the inevitable few that will heal up,
only to be sporadically picked at by karma,
so that it's sting will remind us of the pain.
no,
time does not heal everything.
it is,
however,
kinda like the bloodclots that help form the scabs.
so i say,
that even though i will be a grown woman walking into that reunion,
on the inside,
i'll still feel like a little girl with skinned knees.
but that's okay.
it's those skinned knees that give me my strength and bring a smile about.
its those skinned knees that will give comfort to me.
so,
to whomever said that time heals all...
i say,
fuck you, motherfucker,
fuck you.
(strangely,
even though i have NO idea who i said that to,
it feels damn good and quite empowering.)
peace out.



There are ladies in my life,
lovely ladies in these lazy days.
And though I never took a wife,
may I say that I have loved me one or two.
Of the people in my past,
fading faces in a waking dream,
and though they never seemed to last very long,
there are faces I remember from the places in my past.

I said all the dead head miles and the insincere smiles.
Sometimes I can laugh and cry and I can't remember why.
But I still love those good times gone by,
hold on to them close or let them go, oh no.
I don't know,
I just seem to sing these songs
and say I'm sorry for the friends I used to know.



Well I'm a tidal pool explorer
From the days of my misspent youth.
I believe that down on the beach
Where the sea gulls preach
Is where the Chinese buried the truth.
So I dig in the sand
with my misguided hands
and if I dig deep enough
Hell I just might dig it up.
Talking about treasure
Talking about pleasure
Talking about love
Now I'm a reader of the night sky
And a singer of inordinate tunes.
That's how I float across time
Living way past my prime
Like a long lost baby's balloon.
So I hang on to the string
Work that whole gravity thing
But when my space ship goes pop
Back to the earth I will drop
Into the sea
Or the limbs of a tree
Or the wings of my love
And I don't know what I'm supposed to do
Maybe invent me a story or two
I've got coastal confessions to make
How bout you
How bout you
They say that time is like a river
And stories are the key to the past
But now I'm stuck in between
Here at my typing machine
Trying to come up with some words that will last.
It's so easy to see that we live history
And if I just find the beat
I know I land on my feet
I always do
Hadn't got a clue
Does it comes from above.
And I don't know what I'm supposed to do
Maybe invent me a story or two
I've got coastal confessions to make
How bout you
How bout you
Let's go to church, Sonny...
[Bridge]
So bless me father, yes I have sinned.
Given the chance I'll probably do it again
I don't need absolution
Just a simple solution will do.
So let's talk about the future
Or the consequences of my past
I've got scars, I've got lines
I'm not hard to define
Just an altar boy coverin' his ass.
I know I can't run and hide
But just hang on for the ride
There will be laughter and tears
As we progress through the years
But still it's fun
Hey I'm not done
Gonna dance 'til I fall
And I don't know what I'm supposed to do
Maybe have me a boat drink or two
It's just the coastal confessions I hear
Tell the truth
Tell the truth
I've got some coastal confessions to make
How 'bout you,
how 'bout you,
how 'bout you,
how 'bout you
And you, and you, and you
42 years since my last confession
Well father, do you have the rest of the week?
Let's get started
I had impure thoughts
I smoked some pot
Stole some peanut butter
Father, wake up.

hallelujah!!

tammy-lynn micheal's blog (aka mrs melissa etheridge) entry kicks TOTAL FUCKING ASS!!



"what do you get when you cross elmer fudd with bush? WMD
so if i blog
about what an idiotic, parasitical, country-raping piece of shit george w. bush is,
i could go to jail?

george bush
you are a criminal
you are raping our country of our intentions

i do wonder if his mom and dad go to bed at night
proud of little whiskey-cokey-georgie poo for his dictatorship?
how does laura lay her head down at night
pulled eyes and all
and dream sweetly of lambies and cashmere sweaters?
when she fucks him does she call him adolf or castro?

rove
you sweaty little piggish oompa loompa elmer fudd ass
karma is a bitch
and i don't think you'll ever get that wascaly wabbit
while torturing the fellas at abu gharib

this war
is war for profit

something i am sure
the bible does not favor

weapons of mass destruction:
the current american government.

now come arrest me
you f*ckers."

still a grandmama's girl.

