we're elfed!!

we got elfed!!
a must see!!

CLICK HERE!!

thank you for bein a friend.

So I’ve been hesitating to write this blog,
And after much trepidation,
Here it is.
When we are children,
We form these friendships that help shape who we are today.
Some lasting,
Some temporary,
But all filled with various amounts of harsh lessons;
Both great and small.
As a child,
You didn’t dare dream of going through an entire weekend without playing with your best friend at least once.
These girls (and/or boys) could be your comfort zone and your battle zone.
Then came the treacherous years of angst ridden and hormonally challenged teenagers where everything was a test of loyalty,
Right down to those oh so endearing childhood friends.
Awkward glances in the high school hallways soon morph into distancing college years.
And somewhere in your twenties,
Upon that inevitable trip home and run-in with those very friends,
Do we discover something…
We don’t like those childhood friends whom we once adored.
In fact,
We can’t stand them.
Facades we can see right through,
And all we can surmise is a laugh at their foolish expense.
The fat girl who overcompensated with her personality,
Now doesn’t have time for anybody because she’s too busy tasting life.
The mama’s girl everybody loathed,
Now a dried and pressed stepford wife.
The girl dumber than dirt,
With her PhD.
What does one do when this epiphany strikes us?
A guilt trip somehow sneaks its way into my thoughts,
As I find myself thinking,
“these ARE my lifelong friends,
I am SUPPOSED to like them.”
Then I hear that little Jeminy Cricket squeaky voice inside telling me
That it’s all just a part of growing up.
I am trying to recognize the fact that we are all human
And have different sides to us all,
Many roles we play on this great stage we call life.
But with all that theatre makeup caked on ever so thick,
Are we the actors or the characters within the play?
I’m unsure of all of this nonsense.
What I am aware of, however,
Is that I have a great (albeit, fucking crazy) family,
A truly wonderful wife,
Two adorable dogs,
And great friends that I do like.

my life.

so the end stretch of the semester is just within reach.
man, am i glad too.
i dunno why
but this semester has slowly passed by.
and to tell you the truth,
i'm actually kind of getting stressed about the holidays.
money,
time,
etc.
i keep telling myself that i am not in control,
to go with the flow,
things always work out for the best.
and that's true.
we need some rain.
"global warming does not exist," he says.
that's why we still have little lizards on our porches right?
yeah, well.
thanksgiving...
not as stressful as i thought it would be.
skitzo uncle is fucking psycho,
H has gained more weight,
and my family are ichky republicans who think GBW is a great man...
and that Bill O'Reilly is "fair."
riiiiiiiiiiiiiiight.
he's FAIRly attached to a loofah.
i don't have anything witty to say tonight.
forgive me, my beauties.
my Tater Tot is amazing.
she really is.
she knows how to make me feel better when it all goes south.
i swear jackson's paws are still growing by the day,
and my harley farley is getting older and pickier by the day.
this is my life,
and underneath all of the asethics,
i couldn't be happier.

it has begun.

an explosive reaction in the midst of a visit with friends,
brought my ass home.
ibs is never fun.
then today,
mom, margaret, alex, & carmen...
filling up at sav way on the way to sumter.
carmen gets locked inside the car with the keys,
while mom, margaret, and alex flip out.
a passing neighbor brings margaret home to get her cell
& brings her back to the gas station.
on star can't help,
as the doors wont unlock for them.
so steve and ellis,
depart from sumter to return to florence to unlock the van.
and to think,
i haven't even gotten to Mawmaw's for dinner yet.
on we go.

we shall be free.

This ain't comin' from no prophet
Just an ordinary man
When I close my eyes I see
The way this world shall be
When we all walk hand in hand

When the last child cries for a crust of bread
When the last man dies for just words that he said
When there's shelter over the poorest head
We shall be free

When the last thing we notice is the color of skin
And the first thing we look for is the beauty within
When the skies and the oceans are clean again
Then we shall be free

We shall be free
We shall be free
Stand straight, walk proud
'Cause we shall be free
When we're free to love anyone we choose
When this world's big enough for all different views
When we all can worship from our own kind of pew
Then we shall be free
We shall be free

We shall be free
Have a little faith
Hold out
'Cause we shall be free

And when money talks for the very last time
And nobody walks a step behind
When there's only one race and that's mankind
Then we shall be free

We shall be free
We shall be free
Stand straight, walk proud, have a little faith, hold out
We shall be free

We shall be free
We shall be free
Stand straight, have a little faith

We shall be free

garth...and reba.

