hallmark be damned.

i hate hallmark movies, i really do.
so what did i do tonight?
i watched the one i recorded on our DVR.
The Russell Girl was good.
your everyday standard, tear jerker Hallmark movie.
the summation is:

Everyone in Sarah Russell’s small hometown knows her story, but no one is talking about it. Sarah, the picture-perfect girl-next-door, took a job in Chicago thinking she could escape memories of a tragic accident she blames on herself. But when she receives some unsettling news, Sarah decides to return home and try to heal old wounds.

As understanding and support come from unexpected sources, Sarah’s story becomes a journey toward forgiveness and hope for the future.

the story has its similarities.
a bit unsettling, actually.
she pushes what she needs and wants away because she doesn't think she deserves it.
she thinks she's unworthy.
she thinks her cancer is the product of karma for what happened.
that's interesting to me.
if that line of thinking proves true,
then was that tree and the windshield karma for my father?
everything that he caused over the decades to certain specific individuals,
all the pain and heartache that has lasted for decades,
is all that supposed to be erased and righted by the tree and the windshield?
i try my best to not dwell on this thing,
as i have truly lost nothing.
but it keeps finding its way to the forefront of my thoughts.
all the lies,
all the deception,
the pain,
the hurt,
the anger,
the disapointments,...
i am sorry, but that tree and that windshield just cannot undo all that he created.
granted, the asshole can't create anymore pain and decadence for anyone,
but still.
they are not magical erasers.
there are no do overs in this life.
there are second chances,...
and third and fourth and fifth...
but when you make an discerning conscious decision to ignore and/or refuse those chances,
then does that make one ignorant or "just plain stupid"?
addicts cannot reap their given chances for help.
greed was his addiction.
and pride.
he didn't care what it cost him in life,
but what it cost him was his life.