"do you want your kiss now," she asks.
"yes ma'am," i say.
and then i hear the MMMMUUUUUAAAAAAHHHH sound.
and i proceed to return her kiss.

i am 25 years old,
and still get that warm, safe feeling
from getting a kiss from my grandma g'night.
maybe there are some ways i'm not ready to grow up just yet.
i know just exactly how lucky i am
to be MY Grandmama's girl.

illustration of the definition of a 'rotten piece of plunder.'

lucky.

being home is always bittersweet.
a safe place in an evil world.
relentlessly aggravating family members
you can't stand to be near for more than an hour,
but yearn to run back to everytime you leave the nest.
certain people,
certain places,
an inescapable time warp.
same people,
same places,
same situations.
the roads leading out of darlington county
are like that soapy wall lining of which bubbles are made.
it is that stretchy, elastic divider that allows you to step in and out of a place that's frozen in time.
yea...
anyways,...
friday night.
having drinks and dinner with my old girl scout leader,...
was weird.
but very AWESOME at the same time.
a reunion in february.
i am eagerly awaiting that.
my mommy will be okay, we think.
their new baby is adorable!!
she showed jack-ass who was boss!!
i'll link the pictures later.
i've gtg finish laundry and get prepared for school tomorrow morning.
returning home to my wife
is so refreshing.



I want to see how lucky Lucky can be

I saw you through my blind intoxication
My shock induced insane self medication
You looked at me and smiled
Said get ready to get wild
Sugar you just need a brief vacation

[Chorus:]
I want to see how lucky Lucky can be
I want to ride with my Angel and live shockingly
I want to drive to the edge and into the sea
I want to see how lucky Lucky can be

I was dried up I was starving I was mangled
I looked like hell twisted up and tangled
You whispered in my ear
The ghosts are gone it's clear
For too long you've been tied up you've been strangled

[Chorus]

I don't want to ride on the shotgun side
Don't want to be a quaint observer on this super sonic ride
Double down split the aces to the races
I feel lucky tonight

:-(

i already miss my pookie.


i hope my mommy will be okay.

an urgent dream.

for some reason or another,
i'm having this sense of urgency to complete my education.
perhaps i know why,
but i am unsure if it is so.
i want my own family.
that's no secret.
never has been.
but i want my Mawmaw to be there.
i want her to see it.
i want her to see that i'll be okay.
i know that she's proud of me.
but i don't want her to worry about that.
all around me,
i see them with their baby bumps.
those deserving and undeserving.
at night,
the ticking fuels my anticipation,
soothes me to sleep,
yet keeps me up.
i know that i am definately over romanticizing the notion of being with child.
but tell me this,
what is more beautiful than a mother to be?
the thoughts,...
they are relentless.
trying to swat them away like a common house fly is an absurd waste of time.
its useless.
we know the timing to correlate everything.
even the planning is amazingly exciting.
i can't explain it.
part of me wishes i could just squash it.
it is annoying,
seeing the baby supplies in the stores and daydreaming.
part of me feels foolish,
being lead by the nose hairs by a dream.
there is NO doubt in my mind,
NONE,
that it WILL happen.
i know what i'm meant to be.
definately not right NOW,
although you couldn't tell my harmones that,
but someday soon.
until then,
i shall be helplessly rendered to playing a game of half heartedly trying to squash that dream,
like a bug.
some days,
you're the bug...
other days,...
you're the windshield.

home is where the heart is.

okay, so.
out with the old,
in with the new.
we got two brand spanking new MATCHING recliners
and a new entertainment center.
the time spent on puttin that bitch together...
sheesh!!
the fishies come in on wednesday.
four female bettas...
Dorothy, Blanche, Rose, & Sophia.
i couldn't resist!!
and i'm thinkin we'll be gettin Houdini sometime soon.
i can't wait to get him!!
our house feels more & more like a home everyday.
LoL,
we seem to be outgrowing it quicker than we realized!!
i'm goin home next week,
as it is the last weekend before i start school back,
and my Pookie has to work four nights straight.
so,
family,
their new dog,
friends,
and bein home.