neither man nor mortal;
only an entity.
no suprise my prediction fruitioned.
tri state area rule now applies to both entities.

thank you, jesus.

okay so i had 2 tests today.
i got an 'A' on the psych,
but i'm bettin that i'm not sittin too pretty on that math.
ugh.
garth brooks tonight.
it'll be interesting to see if he's gonna do the same ol' routine,
or suprise us with new stuff.
i have a dr.'s appointment today at 3,
to finally get rid of this sinus headache.
hopefully, that'll do the trick.
i'm hoping i'll get to paint this weekend,
if my hands allow me to.
i told pookie i'mma do an experiment with my paintings.
atlanta is ON!!
i can now meet my other idol!!
woooooooooooooooooooooooooooohoooooooooooooooooooooo!!
my day has come!!
maybe i can pretend to be a fake christian and get down on my knees,
speak in tongue,
roll around on the floor like i have Mad Cow,
and scream "THANK YOU JEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEESUS!!"

3 point difference.

today,
i had dermatology appointment.
off we go to the "big city,"
the emerald city,
the land of oz.
she, the doctor,
had the 'golden shit' syndrome.
she's prolly such a bitch cuz that gold hurts comin out her asshole...
(with a 'W'.)
okay, so...
as we were leaving the dr's office,
i had to pee.
so we find the office's bathroom.
it was occupied,
thus, we waited.
a couple of minutes passed...
then a bigger built man comes RUSHING out,
head hung down,
face all pale white,
'cept for his cheeks which were ROSY RED.
that tipped me off right then & there.
he practically RAN out the front door & hopped into a construction-like truck.
cheryl & i step towards the bathroom and BAM!!
it hit us in the face like a motherfucking BRICK WALL.
we couldn't even make it in the bathroom...
"I was scared and fearing for my life.
I was shakin' like a leaf on a tree...
Gimme three steps towards the door..
And you could hear me screaming a mile away
As I was headed out towards the door."
as we gagged,
those in the waiting room laughed at our reactions.
yeah.
then, we saw a Buzzard carcass on the side of the road.
speaketh of irony, my friend.
we go to knottyheads to get my cartiledge re pierced.
and whadooyah know?!
upon our arrival,
the urge to poo flashed upon me,...
(its the power of suggestion, people...)
i stunk that bathroom up, girl!!
though, not as badly as Mr Mysterious Construction Crapper.
i did, however,
leave a delightful aroma that wafted out through out the entire establishment.
its a small house, yall.
i ranked about a 7,
whilst Mr Construction Crapper was a hearty 10.
3 points makes a lot of difference.

loofahs.

may St. Dymphna have mercy upon me this week!!
a test has yet to have such an aversion on me as the one i'm to take in 6 hours.
two more next wednesday.
i need to paint.
its beckoning my name.
i will get to it some hopefully tomorrow.
pookie's having her final (hopefully) sleep test tomorrow,
so i won't get to see her until friday.
liz is coming for the weekend.
i have no idea what we'll do.
oh well.
its a no go for a new rosie show.
i am truly disapointed.
as i am sure is Bill O'Douchebag.
loofah anyone?

unutterable contempt.

in an exasperating attempt to accurately describe the ghastly events of yester,
i find myself growing in a bigger state of contempt.
seriously.
my family has fallen from grace.
she,
an old social butterfly
who's wings are in such a state of dilapidation,
that they can no longer support her flights anymore.
she attempts to fly,
fluttering and flapping about with little success.
it breaks my heart,
it truly does.
the other,
is stuck in neutral in the middle of the Denial Desert,
which in her world,
cannot even rival that to the size of the Sahara.
instead of life threatening heat and sunshine for miles and miles,
a relentless cloud of,...smog
that will slowly kill you just as the heat (will).
what jeopardizes the situation is the baby.
no baby should ever be put near the borders of that desert,
let alone allowed inside.
denial and depression is a fast track to a dead end road.
i overcompensated like never before.
"atlanta louvre,"
van gogh,
botticelli,
4.0 gpa i bragged,
hoping to manifest a definate distinction between myself and them.
never have i been ashamed.
embarrassment follows that shame.
i am unsure as to how to cope;
for i know i am only in control of me.
so how do i deal?
maybe it is time to return to therapy.
i don't know what else to do.

phenomenons.

