fakin it.

i am craving a good read.
i want another book that can rival Running With Scissors.
the sadistic humor titillates me to no end.
maybe i'm craving it because right now i'm feeling quite cynical.
i've reached that stage in the "grieving process."
i have become (temporarily) cynical and quite bitter.
i could say so many thing to lash out at various people whom i want to sting.
but it would accomplish nothing,
and merely spread the venom already spewed by the poor excuse of a daddy.
yes, i am bitter.
bitter as hell at the moment.
it will soon pass,
most likely after aunt flo leaves.
somewhere in the hallways of my mind,
i question whether or not justice was truly served.
i mean, really.
maybe because i don't believe in the whole heaven or hell thing,
maybe that's why i am having a difficult time
in believing if justice was served.
i mean, i can justify my reasons for which i question it,
but it would fall on deaf ears to those i just want to stand atop the roof and scream it to.
(my wife excluded, because the wonderful rock of sanity that she is,
understands it all and i have undying gratitude, love, and respect for her.)
i hope this phase soon passes, because i do not admire it.
maybe i can be a faker, like him,
and just pretend to believe in an almighty entity so that i won't go mad wondering if justice was served.
but then,
i'd be no better than him.
i find christians dispicable.
in the words of Idgie Threadgoode from Fried Green Tomatoes,

I'VE SEEN THOSE SAME PEOPLE
OVER AT CHURCH ON SUNDAY...
OVER AT THE RIVER CLUB
EVERY OTHER NIGHT
OF THE WEEK,
DOIN' ANYTHING
BUT PRAY.

buncha fakers.
i recall this one time back in 2000,
i went with my friend to her youth group at a nondenominational church.
every wednesday they'd sing and carry on,
feeling "the spirit" and crying and waving their arms into the air.
i will admit,
the atmosphere in the room was very charged.
very inspirational, at best.
then there were those who'd "spread the word" about saving themselves for marriage,
(which i don't disagree with)
BUT, the only thing they were spreading were their legs and STDs.
i remember sitting there singing these ridiculous songs
wondering if anybody else in there was faking it like me.
ha.

/sigh.

enough of this.
my hands hurt and i am tired of typing,
so g'night.