Sometimes it's hard to don't wanna look over your shoulder
'Cause you don't want to remember where you've been
There'll come a time you die,
If you could only hold her
'Cause I know that's where I am
So listen with all your heart
Hold it inside forever
You may find all your dreams have already come true
Look inside and find the part that's leading you
'Cause that's the beat of a heart
Sometimes you'll drown it out with all your rage and thunder
Sometimes you'll drown it out with all your tears
There'll come a time when you hear it and you'll wonder
"Where in the world have I been?"
So listen with all your heart
Hold it inside forever
You may find all your dreams have already come true
Look inside and find the part that's leading you,
'Cause that's the beat of a heart
No one can tell you how to get there
It's a road you take all by yourself
(All by yourself)
All by yourself
So listen with all your heart
Hold it inside forever
You may find all your dreams have already come true
Look inside and find the part that's leading you
'Cause that's the beat of
Oh it's the sweetest sound,
'Cause that's the beat of a heart

bastard(s).

so,
blah,
motherfuckers.
a mysterious puddle of liquid appeared on our kitchen floor last night
just in time to extend its warmest greetings.
i guess my face needed to hug the floor or some lame shit.
Face to floor: "oh, it is so good to see you, my jolly ol' lad!"
Floor to face: "a delight, it surely is!"
Face: "Crickey, mate! if you wanted to see me this bad, why didn't you just ring me up?"
Floor: "its cheaper. do you know how MUCH long distance is, these days?!"
Face: "you're still quite the dirty, dirty bastard. when's the last time you cleaned yourself up?"
Floor: "see, this is why we broke up. i just can't handle your rhetoric anymore. and besides, i'm in recovery, damnit."
my knee was messed up.
its still stiff,
like my dick (ha!),
but hey.
school starts soon.
8 am classes.
achk.
*sigh*
2nd chances can be wonderful.
they can be wasteful, also.
we'll see which choice Ms. No Personality shall choose.
i do not honestly know why i said i'd "man the book,"
seriously.
damn.
a winter get-up at that, too.
gah.
another dress.
its a conspiracy,
i tell you.
a conspiracy to get me girlie-fied again.
gah.
bastards.

nc vavation pics.

NC Vacation Pics



we had a BLAST!!
we're home,
with our babies,
safe & sound.
all is well.

amen, sista.

State Of Grace

Grace works down at Wal-Mart
For thirteen years she's punched that clock
Been ten weeks without a day off
She never gave it too much thought
Til one morning in the mirror
Two new lines opened her eyes
And suddenly it hit her
She still had the wings to fly
Attention late night shoppers
A two for one on broken chains
That's the state of grace
It's the weak made strong
It's finding what you're missing
Was right there all along
It's an open road to a better place
It's a life worth living
In the state of grace
Grace cleaned out her bank account
Bought a beat up camper truck
Turned her pink slip into personnel
Then tore her time card up'
As she drove away she wondered
What New York City'd be like
And would the stars really keep you up
On a clear desert night
With a front seat full of road maps
To help her lose her way
That's the state of grace
It's the weak made strong
It's finding what you're missing
Was right there all along
It's an open road to a better place
It's a life worth living
In the state of grace
Grace knew when she looked up
There wouldn't be a sky
If the dreams we've been given
Weren't supposed to fly
It's an open road to a better place
It's a life worth living
In the state of grace
It's a life worth living
In the state of grace

bah.

okay so tomorrow mornining,
bright eyed and bushy tailed,
cheryl & i will made headway to our NC beach house.
yes, i am excited.
maybe the ocean air will clense away this headache of mine that refuses to go away.
i don't know why it won't.
its not like a normal sinus headache,
so i dunno wtf it is.
tammy faye's gone,
harry potter lives,
and ...
well thats about it bc i really dont have anything else to say.
sorry to disapoint.
peace out, fart lickers.

the goings and comings.

So, my hand hurts.
And, I am sleepy.
I went home again.
It was great!
I was s’posed to return to Oburg Monday,
but returned Tuesday instead.
While home,
I had a FABULOUS time seeing my friends.
Truly amazing, it was.
I had two reasons for staying an extra night.
I’m hoping one of those reasons will turn out okay.
Being home…
again…
returning to old stomping grounds,
unleashed a wave of unpleasant memories of the girl I once was.
As crazy as I was back then,
I knew I couldn’t survive in that town.
I’d have to fight tooth & nail to find my way out.
and, I did.
Thank goodness.
I almost have everything I’ve ever wanted,
everything I’ve ever dreamt of.
The rest will come in its own time & space.
Reminders,
everywhere.
There’s nothing like going home,
and nothing sweeter than coming home.
Being home sheds the outer layers and reveals my core.
The fresh air felt good.
Now I’ll work on keeping that just the same.
its hard figuring out how to do that.
applying one algorhithm to a different problem…
causes for some adjustments to have the same solution.
aggravating,
but worthwhile.
Getting down to basics,
to what drives me,
what makes me happy,
what fulfills me…
again, I say…
There’s nothing like going home,
and nothing sweeter than coming home.