so last night was GREAT.
hanging out with anna was great.
i'm so glad i am not the only one who has 'a touch of the OCD.'
that screaming mexican kid in the pizza hut has my ear drums still trembling.
seriously.
why is it that kids of the toddler age have the highest pitched vocal chords?
what i hate even more are slack assed parents who let their children
run loose in restaurants at 10 freakin o'clock at night.
gah.
bastards.
on the way home, i saw the most peculiar thing(s):
sporatic shoes speckled along the highways.
i saw 5 shoes,
none of which were matching pairs.
now i ask,
why does one toss out an apparently wearable shoe?
much less,
why does one toss out a shoe without its matching partner...
on a highway?
can one explain this phenomenon to me?

all hallow's eve.

so click HERE to see our fabulous halloween night last night!!

let the naming commence.

crudeness.

my wife says that last blog was done in poor taste.

i think it was just plain crude.

funny,
but crude nonetheless.

trick...or treat?!

you know people ain't happy about this!!
i wonder if they'll give a discount since obviously oral isn't possible?!
yeah, i know.
i am a sick bastard.
but admit it,
not ONLY did you think it too,
but your ass laughed at that joke.
as a side note,
i am willing to bet that stastically,
the percentage of orally transmitted diseased will drop in the meantime.
abrutply changing the subject because i cannot come up with another nifty joke about the harlets,
other than the title of this blog entry that i just came up with,
we carved our pumpkins and hung up our halloween lights.
welcome to the gaybourhood!!

click you.

As I laid in bed last night,
I heard a repetitive clicking sound.
click,
click,
click.
I was catapulted back to my early years at Briggs elementary school.
There was this cart that literally was kept in a storage closet.
They would bring this cart out once a week.
On it, they would have school supplies and little trinkets,
All available for around one dollar.
After all, we were just little elementary children.
Every week when this little cart with open,
I would be standing in line to buy something to throw my mother's money away.
If I did not buy anything,
I would stand there and play with one particular item.
It was eraser.
It had a long sheer colored covering,
and a slide bar that was used to elevate and contract the eraser as needed.
As you pushed the slide bar up to elevate the eraser,
it would make a clicking sound.
Click,
click,
click.
I would always do it five times.
I don't know why.
Perhaps that little eraser was the grass roots campaign for my slight case of OCD later on in life.
Click,
Click,
click,
click,
click.
I controlled the clicking.
Me, all by myself.
Much like I control the paintbrush on my canvases.
I cannot paint shadows,
but I can blend colors like there is no tomorrow.
That “tallequah sunset” is not a problem.
does this mean that I have control issues?


First-borns
Positives: They are natural leaders and often high achievers. The majority of politicians, spokespersons and managing directors are first-borns. They frequently live with a sense of entitlement and even superiority. They often come in two flavours: compliant nurturers/caregivers or aggressive movers and shakers. Both are in control; they just use different methods. As a rule, first-borns are picky, precise people - they pay attention to detail - tend to be punctual, organised, and competent. They want to see things done right the first time. They don't like surprises.

Negatives: They are often moody and occasionally lack sensitivity. They can be intimidating, particularly by pushing people too hard or refusing to take no for an answer. Sometimes they can be a bit 'know-it-all', and often they are poor at delegating - largely because they don't trust other people as much as they trust themselves. They also tend to be bossy, perfectionists and overly-conscientious.


That explains it, right there, doesn’t it?
Yea, I liked that clicking because I did it better than anyone else.
Yea, you’re just jealous because my click are better than yours and you know it.
Click, click my ass, baby.

For my part I know nothing with any certainty, but the sight of the stars makes me dream.” ~Vincent van Gogh

amidst the roaring snores late last night,
i had a tantalizing epiphany:
i.
could.
actually.
meet.
rosie.
Oh, my, god.
oh
My
God.
It overwhelms my entire being.
It could ACTUALLY happen.
I don’t believe in God, per say,
But I’ll damn pray my heart out for this to happen.
*sigh*
My third, and final book for a while, arrived today.
My First Five Husbands..And the Ones Who Got Away (Hardcover).
I hope it is as good as I want it to be,
So I can share it with liz.
I cleaned house today,
perhaps tonight I will get some painting in,
along with demolishing more pages of Look Me In the Eye: My Life With Asperger’s.
yesth, yesth.
If you want something bad enough,
It’ll eventually happen.

toe tapping lesbo.

