yellow.

Without any doubt, it is absolutely incomprehensible that a decade has passed by. Today’s arrival has regressed my 25 year old self to a misplaced, innocent 15-year-old girl who just lost her footing. 364 days out of the year, I am pretty okay with it. I am 90% sure that I don't believe in God, but I do believe in angels. In the past 10 years I have done many of the stupid things that any young adult does while growing up, and at any time I could've been done for. Each time I came out alive, though shaken, I would immediately realize how lucky I was. Somewhere, somehow, someone was watching over me. In my heart, I know that it was her. At least, that is what I tell myself. I tend to believe that most of the time. I am unsure how long the grieving process is supposed to last; in the past 10 years, it has gotten easier, but no less painful. It is a given that I often wonder what she would think of me today. She was a tiny, beautifully strong lady who garnered her strength through her unwavering faith in God. She would be pleased that I am happy, but I think she wouldn’t be too thrilled about the whole lesbian thing. But that's okay. She would be proud of me...she always was. To me, that is the steadfast epitome of true love. (I know how unbelievably fortunate I am have that same love today through my grandmother.) On the 18th, it is alarmingly too easy for me to fall inward and make it through the day living off of memories of her. Thank goodness I have a wonderful, understanding wife who stands by my side to make sure that I'm not alone. With every old, white haired person that I see, my heart aches just a little bit more. I don't want them to feel alone, I want them to feel loved, and to know that they still matter. Talk about your transference! After Cheryl gets home from work in the morning and gets a little nap in, I will adorn my yellow polo and we will make the pilgrimage to Florence. I will buy a yellow daisy, drive to her resting place and leave the flower with her. I need for her spirit to know that I still love her and that she still matters. That little girl inside of me will always need and want to be loved by her Nana.

One day SHY OF eight years old
Grandma passed away
I was a broken hearted little boy,
blowing out that birthday cake

How I cried when the sky let go
with a cold and lonesome rain
Momma smiled said don't be sad child
Grandma's watchin you today

'Cause there's holes in the floor of Heaven
and her tears are pourin' down
that's how you know she's watchin'
wishin' she could be here now
And sometimes if you're lonely
just remember she can see
there's holes in the floor of Heaven
and she's watchin' over you and me

Seasons come and seasons go
nothin' stays the same
I grew up fell in love
met a girl who took my name
Year by year we made a life
in this sleepy little town
I thought we'd grow old together
Lord I sure do miss her now

But there's holes in the floor of Heaven
and her tears are pourin' down
that's how you know she's watchin'
wishin' she could be here now
and sometimes when I'm lonely
I remember she can see
there's holes in the floor of Heaven
and she's watchin' over you and me

Well my little girl is 23
I walk her down the aisle
it's a shame her mom can't be here now
to see her lovely smile
They throw the rice
I catch her eye
as the rain starts comin' down
she takes my hand
says daddy don't be sad 'cause
I know momma's watchin' now

And there's holes in the floor of Heaven
and her tears are pourin down
that's how you know she's watchin'
wishin' she could be here now
and sometimes when I'm lonely
I remember she can see
there's holes in the floor of Heaven

and she's watchin' over you and me
Watchin' over you and me
Watchin' over you and me
Watchin' over you and me