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Sunday, December 30, 2007

state of grace.

I am so unbelievably emotionally exhausted.
I got to Florence and got to see my friends that I hadn’t seen in a while.
That was fantastic; friends do the soul wonders.
I stopped by briefly to say hey to Mikey on Christmas Eve.
So odd, the timing.
That night at my Mama’s, I got sick as hell.
I thought it was the flu,
Thanks my stars it wasn’t.
My Grandma loved her painting.
As soon as I get those pictures, I’ll post them.
I began to feel better as Christmas day passed along.
However, I still couldn’t sleep that night either.
It’s so odd when you’re all stopped up and you can’t breathe through your nose when you’re sick.
Have you ever wondered about that?
It feels like an engineer has rammed two trains up in those tiny cavities.
That morning at 6:15 I got the call.
My Aunt called my cell needing to talk to my Mama.
Then Mama told me.
“Honey, there’s been an accident. Your Daddy died.”
Those words.
Those words will forever ring in the hallways of my mind.
Echoing aimlessly, bouncing off of the walls wondering what memory file folder to habituate.
After some tears and shock, a phone call to Cheryl, I found my way to the bathroom.
My gut told me this had happened in Darlington County.
I texted Mikey to see if he was awake.
He then had the unimaginable task of informing me that it was not only my Dad,
But my Step Mom too.
And not only that,
But that Mikey himself answered the call.
I had been thrown knee deep into a cyst pool of hatred in which that family (being my Dad’s side) thrives in.
All of the anger, hatred, resentment, and judgments…
It is truly suffocating.
It, too, can kill you.
From somewhere inside of me,
Stepped out this woman.
A woman I am estranged from.
A strong, intelligent, proper, graceful, compassionate woman who doesn’t allow others to bring her down.
The tattoo on my back means ‘strength.’
And that, I exemplified, unequivocally without a doubt.
I’d said my good-bye years ago.
I’d made my peace.
This was the first time that I’ve never been scared of him.
It didn’t even really look like him.
He looked like a rubber doll.
Terry looked so beautiful.
She did.
I never got along with her,
But she was a good Mother to my siblings,
And my heart feels so much compassion for them.
And that is what is important.
No doubt, that the emotional tug of war has jaded me temporarily.
My feet are planted firmly into the solid ground that is my Cheryl.
She has been my neutral place,
My safety net,
My North.
I don’t know what I would’ve done without her through all of this.
This man, he gave me life.
He gave me pain.
In his untimely death, however, the seeds of compassion and love have bloomed.
I had my own friends and family that attended the viewing,
And to those individuals,
I am at a loss of words to relate my unbridled gratitude towards them.
I had trouble comprehending why people were calling to check on me,
But I am slowly getting it.
Regardless of what was,
What remains is the fact that I am still his daughter.
Animosity has vanished only to be replaced by forgiveness.
My heart and soul ache for my family,
Especially my siblings.
I am unsure of what will happen,
But the thing I do know is this:
Love and grace will see me through.