i have begun on a second book,
Look Me in the Eye: My Life with Asperger's.
so far it is brilliantly & divinely hilarious.
the man who wrote is the brother of the author of Running With Scissors.
i've already LoL'd numerous times.
seriously genius quality.
the other book i am slowly reading is,
Highsmith A Romance of the 1950s.
kinda hum drum thus far,
but kinda interesting.
its about a dyke literary couple in the artsy fartsy section of NYC in the 50s.
we need a bigger book case!!
its getting so jammed packed now it isn't funny.
today Bella and i went to kmart
to do a bit more halloween shopping.
we are dressing up!!
one of us is in drag and the other a sexy french maid.
yippeee!!
on rosie.com i saw where my idol will be in atlanta in december for her book tour.
schofield be damned (if need be).
i am sooooo there.
shit fucking yes.
not, shit fuckin yes...
but this needs that extra emphasis...
shit fuckinG yes.
the sheer excitement that shot through my viens was...
immeasurable.
is that even a word?
my blog,
my world,
my words,
my rules,...
so,...suck it.
or rather,
"Can you believe this shit? Hell has frozen over. Suck it, Jesus, this award is my god now."
LoL.
that was some funny shit and you know it.
holy rollers be damned.
those people are hypocritical fakers anyhow.
larry craig's bear lover has the last laugh now, biatch!!
you just know good ol' cocksuckin larry came across that shit online yesterday
and thought, "hmmmm,...he was THAT beef bottom pickle chugger!! hmmm,...yummy!! OH SHIT, he's outed me!! bastard. i'll bury him so deep....hmmm,...that's right i'll bury him alright,....yummy..."
yea.
how i so adore those left/right wing "straight christians" in office.
how come none of this shit ever happens to a dyke in office?
you never see her "toe tapping" in a public bathroom.
yeaaaaa...
so, Pookie's working tomorrow day.
maybe i'll head over to her work and wait til she goes to potty,
then i'll go "toe tapping" to woo her in the stall.

bat shit crazy, if you ask me.

One, two, three,...
Here we go.
sanctions against Iran.
fucktard tossing around the gravest of all threats
like a pitch at a damn baseball game.
they call her crazy,
the ignorant fat Dyke,
whatever she may be,
she predicted it correctly.
she said war with Iran before he is gone.
World War III is a possibility he says.
dare I ask,
betwixt the two,
which one is crazy?
The peace-minded ignorant fat Dyke,
or the ignorant hate monger war criminal?
My honey bun has a strawberry in full bloom
on her strawberry plant.
it was 90° the other day,
here in October.
yet global warming doesn't exist so say our government.
I worry.
I worry in vain.
what can I do?
I am a “disabled” devout explorer of the ‘temple of poon,”
I have no rights either way according to them.
it can get overwhelming,
that is what our government counts on.
us to groan,
walk away,
and forget about it.
I'm not forgetting about it,
how can I?
Time to redirect this blog’s focus.
tonight I made my daily pilgrimage to Rosie.com.
her and her wife did a video blog promoting a venue that she is fixing to do.
the way that they looked at each other was so sweet.
truly.
I still find myself looking at my snoodle-bug that way.
even though right now she is well occupied with the doggie door.
I surprise myself today,
I got a 106 on my math test.
not bad, not bad.
fall break began for me today.
I still have to study for history though.
ashley’s birthday is Friday.
my intentions are to clean house this weekend,
as I am aching to paint very soon.
I find mucho humor and a stoned weenie dog,
but my wife says I must have compASSion.
we shall see how much compassion I have when it comes to spontaneous fart refluxes next time.

obvious chaos.

so i have been a lazy bitch
when it comes to my blog, as of late.
let me begin with atlanta.
mason's "friend" lured me in like a fly to a pile of shit.
what'd he do, one would ask?
he spoketh of the golden girls.
we had oysters galore.
yummy.
i also saw something else quite enticing--
besides the local flavors of butches,
which were, in fact, quite the eye candy--
i saw two Bullies, a Frenchy and an English.
out with the yorkie,
in with the Frenchy!!
we went to the world market.
scary yet infinitely interesting place.
mason and i watched DOWN THE RABBIT HOLE.
seriously,
wow.
quantam physics is an amazing arena.
too much for my mind to wrap around.
then we left atlanta,
beelined to flotown to grab jackson from my mama's,
then finally home to orangeburg.
jackson pouted the whole way home,
as he loathes being ripped apart from his counterpart,
carmen.
(a quite ugly dog whom i immensely dislike and continue to tell her just that,
yet i can't get rid of her.)
let's fast forawrd to this past wednesday.
a "serious incident" at OC Tech,
an unworldly amount of moolah spent on art supplies,
an armed robbery,
police stastements,
crime numero deux,
unbearable bladder pain and then relief,
and finally,
cheryl's mom's dog on the railroad tracks.
yeah, buddy.
all in one day.
i'm out, homo's.